CHRISTIAN PARENTS of ESTRANGED ADULT CHILDREN Community Group
Estrangement makes it difficult to talk about with family, friends, neighbors and church members. Christians are NOT immune to broken families. Talk about your experiences with those who know how you feel and get positive support through your Christian faith...."In these last days difficult times will come, for men will be lovers of self...disobedient to parents,...
I will start by saying that my mom detached from me when I was very little. We lived a pretty privileged and spoiled existence with live-in household help and full time yard crew, but when I was still a baby, my mother had her first miscarriage...followed by a couple of traumatic stillborn babies and other miscarriages. For whatever reason, she wanted nothing to do with me after losing those babies, but bonded deeply with my brothers who were born 5 & 10 yrs later. So, from toddler age on, I was nothing but an annoyance to her and raised by our wonderful maids/nannies. When our house caught fire (I was 6), my mom grabbed my brother and several cartons of cigarettes to escape the house with...lol My 2 brothers went to private Christian schools, but public was always good enough for me. My brothers received a car and a boat for HS graduation, my big gift was luggage. LOL Get the idea?
When I was 18, my innocence was stolen in a violent rape...as if the injuries that hospitalized me weren't enough, I learned weeks later, that I was pregnant. My parents had been pretty horrible to me through the rape anyway, but my mom lit up at the news that I was pregnant! She wanted the baby! She had wanted more children, but was unable to have them...this is perfect! It seemed like just the right thing for her.
Personally, all I could imagine was a baby with the same huge hook-nose that the man who raped me had, so I decided to place my baby with an agency. The idea of my mother raising the baby (who presumably would remind me of the rape) was not on my radar screen and my mother was furious. Maybe I should mention that I had a full academic scholarship to a university I loved at the time...(not that my parents were proud of me...) I did not want people at school to know about the rape, much less the pregnancy, so I dropped out of school.
Anyhow, at my 6th month ultrasound, when I saw my baby's profile, I started weeping...he had my nose...not the nose of the creep who ruined my life. I felt like it was a sign from God that I was called to love this baby...to separate him from the creep and give him the best life that I could...that God was entrusting him to me. It was not this poor sweet baby's fault that he was alive! I decided, at that point, to raise my son to the best of my ability..and that began the largest wide-scale poisoning effort ever in the history of family manipulations on the part of my parents! LOL
From an extremely young age, my parents began telling my son that I was a horrible person, a loser, didn't love him...etc etc. They constantly told him that, if I loved him, I would give him to them to raise...that they would provide a much better life! After all, I was a struggling single parent who dropped out of school, whereas they had loads of money. (NOT THAT THEY WOULD EVER OFFER TO HELP ME...which I did NOT EXPECT, but if you are going to run someone down for how hard their life is, it just seems warped!) I wanted what was best for my son and worked hard to do it. I kept him in a small wonderful Christian school near our home. My jobs all revolved around my son and my ability to be there for him...so I could shuttle him to and from school...he could do homework in my office after school, and then I worked as a caregiver at night in an adult family home. The elderly people were like grandparents to him and then he went to sleep while I worked all night... I also did bookkeeping from home to make ends meet. I worked a LOT and my parents were humiliated by my work...in my family, women should NEVER WORK. You get married and get pampered. And here I was working a TON.
Anyhow, after the rape, I thought very little of myself...wondered who would want me after I was no longer innocent and already had a child...(I had a very sweet, innocent and Biblical view of how things should be) Anyhow, I married the first guy to give me the time of day...and surprise surprise...he was a creep. When we found out I was pregnant, he left...packed up his stuff and LEFT...with a nasty voicemail saying he hoped I'd lose the baby and not to contact him ever. We later learned he had another family. Wow. ANYHOOO...that was pretty hard on my poor son. Not so much the daughter I had 8 months later, because she never had the attachment. AND...WOW WHAT FUEL for my parents' assertion that I was a loser! Boy did they ever step up their campaign.
