CHRISTIAN PARENTS of ESTRANGED ADULT CHILDREN Community Group
Estrangement makes it difficult to talk about with family, friends, neighbors and church members. Christians are NOT immune to broken families. Talk about your experiences with those who know how you feel and get positive support through your Christian faith...."In these last days difficult times will come, for men will be lovers of self...disobedient to parents,...
My husband of 44 years went to be with the Lord 18 months ago. The mourning process for his loss has been difficult in ways I never could have anticipated - everything about my life changed that day - absolutely everything. In addition to working through this process I am also to work through the process of being estranged from my daughters and grandchildren. Because the many emotions of this mourning process were coming at me like a flood there were some things I said and did that caused my daughters hurt, and there were things they said and did that caused me hurt. I have sincerely and deeply apologized to each of them, but it has not changed the estrangement. I understand forgiveness is a process and can take a long time. The one positive in all of this is that one of my sons-in-law is in disagreement with his wife (my daughter) and her sisters over how they are treating me and handling this situation. He has said he will do whatever it takes to make sure their 2 daughters see and have a relationship with their Gramma. He is very busy with many things going on in his world, but he does bring the girls over when he can. One of his daughters called me a few weeks ago and asked if we could go to lunch - and of course I said yes and so both of these granddaughters and I spent a Saturday afternoon together. Believe me it was the bright spot in my very sad life. God has blessed me with my son-in-law and I am so grateful.
Following is something I wrote a few weeks ago when I was very sad. It pretty much says what is in my heart.
THERE ARE MOMENTS
There are moments in life when I miss Jim so much that I just want to pick him from my dreams and hug him for real! Then the moment comes when that damn reality smacks me really hard and I know this will never happen. I know that as long as one of us is here on earth and the other is in heaven the hug will not happen – at least not now. So I begin the process of moving on wondering where this “moving on” will lead and who this “moving on” will bring into my life. If I had my choice I would not be having to experience this “moving on.” I would not have said many times in the past 17 months “please Lord make this all go away and take me back to my life before November 20, 2010.” Again, reality rears its ugly head and I know this can never be. I shed tears because I miss Jim. I smile because of the many wonderful memories. I wish more than anything else I could share these special memories with my daughters and grandchildren, but I know this cannot be - at least not now - maybe one day - maybe. And my heart hurts all over again. I tell myself it will be o.k. in the morning - maybe, just maybe tomorrow my heart will hurt less.
Then I am reminded that another holiday is coming up and I will not be spending it with my daughters, sons-in-law and grandchildren who are the sun in the morning, a rainbow after a rain, and the moon and stars at night. I know my daughters will not call because they do not want to talk to me. Just as I prayed "Lord, please make this all go away after Jim died" I pray again "Lord please bring a healing to this ugly estrangement with my daughters, please." My heart begins to hurt again, but I am not so sure it will be better in the morning, I sure hope I am wrong and the hurt will be less.
I know deep in my heart I cannot subject myself one more time to the false accusations made by my daughters. I know I will not be able to listen to any of their anger and hurtful things said about me because if this happens again it just may send me over the edge. I know I must protect myself. I know deep in my heart I was a good Mother and Wife – not perfect, but I always have and always will love each of them deeply. I also know that if either of them asked for my help I would be right there helping them if I am able– nothing else would matter to me.
Most important I know I have forgiven Jim for undermining me with my daughters. I also know I will never understand why this was done, but it doesn’t matter now. I know I have forgiven my daughters for the hurt caused me by them. I continue to pray that some how, some way they will also be able to accept my apologies to them for what I said and did that caused them hurt and come to forgiveness.
I know I cannot do the one thing they believe I should and that is apologize to them because of their false accusations. I know deep in my heart this is not true in any way shape or form. When I am wrong I have no problem apologizing, but I do not apologize for something I did not do.
More than anything else I know, that I know, the Lord Jesus is walking with me through all of this. I know He loves me unconditionally. I know He hears my prayer. I know He is working in this estrangement, but I do not know how or when a healing will begin.
Marriage begins with a smile, grows with a kiss and ends with tears.
Following is something I wrote a few weeks ago when I was very sad. It pretty much says what is in my heart.
THERE ARE MOMENTS
There are moments in life when I miss Jim so much that I just want to pick him from my dreams and hug him for real! Then the moment comes when that damn reality smacks me really hard and I know this will never happen. I know that as long as one of us is here on earth and the other is in heaven the hug will not happen – at least not now. So I begin the process of moving on wondering where this “moving on” will lead and who this “moving on” will bring into my life. If I had my choice I would not be having to experience this “moving on.” I would not have said many times in the past 17 months “please Lord make this all go away and take me back to my life before November 20, 2010.” Again, reality rears its ugly head and I know this can never be. I shed tears because I miss Jim. I smile because of the many wonderful memories. I wish more than anything else I could share these special memories with my daughters and grandchildren, but I know this cannot be - at least not now - maybe one day - maybe. And my heart hurts all over again. I tell myself it will be o.k. in the morning - maybe, just maybe tomorrow my heart will hurt less.
