CHRISTIAN PARENTS of ESTRANGED ADULT CHILDREN Community Group
Estrangement makes it difficult to talk about with family, friends, neighbors and church members. Christians are NOT immune to broken families. Talk about your experiences with those who know how you feel and get positive support through your Christian faith...."In these last days difficult times will come, for men will be lovers of self...disobedient to parents,...
Here’s something I haven’t shared with you because it really doubles my pain and I didn’t want to be swallowed alive in it.
You all know we have a grown son who overnight turned against us, un-friended me on FB, changed his phone number, moved away to parts unknown, had a baby in December we haven’t ever even seen pictures of (except one by ‘accident’), and have only heard that he hopes I am being hurt by his actions.
We also have two teenage Chinese girls living with us (both are students at the school I teach at). One is here for her second year and was actually kicked out of the dorm over 2 years ago because of hygiene issues. She probably places somewhere on the autistic spectrum: her mother says there is no school in China which would accept her. We love here dearly as a member of our family.
The other girl, who just graduated last night, used to be best friends with the first girl but hasn’t spoken more than 25 words to here since she has been with us last August. She bears a grudge against her mother (I think over the mother’s wishes for the girl’s future – it’s rather fuzzy.) She refuses to talk with her mother and refuses to accept a long-distance apology or one in person. I watch how this girl disrespects her mother and it cuts like a knife. She also despises her younger sister.
I have not been able to reach this girl – her life is completely wrapped up in herself. Her parents are paying thousands and thousands of dollars for her education in America and the girl only wants to party and play video games and sleep and eat. Studying? Ha – she barely graduated with a 60% in most of her subjects. Yet, we love her as deeply as the other girl. But to have her live with us and yet be completely helpless to affect her attitude towards her mother shows me how deeply and incomprehensible this estrangement issue is. It helps me to see things from my son’s perspective, and it is disgusting and so needless. When this much love is available, to shove it away blows my mind.
So I have purposefully tried not to dwell on it with this girl and have tried not to cross her (since she never forgets or forgives), knowing that this ‘relationship’ is under her control. I did insist she go to graduation last night (she originally had planned to fly home yesterday); she didn’t want to go and didn’t want her relatives that live here to go and didn’t want me to go (except I am a secondary teacher at this school and I was needed to play Pomp and Circumstance.) Her father wanted to come all the way from China for her graduation, but she told him not to come.
So we take her to the airport this afternoon – probably never to see her again. She is not a Christian (and neither is the other girl, yet.) Of course, God is still God, and He can make the seed that may have been planted come to fruition. But I hold the tears in until after she is gone: tears for her, for her parents, for her only sister, for our son, for me. Would we have her stay with us all over again, knowing what this year would bring? Yes and yes. But loves does hurt….
You all know we have a grown son who overnight turned against us, un-friended me on FB, changed his phone number, moved away to parts unknown, had a baby in December we haven’t ever even seen pictures of (except one by ‘accident’), and have only heard that he hopes I am being hurt by his actions.
We also have two teenage Chinese girls living with us (both are students at the school I teach at). One is here for her second year and was actually kicked out of the dorm over 2 years ago because of hygiene issues. She probably places somewhere on the autistic spectrum: her mother says there is no school in China which would accept her. We love here dearly as a member of our family.
The other girl, who just graduated last night, used to be best friends with the first girl but hasn’t spoken more than 25 words to here since she has been with us last August. She bears a grudge against her mother (I think over the mother’s wishes for the girl’s future – it’s rather fuzzy.) She refuses to talk with her mother and refuses to accept a long-distance apology or one in person. I watch how this girl disrespects her mother and it cuts like a knife. She also despises her younger sister.
I have not been able to reach this girl – her life is completely wrapped up in herself. Her parents are paying thousands and thousands of dollars for her education in America and the girl only wants to party and play video games and sleep and eat. Studying? Ha – she barely graduated with a 60% in most of her subjects. Yet, we love her as deeply as the other girl. But to have her live with us and yet be completely helpless to affect her attitude towards her mother shows me how deeply and incomprehensible this estrangement issue is. It helps me to see things from my son’s perspective, and it is disgusting and so needless. When this much love is available, to shove it away blows my mind.
So I have purposefully tried not to dwell on it with this girl and have tried not to cross her (since she never forgets or forgives), knowing that this ‘relationship’ is under her control. I did insist she go to graduation last night (she originally had planned to fly home yesterday); she didn’t want to go and didn’t want her relatives that live here to go and didn’t want me to go (except I am a secondary teacher at this school and I was needed to play Pomp and Circumstance.) Her father wanted to come all the way from China for her graduation, but she told him not to come.
So we take her to the airport this afternoon – probably never to see her again. She is not a Christian (and neither is the other girl, yet.) Of course, God is still God, and He can make the seed that may have been planted come to fruition. But I hold the tears in until after she is gone: tears for her, for her parents, for her only sister, for our son, for me. Would we have her stay with us all over again, knowing what this year would bring? Yes and yes. But loves does hurt….
I know that these kids have been touched by my friend and her husband in such a positive way and being exposed to attending church has left an impression on them, as well. I am sure, likewise, you have touched your students in a positive manner. As you well know, we don't always realize how much we have touched certain people and, at other times, we do. What you do know is you planted lots of good seeds and showed them the love of Jesus. Now I pray for your sadness to be replaced with gladness, knowing you were a "good and faithful servant."
In high school I befriended a girl from Japan that was staying with a host family. Her host family's daughter was rude and would not let her associate with me at school and we could only see each other after school on days when that daughter had work or cheerleader practice. The parents didn't step in to stop their own daughter's rudeness. My friend and I cared a great deal for each other, I included her in our wedding just after graduation. She flew back to Japan. A year and a half later she came to visit the host family in the states and visit me in the hospital as I'd just had my son. That was the last time they saw her in person or spoke to her, but she and I remained friends for 16 years. In recent years we've lost touch, but recently I found some old letters from her parent's address and plan to write and try to contact her again.
The exchange program can be a great thing, but not all the kids or host families are as grateful and loving as they should be. I still stand by it as being a great program. And I'm glad to know you are making a difference.