CHRISTIAN PARENTS of ESTRANGED ADULT CHILDREN Community Group

Estrangement makes it difficult to talk about with family, friends, neighbors and church members. Christians are NOT immune to broken families. Talk about your experiences with those who know how you feel and get positive support through your Christian faith...."In these last days difficult times will come, for men will be lovers of self...disobedient to parents,...

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chocolatecat 07/15/2014

Here I am again, stressed out, trying to find a solution. I have one or maybe two "good" days and then whamo we get hit with more from ES1.

I just now had a momentary dream that if I could fast forward to a year from now and somehow did not get dragged through the process I wouldn't really mind so much where our EC are at good or bad. As long as I didn't have to go through the daily or weekly drama of watching it all play out and having them involve us.

I guess I'm saying that it sounds like (relative) bliss to be totally out of the picture for a year. I know that most of us are just dreaming of any positive contact whatsoever but when all we get is negative and disappointment I feel like I'd rather not know anything at all.

I want to say that I don't want to see or hear of anything from our EC for one year and then we'll reconnect then, hopefully.

Basically we already have that from ES2 and ED, their choice, not ours. They are barely if ever in touch with us in a year anyhow.
One ES2 won't even know a year has passed, he won't even notice. ED will only miss her bday and Christmas gifts.
ES1, however, will go out of his mind but probably proceed to get married in spite of us, literally spiteful. But at least we won't have to go through all the drama, stress and agony of the whole process.

Of course, we'll be accused of many things is we "check out" for a year. Maybe six months? That just doesn't sound like enough time to me. We are truly stressed here and feel like there are great consequences to that. We just can't seem to get ES1 to leave us alone. DH cell is 100% tied to his work and he just can't get a new number. ES1 is using that now to try to get to us.

Our parents would understand but cringe because this sounds very extreme. Of course, it just doesn't sound "right" either. This is such a weird place to be in. On one hand we know our kids would benefit from our input in their lives but on the other hand they don't want it and all of their negative responses and actions are really killing us now.

I really wish I could do this......

lindajoan 07/15/2014

If God is leading you in this direction then you can do it. It does not sound unloving to me. It sounds as if you are trying to regroup and grow and rest spiritually,physically, mentally, and emotionally. That may be what you and DH need. You can let them know that this is the plan. The twelve step program at Families Anonymous encourages us to let an addicted child go so they can change. The Lord often encourages us to let go and let God. We do this with love and prayer.

God bless you as you seek His wisdom in how to proceed.

Norske1 07/15/2014

I see nothing wrong with taking a vacation from our adult children. I read something recently by Stormie [?] about God giving us children to raise and then let them go and always keep in perspective that our spouses are who God wants us to support and love, before our children.

Listen to God's guidance as you and your DH decide what you want to do. But do what makes you both happy and gives you peace.

chocolatecat 07/15/2014

Thank you both so much. I really appreciate both of your perspectives on this. It is really an "out there" idea but when it came into my mind it gave me such a feeling of relief. DH and I discussed it tonight and he is willing but we'll pray about it some more before we go ahead. We definitely need the rest and regrouping in every area like you mentioned lindajoan. Norske1, the past 12 years DH and I have been secondary to each other because of the kids. Not the way it is supposed to be but they were all so high maintenance. Now at the least we do want, like you said, to support each other and put each other before the kids.
Praying for wisdom daily and so very thankful for you all and this site. Thank you!!!

texassunshine9406 07/16/2014

I say you and DH start living for each other, the way God intended marriage to be! Let the "kids" go and let God take care of them. My DH and I go on vacations together and sometimes separately-depending on the time of year, but we don't think about my EC's since their silence these past 2 years has been deafening. I am giving them what they want. No contact.

chocolatecat 07/17/2014

Thank you again texas! I'm getting there slowly! Mine yo-yo back and forth so much I'm never sure where we stand with each. We'll hear nothing from ED for a year then she'll start contacting us, then go back to nothing. ES2 isn't really malicious about it all - he just seems to totally not care at all for us. Hasn't called in 11 months. ES1, is like riding a roller coaster. Wants constant contact but you never know when he's going to haul off and lambast us with all his grievances towards us, at least every week if we gave him a way. We would have to cut him off not to get this........that is the toughie. We think it is tough love and not letting him away with disrespect as well as getting the peace we need but he will think it is not "unconditional love" and abandonment. Ugh. Still praying and asking for wisdom on this.

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