Then I am reminded that another holiday is coming up and I will not be spending it with my daughters, sons-in-law and grandchildren who are the sun in the morning, a rainbow after a rain, and the moon and stars at night. I know my daughters will not call because they do not want to talk to me. Just as I prayed "Lord, please make this all go away after Jim died" I pray again "Lord please bring a healing to this ugly estrangement with my daughters, please." My heart begins to hurt again, but I am not so sure it will be better in the morning, I sure hope I am wrong and the hurt will be less.
I know deep in my heart I cannot subject myself one more time to the false accusations made by my daughters. I know I will not be able to listen to any of their anger and hurtful things said about me because if this happens again it just may send me over the edge. I know I must protect myself. I know deep in my heart I was a good Mother and Wife – not perfect, but I always have and always will love each of them deeply. I also know that if either of them asked for my help I would be right there helping them if I am able– nothing else would matter to me.
Most important I know I have forgiven Jim for undermining me with my daughters. I also know I will never understand why this was done, but it doesn’t matter now. I know I have forgiven my daughters for the hurt caused me by them. I continue to pray that some how, some way they will also be able to accept my apologies to them for what I said and did that caused them hurt and come to forgiveness.
I know I cannot do the one thing they believe I should and that is apologize to them because of their false accusations. I know deep in my heart this is not true in any way shape or form. When I am wrong I have no problem apologizing, but I do not apologize for something I did not do.
More than anything else I know, that I know, the Lord Jesus is walking with me through all of this. I know He loves me unconditionally. I know He hears my prayer. I know He is working in this estrangement, but I do not know how or when a healing will begin.
Marriage begins with a smile, grows with a kiss and ends with tears.
My DH at age 69 is in poor health, COPD, diabetes, afibrilation, high blood pressure and has cataracts. He take 14 meds a day as it is. Right now, we take it one day at a time. If he sleeps past 9 in the morning I have to check on him.
When he goes, if he goes first, our situation will be the same as yours is now - but worse. Our son is our only child. Our DIL is the roadblock to resolution. We have 3 grandchildren - the youngest one I have never seen. The middle one I have held twice and she will be 6 in July. The oldest is our step-grandchild who was 3 when this estrangement happened. He is now 9.
The causes of our estrangement is the same as yours. Lies. Lies manufactured by my DIL and condoned by my son.
For you there is a blessing that you have a SIL that is compassionate and that will not condone the lies of his wife - our son does. There is also the blessing of being able to see your grandchildren. It does not take away the sadness that you feel due to the loss of your less-than-perfect husband I'm sure but at least the Good Lord has softened the blows of estrangement by having such an angel for a SIL.
I love what you say at the end, "Marriage begins with a smile, grows with a kiss and ends with tears." My son's best friend once asked me what the perfect ingredient was that made our marriage last so long and I answered - forgiveness. So I might add that to yours and use it as a quote some day. :-)
Thank you again for sharing this and God Bless,
GuelsMom
GuelsMom - I absolutely know and feel every thing you are going through. My DH had open heart surgery three different times, triple A surgery, a bleeding ulcer, stage 3 Kidney disease, COPD and many other medical issues during the past 25 years. I know the frustrations you feel with your DH. I know he also has frustrations. After his stroke during an angiogram he lost his ability to swallow and could not walk. It was when the cardio told him any further surgery was not possible he told me to have all IV's and medicines taken away. He was 75 yrs. old and just could not endure any more and 4 weeks later he went to be with the Lord.
I love that you included forgiveness because that is a very important ingredient in a marriage. Some times forgiveness takes a long time to reach, but it is so freeing when we can truly, heartfully forgive.
Estrangement from our children is very difficult to talk about and I wasn't sure I could post this, but it was the Lord's urging that had me sit down and share my pain. I am so sorry your DIL is spreading lies and your DS is going along with this. God has blessed me with my son-in-law. My other son-in-law, while he has not expressed his thoughts to me when I have seen him his hugs say it all. Unfortunately I do not get to see them often as they live out of state and my son-in-law is in the Navy and on deployment now. Only saw them at my grandson's graduation last June. I thank God every day that I am able to see 2 of my 6 grandchildren periodically. Surely there is a special place in heaven for my son-in-law.
Through all of this I will not give up the hope I have that one day a healing will begin.
The Lord's Blessings for both of you,
MCJ3321
Just a thought here; a lot of people who live a distance from their kids and grandkids are using Skype and another one (name ?) to keep up to date and have personal contact with them. My neighbor does that. They have an adorable 3 year old and the parents and grandparents live 2,000 miles away. They just go to the computer at designated times and chat with her using the computer's videocam. When they get to visit each other a couple times a year, it's as if they had not skipped a heartbeat. There is nothing to catch up on. I would give anything to do that with my grandkids but that is not going to happen anytime soon.
Revelation 21:4
And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.
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