CHRISTIAN PARENTS of ESTRANGED ADULT CHILDREN Community Group
Estrangement makes it difficult to talk about with family, friends, neighbors and church members. Christians are NOT immune to broken families. Talk about your experiences with those who know how you feel and get positive support through your Christian faith...."In these last days difficult times will come, for men will be lovers of self...disobedient to parents,...
Have any of you ever read "The Rules" (time tested secrets for capturing the heart of Mr. Right)? I thought the title sounded silly at first, but after reading it, I realized that it made a lot of sense and was really talking about setting boundaries with others so that we are treated right.
I took "The Rules" from the book and composed "The Rules" for dealing with estrangement. Feel free to add your own.
EC (estranged child)
Rule #1: Be A Parent Unlike The One You Used to Be: if you were a doormat, get a backbone.
Rule #2: Don't Beg Your EC and Ask For Reconciliation: They started it, they need to stop it.
Rule #3: Don't Look at Their Facebook or Obsess About Them
Rule #4: Don't Meet Them Halfway: They have to come to you and half-hearted reconciliations are not ok.
Rule #5: Don't Call EC and Rarely Return Calls: Let them do the chasing
Rule #6: Always End Phone Calls First: Don't cling to their every word and if they're rude hang up
Rule #7: Don't Accept Last Minute Plans: Show them they're not all we have on our calendars.
Rule #8: End Visits First and Don't Act Needy
Rule #9: Stop Calling, Emailing, Sending Cards, Gifts for B-days/Holidays If You Receive Nothing From EC
Rule #10: Don't See EC's More Than Once A Month: Let them long to see you
Rule #11: Let EC Make All The Efforts to Reconcile
Rule #12: Don't Rush Into Reconciliations: Hold back and be cautious and let them prove they are serious
Rule #13: No More Than A Casual Visit After Reconciliation: Don't go all out the first time
Rule #14: Don't Tell EC What to Do: Let them figure out their own lives and solve their own problems
Rule #15: Don't Give Money, Loans, Bailouts or Enable: Give money only if its a gift they earned
Rule #16: Don't Try to Change EC: Its impossible anyway. Change yourself instead to be the best you can be
Rule #17: Be Nice, But Not Too Nice: Otherwise, you return to being a doormat
Rule #18: Don't Let Them Move Back In or Move In With Them
Rule #19: Don't Have A Relationship With an EC Who Is Abusive: We deserve better than crumbs.
Rule #20: Even If You Have Reconciled, Still Do The Rules: Relationships without boundaries crumble
Rule #21: Take Care of Yourself and Put Yourself First
Rule #22: Don't Break the Rules
Rule #23: Fill Up Your Own Life: EC shouldn't be your whole life - your life is great with or without them
Rule #24: Give Your Love to Those Who Love You: You still love them, but you don't let your love be trampled
Rule #25: Let Go and Let God
I took "The Rules" from the book and composed "The Rules" for dealing with estrangement. Feel free to add your own.
EC (estranged child)
Rule #1: Be A Parent Unlike The One You Used to Be: if you were a doormat, get a backbone.
Rule #2: Don't Beg Your EC and Ask For Reconciliation: They started it, they need to stop it.
Rule #3: Don't Look at Their Facebook or Obsess About Them
Rule #4: Don't Meet Them Halfway: They have to come to you and half-hearted reconciliations are not ok.
Rule #5: Don't Call EC and Rarely Return Calls: Let them do the chasing
Rule #6: Always End Phone Calls First: Don't cling to their every word and if they're rude hang up
Rule #7: Don't Accept Last Minute Plans: Show them they're not all we have on our calendars.
Rule #8: End Visits First and Don't Act Needy
Rule #9: Stop Calling, Emailing, Sending Cards, Gifts for B-days/Holidays If You Receive Nothing From EC
Rule #10: Don't See EC's More Than Once A Month: Let them long to see you
Rule #11: Let EC Make All The Efforts to Reconcile
Rule #12: Don't Rush Into Reconciliations: Hold back and be cautious and let them prove they are serious
Rule #13: No More Than A Casual Visit After Reconciliation: Don't go all out the first time
Rule #14: Don't Tell EC What to Do: Let them figure out their own lives and solve their own problems
Rule #15: Don't Give Money, Loans, Bailouts or Enable: Give money only if its a gift they earned
Rule #16: Don't Try to Change EC: Its impossible anyway. Change yourself instead to be the best you can be
Rule #17: Be Nice, But Not Too Nice: Otherwise, you return to being a doormat
Rule #18: Don't Let Them Move Back In or Move In With Them
Rule #19: Don't Have A Relationship With an EC Who Is Abusive: We deserve better than crumbs.
