Coleman is acknowleging that estrangement is not fair. He speaks of unconditional love for the child which is a lot to ask for when you feel hurt and devalued and mistreated. But he also speaks of the need for unconditional love of ourselves. I have done my part is admitting my mistakes now the rest is up to him

Thank you for sharing this!

Thank you for sharing. I appreciate it.

2walktogether - thank you for sharing. My son, who hasn't said a word to us for going on 3 months now, emailed me links to videos about narcissistic personalities, parents mainly. This young woman, Brie, talks on and on and on about her narcissistic mother, her narcissistic mother-in-law, how a normal mother should act. It's freakin hard being on the other end, though. She's too young to have raised a teenage child. To young to have to deal with the pain of trying to support a child that has a learning disorder and keep their fragile self-esteem from being destroyed by the other children at school, too young to know how difficult it can be to teach a very stubborn teenager about responsibilities when "they already know everything." Oh, then there's all the years of propping your kid up through school by going to all the parent/teacher meetings, getting them to "before school study," because they keep falling far behind, then trying to make it to work on time. Then there's the chickenpox when your employer tells you you are only allowed one day off work. Cleaning up all the barf when their sick, your heart breaking to see their heart breaking when a friend they care a lot about has hurt them. My God, this is a tough time, I tell you. Being a parent isn't a walk in the park. It's easy for these young adults to judge and condemn their parents and give advice to others on how to be a "normal" parent, how their parent should have been. Sorry, but I'm a bit ticked right now. MaggieIsabel

maggie he is so lucky to have you as a mother. He is so blind right now to see the love and support he has received from you. You certainly do not fit these definitions It is all about him blaming others.My son also has learning disabilities so I know what it takes to parent them, He has blamed me for ruining his life. I was devastated. Yes I am not perfect. I am a human being who did my best....that is my mistake. My ES has not learned this lesson in his own life yet

i don't go in for this type of pyschology, parental blame for everything. i played the unconditional love and all i got was being used worse than a door mat.

thanks for sharing

I found this interesting, but not sure I agree completely on everything. I have a son who has been in and out of a relationship with me for 3 years. After the first estrangement that just about killed me emotionally, I would have done anything to have him back in my life. When he decided to bounce back in, I did everything in my power to prove my love for him. He took advantage of me to say the least. I kept trying to cope because I didn't want to lose him again, but he left again after not getting his way. My heart was broken again! The third time, I Repeated the unconditional love thing. His demands were even greater this time. I felt like I was walking on eggshells and he had CONTROL of MY life and that isn't a good feeling. After about 6 months of this, I BROKE THE RELATIONSHIP because of the abuse, disrespect. I believe as parents we are to be respected not treated as if we are their hand servants! I am sorry, call me old fashion! I have admitted to my faults and never admitted to be perfect. If both parties are serious in a reconciliation, it should be 50/50 or else, most children will catch on real quick how to make you their eternal slaves. Sad part of it is..... they know your weakness which they use against you. Mine? My granddaughter! If I don't play along with his game, I don't get to see my g.daughter. LIFE IS NOT A GAME OF CHESS !
Don't believe we need to change just because of so called old and new ways of parenting! Bottom line...The Bible has never changed and the scriptures of how to raise a child remains the same throughout history. So why all of a sudden are we to take the blame and keep walking on egg shells? It is about time to get off that roller coaster ride. Unconditional love for a son/ daughter isn't really too hard, but it comes so much easier when they in return show respect and thankfulness for what you do for them. Yes, I love my son , but I couldn't and can't live under his terms only.

Thank you for sharing I have been there and done that.I totally agree that unconditional love does not mean accepting abuse. That's not what we deserve or what God wants. God knows our story. We have done our part and now it is between them and God

GLAMMA I agree with you....I DID THE same thing.....have tried and tried the unconditional love because that is actually what I have for my son.....but he does not care he is too influenced by the DIL

I dont even knowwho my son is anymore,he is lost and cant find his way back,dil has him believing everything she says,its all bout her its sad,i have said my peace,i cant win this war,i am going to try to llet God handle this.I sent a certified letterto my son on Dec 11 dil/or her daughter would not answer door for mailman and they destroyed the paper for my son to pick itup we have been tracking it,so they reschuled itto be delivered today and he signed for it,of alldays,i defended my gs and myself.My dhsaid hold my head high you said thetruth,son supposed to come by to pick gs gifts up at10pm.

Well according to this article I have made every mistake in the book and I I found this seminar by Dr Coleman really thought provoking. I think one thing that really got my attention and I really thought was true is that we all make mistakes in handling estrangement because we think we should be talking about what is fair and true. This has been kind of the missing link for me. I have made this mistake and it has produced very bad results and has gotten us no where. This article really helped me understand why my ed is not at all interested in the truth. Also, why my heartfelt letter meant nothing to her because I gave her apologies but it was never enough or right. Now that I get that, I can stop being so upset over the lies. A lot in the article makes sense to me, in reference to this new generation. I think if I apply some of this to my situation then I can have a better game plan and not be so hurt by it all. Easier sad then done and I am not sure I could hold out long in listening to lies and I am not too sure that I even want a relationship with this person who could be so cruel,but with God's help I can gain some control over my emotions and have a game plan. I am really weary of defending myself and Dr, Coleman gives hope that after a time, I may have an honest relationship with my daughter, so I am going to read this to my husband and discuss it. I have never faced anything like this before and/or could have begun to imagine what was and is going on in the minds of these estranged children. Dr. Coleman has talked to them and has tried to let us into the workings of their minds and I have to admit that I didn't have a clue or like what I saw.. I was surprised but comforted when he said that a lot of what is going on, really has very little to do with us. That is good news to me and also the advice to be gentle and loving with myself! Anyway, thank you so much for posting this, I think parts of it will be very helpful. Since we have zero communication, I really am not sure that my ed and myself or all of her family will ever be reunited, but this is an answer to prayer in trying to understanding this insanity!