Maria, I hope for the sake of your relationship that your son sees his missing parent's imperfections just as he sees yours just as well as his own. He needs to see that everyone has imperfections that need to be forgiven. I think before your son can live with himself, his missing parent and himself he needs to see that he too is not perfect.

The biggest danger is see that a faithful parent has is that when the child finds and returns to the missing parent, the missing parent does not begin to pit the faithful parent against the child, therefore, making him choose.

I think you son knows deep down in his heart that you were the good and faithful parent but I also hope that he accepts the fact that both of his parents are imperfect human beings like he himself is.

God Bless

That is a common theme on these Estranged sites - single parents questioning whether the EK's will see the missing parents' faults or not. GuelsMom is right on with the comment that we should hope our EK's see faults in ALL of us because they are certainly there. That is a crucial part of the maturation process. I am admittedly slow in that respect myself. Too quick to judge others. In the past year since this estrangement began, my ED has sought out her previous foster mom/family and eventually her birth family as well. I have no idea what she says to them or they to her about my part in the picture of ED's life. I have been critical about these people when talking with ED, based almost entirely on FB information and facts from the past. People do change and I need to stop judging so much and allow for the fact that they may be different now. I have always pointed out to ED (as did ED's therapist) that her previous foster family gave her up after 3 years and she needs to focus on bonding with the one that was there for her (me). As for the birth family, while I'm not sure of the direct harm they may have commited against ED during the first 9 yrs. of her life, I can see that their lifestyle and lack of good decision making placed my ED in harms way much to her detriment. The state authorities terminated both parents' rights (they were divorced as well) and NO other family members stepped forward and/or qualified as fit parents to take the 2 girls into their homes. Now they are all the cat's meow as far as my ED is concerned. I have no choice but to allow ED to form her own judgements about the quality of love she is receiving from these almost strangers now, but related by blood.

Maria,
If you can imagine how it would feel to be a child raised with one parent and wondering about the other throughout their lives, how confusing that would be. Divorced kids have much more to deal with in a single family dwelling. Kids hopping from one parent to another disturbs their stability and security. Because of our choices, some children feel they are being penalized instead. This is far from the truth, but a reality.


There are so many emotions, and feelings that go along with that. The major one being rejection. Unfortunately, since we are the primary caretakers, those feelings and emotions can be projected onto us as they have no communication or understanding to the other parent's decision to be distant or absent from the home.

Many children blame themselves for the breakup. Even if we told them it was not their fault. Children will take on the blame subconciously and try to find a way to be connected to the other parent in order to feel accepted or whole. Sometimes the children begin to have "approval" behaviors due to the divorce, and will seek that approval at all costs from the other parent. Even if its getting rid of one parent to be accepted by the other.

It would be ideal if they were mature enough to figure out the faithfulness of one parent. What I have found is the anger or frustration our kids feel with the parent who takes care of us is projected onto those that are the closest, and that would be you/me. The single Mom who did everything to give that child a loving home. But its really not about us.

The child has to figure out which parent is more "sane", the Mom or the Dad and then figure out the difference for themselves and then choose or accept both. In my kids experience it was difficult for them to love us both at the same time. They felt they would betray the other parent if they loved one more than the other. This caused an internal confusion which advocates feelings of frustration and anger that spilled over throughout their lives. They learned to manipulate.

All we can do is hope that the child recognizes the efforts made from either parent and who has been there for them all these years. But that may take some time as they figure out for themselves what parent extended themselves for their welfare.

Children also learn how to "split" parents as a manipulative and controlling manner in order to empower themselves. My kids would visit their Dad and then come home and tell me all the awful things about him, but they did the same when they visited him about me. I repeatedly told my ex to not allow the kids to do that, but due to his dogmatic personality he gloated on it. And I believe it really screwed up my kids.

I pray that your son will be given the God given wisdom to keep from siding with either parent but learn to love both.

Hugs,
Pearl

Thanks for the replies. No matter what happens, glad I did not go missing because I was blessed to experience my son's growing up years. The laughters and the tears. I'll always have our special relationship of mother and son and I pray that God will mend his relationship with the father who chose to abandon him.

Kim,
And there's the rejection and abandonment these kids feel with their biological parents. Its amazing how so many men to not recognize the damage that is done when they do not include their own.

Sometimes I wonder if the other parent's hostility towards their ex-spouses projects onto the child as well. My ex would not help financially and emotionally. He is still that way!

God can heal all of this mess! Thank God!

Pearl