Rule #20: Even If You Have Reconciled, Still Do The Rules: Relationships without boundaries crumble
Rule #21: Take Care of Yourself and Put Yourself First
Rule #22: Don't Break the Rules
Rule #23: Fill Up Your Own Life: EC shouldn't be your whole life - your life is great with or without them
Rule #24: Give Your Love to Those Who Love You: You still love them, but you don't let your love be trampled
Rule #25: Let Go and Let God
I know you wanted the best for her because you have a good and caring heart. To ease the pain, try and step into her shoes for a moment. It is inherent in almost all adopted children to want to at least know their biological parents. Some get to know them and then are so disillusioned after the euphoria wears off that they are glad that they had someone like you that really cared for them. It's tough on you I know but give it some time. She may also come to a point where she wants both of you in her life too. This does not necessarily mean one or the other. I would also keep on doing the anything that you might have done in the past, like emailing, cards, gifts or whatever. People can love two parents - but differently. Your relationship with her will never be that of a biological mother, but by the same token her relationship that she had with you as the caring parent in her life during the most important years, will never be forgotten either.
Keep praying, trust that God promises to pull us through those times of sadness and disappointments. The poem 'Footprints in the Sand' reminds us that even though we may not "feel" God's presence, He is always there lifting us up and carrying us through.
OandO, please do not apologize for 'ranting.' You are not ranting, you are expressing you pain and sadness.
((((HUGS))))
I understand your confusion too about how it is that she would choose to return to abuse and living with such a serious dysfunctional family over one that was far superior, but not perfect either as you humbly say of yourself.
This is the same type of perplexing behavior that divorced parents encounter with Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS). The children seem to gravitate back to the parent that may have caused the divorce by being either physically abusive, sexually abusive or suffering with addiction. Why? I'm not sure I can really give that answer other than to assume that "roots" has a lot to do with it. Roots that an adopted parent can't give. Some want to find out the "why" of it all? Others may want to find out if it "really" was as bad as it was made out to be. Still some may feel that if they were abused as a defenseless child, they might have the power to defend themselves better now that they are older. Yet, others may have originally come away from that dysfunctional environment believing that they need that "protection" of the parent that was so controlling by being abusive because they have been taught that control = love, power = protection.
The way I see, in PAS with dysfunctional family kids like yours was, it is that their minds are not healthy, reasoning and mature minds. They are "dependent" minds that get lured back to what they "feel" is best for them - not what they "know" is best for them. Does it make sense to any parent that was the caregiver for the majority of that child's life? No, it never will to a person that makes decisions based on reason, God and logic instead of "feelings."
My child was adopted at the age of 1 after having been left to die on the streets of Colombia, SA. during his teen years, wanting to find his biological mom to tell her that he was ok, was VERY important to him but it was totally impossible for that to ever happen. But there was, and always will be that void.
Even under normal conditions, adoptee's see adopted parents "differently" than we see them. To us, or at least to me, that was MY CHILD that God had been so gracious to give to me. He was not born of my body, but he was born in my heart. To me there was no difference - none whatsoever! But, to them there is always that "elusive mom" that is always in the background.
I hope this helps you, hon. We are in this together! You'll get through this bump and survive it with Jesus carrying you in His arms.
I can't tell you if your daughter will come back to you after returning to her dysfunctional biological family or not but many do return to the parent that truly cared for them by choice.
((Hugs))
I understand your confusion too about how it is that she would choose abuse and living with such a serious dysfunctional family over one that was far superior, but not perfect either as you humbly say of yourself. This is the same type of perplexing behavior that divorced parents encounter with Parental Aleination Syndrome. The children seem to gravitate back to the parent that may have caused the divorce by being either physically abusive, sexually abusive or addiction. Why? I'm not sure I can really give that answer other than to believe that "roots" has a lot to do with it. Roots that an adopted parent can't give. Some want to find out why? Others may want to find out if it "really" was that bad after all. Still some may feel that if they were abused as defenseless child, they might have the power to defend themselves better now that they are older. Yet, others may have come away in the first place believing that they need that "protection" of the parent that was so controlling by being abusive because they have been taught that control = love, power = protection. Their minds are not healthy, reasoning and mature minds. They are "dependent" minds that get lured back to what they "feel" is best for them - not what they "know" is best for them. Does it make sense? No, it never will to a person that makes decisions based on reason, God and logic.