CHRISTIAN PARENTS of ESTRANGED ADULT CHILDREN Community Group

Estrangement makes it difficult to talk about with family, friends, neighbors and church members. Christians are NOT immune to broken families. Talk about your experiences with those who know how you feel and get positive support through your Christian faith...."In these last days difficult times will come, for men will be lovers of self...disobedient to parents,...

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gordos4 02/15/2015

I was thinking of my ES yesterday, which I do every day, and the though occurred to me "What if I never see him again?" The thought was ludicrous to me. My mom left when I was 10 & I never saw her again. I wonder if she felt the same way? I think of being an old lady & having to deal with the fact that I never saw my son again after 2014. The thought of it just made me sick to my stomach. I went to mass last night & asked God to cleanse my family of the dysfunction, depression, alcoholism, abandonment, etc..I feel that this runs in my family. My moms mom abandoned her too. My sisters & I ended that cycle with our kids, we loved them, took care of them, & never left them. My oldest sister is estranged from her son too. I am thinking it is a family curse. I keep thinking of God's words in Exodus, in which He promised to men, to curse their future generations, for years & years to come. Am I being punished for my ancestors sinful behavior? Being raised Catholic, I was told this is the case. There really is something to the phrase "Catholic Guilt". I do believe I am being punished and that I deserve everything I am getting. I was brought up to fear God, that He is a wrathful, vengeful God. We are supposed to be God fearing, which I certainly am. Is this thinking distorted? I am just feeling down, yesterday was one year since my dad's passing.

deleted_user 02/15/2015

I am so sorry for your loss of your dad. Anniversaries of deaths, especially the first one, are very hard. I feel your thinking is distorted, because you were taught to feel everything was your fault, when in fact I believe very strongly that almost everyone here on this site, it is not our fault that our children are EC. We loved them deeply and fiercely, and gave them everything we had to give. Many, many families have challenges, but I am convinced it is not these challenges that drive our children to estrangement. And remember, you are not alone in having the problem of having an estranged child. When my ES and DIL started the estrangement, I realized that just among my circle of friends and acquaintances, probably 80% of them had children they were estranged from, or grandchildren they were prevented from seeing. Or had profoundly using, ungrateful adult children, who used them as free babysitters, but did not honor them or respect them. It is epidemic, it was unheard of when we were young adults, and now it is epidemic. So, if it is an epidemic, and it happens to a very high percentage of people our age, it is highly unlikely that in your particular case, you are the one person whose own actions caused her son to become an ES. Also, our adult children are CHOOSING to estrange from us. They are adults and they are making these decisions, so they are the only ones to blame. In the sense that once they are adults, we have no control over their behavior, and they are choosing to make decisions that cause us tremendous pain, fear and sorrow. That is absolutely not God's plan for us, in my opinion. I believe God is as distressed as we are by our EC's decisions. Growing up I had close friends who were Catholics, so I've had personal experience of the Catholic guilt, which is a real thing. But please, fight against that belief that you deserve everything bad that is happening to you. You are a loved child of God, and also you can stand with head held high, and be so very proud of your tremendous accomplishment that the abandoning in your family ended with you. I also, the severe abuse in my family of origin, ended with me. Paradoxically, my children are not grateful for that, because they cannot understand the magnitude of what I did. They have no idea what it is like to be not loved, abused, violated and deserted. There is a huge chasm between me and them, that can't be bridged. But my older son recognizes that there are things about my childhood and growing up that he can never understand, and he just understands and respects that I have suffered terribly in ways he can never know. My younger son, my ES does not afford me the same courtesy. But again, please, please push against, fight against that feeling of shame, that you deserve what has happened to you. You absolutely do not deserve having an ES, and you absolutely deserve to be treated with love, honor, and respect for you are a child of God, and he loves you like you love your children. Hugs and prayers to you.

savedbyhim45 02/15/2015

Jesus taught about love, and forgiveness. I do not think his theology should be based on fear. That distorts everything we see about Jesus.You must trust in Gods love for you and your family. He is grieving with you. We live in a unjust world and spiritual battles are going on. God is fighting for you,not against you.

gordos4 02/15/2015

Thank you both. Part of me realizes that most religions do NOT teach this. I was in Catholic school my whole school life, except for 4th & 5th grade. A nun once said "If you pick your nose, you will go to hell" No kidding. We were taught to literally FEAR God, & nothing else. Don't get me wrong, I love my church, but I don't agree with all her teachings/beliefs. While we are on the subject, what is you all's opinion on confession?

lindajoan 02/15/2015

I believe this is a spiritual battle and the enemy is the destroyer. This battle belongs to the Lord. Jesus shows grace and love to His children. Guilt is so common for us to have but I do believe it comes from the enemy. Let's tell him, No. We should have a Holy respect of God because of who He is but the only time one should be afraid is if we do not accept Jesus as our Savior for that holds eternal consequences.

Our AC make choices and they will have consequences. One of them is losing a good mother in their lives. Only God can turn it around. We keep praying for them!

loss2big 02/15/2015

I saw a program today that speaks to your questions gordos4. It is a series by Andy at Northpointonlinetv.org It is in fact playing again right now at that address. The series is called "Brand: New" and the particular video is number three in the series. Watch Part 3 in the series, Brand:New. It gets better and better as it goes on.
http://www.northpointonline.tv/

gordos4 02/15/2015

Thank you loss2big

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