I got my son into counseling with a wonderful Christian after my ex husband left and the counselor immediately confronted me about my parents. It had never occurred to me that 1)they could be wrong about me and 2) whether I was a loser or not, it was wrong for them to say that to my children! LOL When I caught on that I was allowed to set healthy boundaries and started trying to do so, they went a little crazy. They evicted the kids and I from the house we rented from them (and then rented it to my single wealthy brother for 1/4 of the rent). But, they somehow sold my son on the idea that they HAD to evict us because his uncle "needed" to live there (???) whatever. Anyhow, when we moved, they started sending my son laminated posters of the accommodations he could have "if only I gave him to them"...and even descriptions of vacations, video games, etc. Anything you can think of...and my mom would send lipstick covered letters and teddy bears with vials of her perfume so he could hug the bear and think of her. The counselor was very very alarmed. But, really, it was too late. The counselor called me mom and asked her to come to counseling with my son to discuss appropriate grandparent/grandchild relationships...I had walked in on my mother kissing his neck and ears and whispering to him when he was 13!!! My mother vehemently argued that no one understood their special relationship...it was unique and precious and people were trying to pervert it.
Fast forward....I married my DH who is amazing!! He adopted my kids and loves them like his own. My son and him were close...as close as anyone can be with my parents lurking outside the door to steal your boy. At 18, and while a senior in HS... he left. He went to live with them and of course is living in the lap of luxury. They bought him the brand new SUV he wanted and everything he could ever hope for. He is theirs, like they always wanted. And he has never looked back. The first Christmas after he moved out, he did come by to pick up gifts (we were pregnant with my 3 yr old at the time) and he said, "My friends will love all this stuff! I don't have anything I want now that I live with Nana and Papa!" I would bet my left arm my mother told him to say that...he doesn't talk that way.
We know how my mom works. You don't cross her. You don't talk to people she doesn't like, if you want to be in her good graces. Except for perverted secret (and thankfully rare) meetings my mom has with me in order to hurt me, no one in my family talks to me...especially not my son. So, 4 yrs have gone by...without a word from him. I didn't get invited to his HS graduation (invitation only)...He returns cards/letters, so I quit writing. I am left to hope and pray.
I did the best I could. I apologized for my failings. There is no way to compete with my mother for his love. I already know that. My ES & oldest daughter had been very close. She found him on FB and wrote a really sweet email about how she was excited to see him on there and hoped they could talk. He wrote back a nasty diatribe about how evil my DH & I are...how much he hates us...and.that we "Destroyed the family because of our selfishness" (meaning we didn't let my mom have him) and that he will never talk to us, but if she wants to talk to him, ok. LOL Nice. She opted to not reply and wants nothing to do with him. He has been drinking the KoolAid over there too long.
I should end by saying that I am VERY blessed. My DH and DD's are AMAZING! We are expecting another baby, which has us elated! Compared to so many other moms of EK's, I am very blessed. I know where my son is. He is physically safe (sort of...I hear he is over 300 lbs and is only 5'6", so he can't be THAT happy). He is by all standards polite and hard working for OTHER people...he was a junior sheriff while he lived at home, and had hoped to be a Sheriff Deputy. People love him and always compliment me on how polite and sweet he is. I believe that my biggest mistake as a parent was letting my parents have any involvement in his life whatsoever! But, I did...and it is too late. This situation is too big for Dr. Coleman or any other human...it is completely at the foot of the cross now....I just fervently pray for healing and restoration.
:-(
When I was 18, my innocence was stolen in a violent rape...as if the injuries that hospitalized me weren't enough, I learned weeks later, that I was pregnant. My parents had been pretty horrible to me through the rape anyway, but my mom lit up at the news that I was pregnant! She wanted the baby! She had wanted more children, but was unable to have them...this is perfect! It seemed like just the right thing for her.
Personally, all I could imagine was a baby with the same huge hook-nose that the man who raped me had, so I decided to place my baby with an agency. The idea of my mother raising the baby (who presumably would remind me of the rape) was not on my radar screen and my mother was furious. Maybe I should mention that I had a full academic scholarship to a university I loved at the time...(not that my parents were proud of me...) I did not want people at school to know about the rape, much less the pregnancy, so I dropped out of school.
