It is amazing how many similar threads there are in so many of our stories! I am thankful for this group, for all the encouraging words, and for knowing that I am not alone in this pain and distress. I have "detached" for self-preservation purposes. I know some would consider the measures extreme that I have taken after prayer, and after my DH's advice because of his being unwilling to stand by and watch me "taking any more abuse" (his words), I have 2 ES, one - I will call older son or OS, mostly estranged for almost 20 years (since becoming involved with the woman that he married, now married 15 years but started dating during senior year of high school) and one son- I will call him YS for younger son, more intermittently estranged. After my last visit to see YS, and his wife's showing us invitations she was making to the one-year-old's christening planned for the next week, while saying that the invitations were "just for keepsakes, but have already been sent to all the guests" (but not to us!), and hearing about their already planned visit to see my mother and my brother (my mother lives about 3.5 hrs away, and my brother lives in the same town as me, but had already arranged to meet them at my mother's!), I was very hurt since they have not visited us for over 5 years, and then for only one day! They live in San Francisco, but spend 2 weeks every Christmas, and several weeks each summer, as well as several other times during the year, with her parents who live in Michigan (I live in GA). They fly to other states often, and even have flown to Europe; money is not an issue for them in any way, but they say it is too much traveling to come and visit me. (I have even been so petty as to look up on the map and see that flying to Detroit is actually further than flying to Atlanta, even though I didn't make that comment to them!). Anyway, they ended up canceling their spring trip, and then coming to visit my mother in NC in June. I had asked if I could have one or two full days of the 5 days they were spending there where I could just spend time with them and my granddaughters; they told me there was a family reunion (I wasn't invited to it, or told about it!), and that they didn't want to miss out on any time with the family reunion, so they didn't want to commit any time just to visiting with me while I was there. I let my son know that I felt hurt that I wasn't enough of a priority that he would have wanted to plan a visit to see me at some time, and that he didn't want to set aside some time during his visit to NC, even if he wasn't willing to come to GA. I told him about how when his grandparents lived in the same town in NC, his dad and I would make every effort to divide the time equally between the grandparents (when we flew in for a visit from CA, where I lived then). Anyway, I realize that this is too long and rambling of a story, and probably isn't explaining things clearly, or conveying how hurt I felt..... Anyway, the upshot is that after that, I was so depressed and sad, and my DH said he didn't want to watch more hurt. I decided to shut down my facebook, to block their phone numbers and texts, and also to block their emails. (All messages are forwarded to DH, who has promised to let me know if anything comes thru that indicates a desire for reconciliation). That has been 3 months; he just checked everything, and there have been no attempts at communication. I think they feel justified in causing whatever hurt. I was married 31 years, then chose to get a divorce (many reasons, but basically a verbally abusive and unsupportive relationship) 13 years ago, and remarried 6 years ago. My YS has told me that "there are consequences to getting a divorce." I fully realize that, and have explained to him that I had made the choice to stay in the very painful marriage for his and his brother, so that they wouldn't grow up in a broken home, and had hoped that the divorce would be less difficult for them once they were grown and out of college, married, etc. I guess I was wrong about that; divorce is never easy, and is certainly not something I had envisioned when I chose to be married. (I had also not envisioned the verbal abuse or extreme loneliness either!).

Anyway, the detachment is difficult, but at least I know I won't get a phone call from my YS about occasions to which I am not invited! (By the way, my DH and I have made 6 trips to CA for visits over the last 5 years to visit my YS and granddaughters!) Also, I do not have that hope or sort of on edge feeling that maybe this weekend they will call. (My YS would very erratically call, and even very occasionally skype, but would never call back if I called, or if I asked if we could skype - always on his and DIL terms and timing....)

I don't really expect that anyone can add anything to this, and am not looking for advice at all; I am just sharing what has helped me a little in recent months to at least keep some of the painfulness at bay. Occasionally I do have some sleepless nights, and wake up thinking about how much harder it is to have estrangement than death; with estrangement, my sons have CHOSEN to not have me as part of their lives, and the rejection is profound.