Anyhow, at my 6th month ultrasound, when I saw my baby's profile, I started weeping...he had my nose...not the nose of the creep who ruined my life. I felt like it was a sign from God that I was called to love this baby...to separate him from the creep and give him the best life that I could...that God was entrusting him to me. It was not this poor sweet baby's fault that he was alive! I decided, at that point, to raise my son to the best of my ability..and that began the largest wide-scale poisoning effort ever in the history of family manipulations on the part of my parents! LOL
From an extremely young age, my parents began telling my son that I was a horrible person, a loser, didn't love him...etc etc. They constantly told him that, if I loved him, I would give him to them to raise...that they would provide a much better life! After all, I was a struggling single parent who dropped out of school, whereas they had loads of money. (NOT THAT THEY WOULD EVER OFFER TO HELP ME...which I did NOT EXPECT, but if you are going to run someone down for how hard their life is, it just seems warped!) I wanted what was best for my son and worked hard to do it. I kept him in a small wonderful Christian school near our home. My jobs all revolved around my son and my ability to be there for him...so I could shuttle him to and from school...he could do homework in my office after school, and then I worked as a caregiver at night in an adult family home. The elderly people were like grandparents to him and then he went to sleep while I worked all night... I also did bookkeeping from home to make ends meet. I worked a LOT and my parents were humiliated by my work...in my family, women should NEVER WORK. You get married and get pampered. And here I was working a TON.
Anyhow, after the rape, I thought very little of myself...wondered who would want me after I was no longer innocent and already had a child...(I had a very sweet, innocent and Biblical view of how things should be) Anyhow, I married the first guy to give me the time of day...and surprise surprise...he was a creep. When we found out I was pregnant, he left...packed up his stuff and LEFT...with a nasty voicemail saying he hoped I'd lose the baby and not to contact him ever. We later learned he had another family. Wow. ANYHOOO...that was pretty hard on my poor son. Not so much the daughter I had 8 months later, because she never had the attachment. AND...WOW WHAT FUEL for my parents' assertion that I was a loser! Boy did they ever step up their campaign.
I got my son into counseling with a wonderful Christian after my ex husband left and the counselor immediately confronted me about my parents. It had never occurred to me that 1)they could be wrong about me and 2) whether I was a loser or not, it was wrong for them to say that to my children! LOL When I caught on that I was allowed to set healthy boundaries and started trying to do so, they went a little crazy. They evicted the kids and I from the house we rented from them (and then rented it to my single wealthy brother for 1/4 of the rent). But, they somehow sold my son on the idea that they HAD to evict us because his uncle "needed" to live there (???) whatever. Anyhow, when we moved, they started sending my son laminated posters of the accommodations he could have "if only I gave him to them"...and even descriptions of vacations, video games, etc. Anything you can think of...and my mom would send lipstick covered letters and teddy bears with vials of her perfume so he could hug the bear and think of her. The counselor was very very alarmed. But, really, it was too late. The counselor called me mom and asked her to come to counseling with my son to discuss appropriate grandparent/grandchild relationships...I had walked in on my mother kissing his neck and ears and whispering to him when he was 13!!! My mother vehemently argued that no one understood their special relationship...it was unique and precious and people were trying to pervert it.
Fast forward....I married my DH who is amazing!! He adopted my kids and loves them like his own. My son and him were close...as close as anyone can be with my parents lurking outside the door to steal your boy. At 18, and while a senior in HS... he left. He went to live with them and of course is living in the lap of luxury. They bought him the brand new SUV he wanted and everything he could ever hope for. He is theirs, like they always wanted. And he has never looked back. The first Christmas after he moved out, he did come by to pick up gifts (we were pregnant with my 3 yr old at the time) and he said, "My friends will love all this stuff! I don't have anything I want now that I live with Nana and Papa!" I would bet my left arm my mother told him to say that...he doesn't talk that way.
We know how my mom works. You don't cross her. You don't talk to people she doesn't like, if you want to be in her good graces. Except for perverted secret (and thankfully rare) meetings my mom has with me in order to hurt me, no one in my family talks to me...especially not my son. So, 4 yrs have gone by...without a word from him. I didn't get invited to his HS graduation (invitation only)...He returns cards/letters, so I quit writing. I am left to hope and pray.
I did the best I could. I apologized for my failings. There is no way to compete with my mother for his love. I already know that. My ES & oldest daughter had been very close. She found him on FB and wrote a really sweet email about how she was excited to see him on there and hoped they could talk. He wrote back a nasty diatribe about how evil my DH & I are...how much he hates us...and.that we "Destroyed the family because of our selfishness" (meaning we didn't let my mom have him) and that he will never talk to us, but if she wants to talk to him, ok. LOL Nice. She opted to not reply and wants nothing to do with him. He has been drinking the KoolAid over there too long.
I should end by saying that I am VERY blessed. My DH and DD's are AMAZING! We are expecting another baby, which has us elated! Compared to so many other moms of EK's, I am very blessed. I know where my son is. He is physically safe (sort of...I hear he is over 300 lbs and is only 5'6", so he can't be THAT happy). He is by all standards polite and hard working for OTHER people...he was a junior sheriff while he lived at home, and had hoped to be a Sheriff Deputy. People love him and always compliment me on how polite and sweet he is. I believe that my biggest mistake as a parent was letting my parents have any involvement in his life whatsoever! But, I did...and it is too late. This situation is too big for Dr. Coleman or any other human...it is completely at the foot of the cross now....I just fervently pray for healing and restoration.
:-(
PEACE
God Bless! :-)
Aren't boundaries quite a concept? :) I've had a chance to really ponder boundaries in the last few years and get perspective on how healthy it is to have them firmly in place. Not stone walls that no one can penetrate, just healthy boundaries. I am practicing how to implement healthy boundaries. T'ain't always easy but I'm trying. :)
I wanted to share a verse that has encouraged me so much in this trial - it's Job 23:10. "But he knoweth the way that I take: when he hath tried me, I shall come forth as gold."
Others can guess, misunderstand and accuse, but the Lord KNOWS the way we take. He knows our hearts, he catches our tears of bewilderment and pain. That is good comfort!! He knows and exalts the lowly in heart. He is close to the brokenhearted.
Thank you for sharing your story with us! I am so glad that you're here!
Anyhow, Job is near and dear to my heart. We have lost much...and are still losing much...but we know God is carrying us through this...and for now, we pray for our current pregnancy. I have been on bed rest for almost a week and I am only 9 weeks pregnant. i do 3 injections a day to try to keep this baby and pray constantly. My husband used to be an Executive Vice President, and has never in his life been unemployed (not since he was 13)...he lost his job last September and has not been able to find work since. We have a LOT of stress in our lives, but we feel God's presence and have relied 100% on Him for provision! He is teaching us about living in the absence of fear right now! :-)
I often wonder if we have gone through so much to make my son's choice to be away from us seem like one of the many things we have to leave at the foot of the cross? Maybe God allowed so much to happen to us to help us handle our ES leaving? I don't know. It is still an ache in my heart, but with all we have going on, I can't mope about it! lol And wouldn't it be wonderful if this baby was a boy? Our angel baby (whom we delivered at home) WAS a boy and I wondered why God allowed both of my boys to leave me!? It would be extremely special if we got to welcome a baby boy into our family again and raise him without the evil influences of my parents. Of course, we just want a healthy baby of EITHER gender!
This might weird some of you out...but I have received from the Lord again & again in prayer that I need to pray for protection against curses from my mother...and from my family... that they actively engage the enemy in attacks on me and my DH and DD's. This was a devastating thing to me, but I do believe it was from the Lord and that it is true. I know God will only allow what we can handle, but these attacks are a consequence of my ignorance in even being involved with my family as long as I was, in a sense.
Anyhow, if you think of it, please pray for our baby who is only 1 inch long and fighting to stay in my womb. We love him/her so much and are begging God to let us bring this one home healthy from the hospital in October!
I was so inspired also when you said that others can guess, misunderstand and accuse, but the Lord KNOWS the way we take. He knows our hearts, he catches our tears of bewilderment and pain. That is good comfort!! He knows and exalts the lowly in heart. He is close to the brokenhearted. Almost brought tears to my eyes.
All of you are so kind and supportive of each other. That is how we grow - by helping others.
Trying, I am definitely keeping you and that little baby of yours in my prayers! And your DH too! Keep us update on how things are going. Make sure you take care of yourself. You and that baby are top priority right now.
God Bless -
Thank you for your prayers. The only thing I know for sure is that I am doing everything HUMANLY possible for this baby. I do not move at all...except to make quick potty trips. I think I am developing dreadlocks. LOL Just kidding. I go Monday for another ultrasound and more labs to see how we are doing and I am nervous about just getting dressed...into the car & such. I will have to give that one to the Lord, too. :-) He is the author of life! I am being cared for by a WONDERFUL team of specialists assembled by our Almighty Physician! It doesn't get any more thorough than that!