Hi Nancy, Sorry to hear this but glad you are back with us. I don't really think your son thinks it is your fault. He is lashing out on anger. I tend to agree with you on not enabling him to live that way and bring you down at the same time. Since you love him you are choosing tough love. It is hard to do but it seems best for both of you.

God bless you as you seek God 's will.

Nancy - I have got to agree with lindjoan's advice. Remember the old saying "you always hurt the one you love the most". Your son knows he can lash out at you because you will love him unconditionally, after all, you are his mother. Don't let him do that again. Your advice to him about going to the hospital was perfect.

Perhaps suggest that the two of you have lunch occasionally or coffee and develop a relationship again, since he seems to think the lack of a relationship with you is the cause of his problems.

He might not want to pray right now but he can't stop you from praying for him.

Hello Nancy. If I felt my son was in crisis mode, I would do what I had to do to help him through the crisis. Apart from that, I agree that tough love is the best medicine right now. If you do it for him now, he will soon be a 30 year old, then 35 year old, then 40 year old still living at home in mom's basement. And what gets me is that even if you help them with free rent, free food, free cash, etc., what makes them think they can just lay around and sleep in all day? If I let them stay with me, I would make them get up when I do, get household chores done, and then go out and volunteer or study, or spend time at the unemployment office actively looking for a job. There is nothing wrong with working at McDonalds when you are living off your mom's free rent as an adult. The church can also use volunteer help every day.

True that many 20 somethings need help. We have a son and wife living in to help them out. As Epic said though there must be a job and no disrespect. That would not really be helping them.

Thank you all for the advice. He tells me all the time that he blames me for everything. He's been doing that for over 10 years. I know him, he will sit/sleep all day. At Christmas, after my husband fixed his car, he quit going over to help my husband at his boy shop, he sat at home & slept & moped. I have always struggled with depression, & I honestly cant take it anymore. He moved back in with us when he was 21 & stayed for 2 years. I cannot go through that again. He told me he thinks Im a loser because I didn't go to college & am stuck in the same little town my whole life. I don't understand WHY he wants to move back in with a mother he cant stand or respect. I have been through hell with him & I pray for him ALL the time. I begged God to help him even though he isn't praying or doing much to help himself. I am going to tell my son IF he moves back, he will be paying rent/doing his own laundry/cooking, etc. I think that will deter him from wanting to move home. I am struggling so hard with this, & have been praying fervently, so please pray for my son & I. Thank you!

gordos4 - I can almost guarantee that if you tell him he has to pay rent, etc. if he moves back in, he will say yes and after a day or so, go back to his sleeping all day. If you are giving him those stipulations, I would make sure the first stipulation would be no verbal abuse to you or our DH. The minute he opens his mouth abusive, out the door he would go.

Prayers for you as you make decisions in the next few days.

Thank you Norske1 I need all the prayers I can get. This is one of the toughest things Ive ever done. Is it just me or does it make any sense that he wants to move home? I think that since he has moved home before, & we never charged rent, he thinks it will be like a vacation. He told me a few minutes ago in a text that if I don't let him move back home, & if anything happens to him, it's on my head. Talk about a guilt trip. My other son says "mom, if he were going to kill himself, he would've done it by now, he's just trying to manipulate you". I am beginning to think that's the truth.

I agree with your other son that if he was going to do something, he would have done it. However, one never knows for sure.

You could prepare a "rental agreement" of sorts. List 1) rent per month, 2) whatever house duties you expect him to do, 3) absolutely NO verbal abuse, and 4) if he doesn't meet those conditions, he will have to leave immediately. That way, after you read them aloud to him and ask him if he understands, and you both sign the paper, should you have to ask him to leave, your conscience will be good.

I agree with the other son, too. IMO he will not change overnight into a different person. And, if you do the same thing and expect different results? You know the answer. Right now he is trying to panic you into a decision thinking you will cave. I would tell him a date for your answer and not before that. At least that way he will stop pressuring you and may even find somewhere else to go on his own. Remember he is an adult and these are his responsibilities and no longer yours. Prayers for some wisdom for you to decide.

In my state, if you let your son move in & he doesn't abide by your rules, do you know you have to go to court to have him removed. In my state, even not paying rent, as long as he lives in your house ~ he has tenants rights.

Please think real hard on this subject, please put yourself first, and no matter what he says, you did nothing wrong, he's acting like a 5 year old, throwing a temper tantrum (guilt trip), by not getting his way.

Why she left him? is not because of you, it was him.

And as for "thanking God" ~ he has a little girl to think of, to take care of ~ it's not about him anymore. He should be thanking God for his blessed little girl.

You are not horrible or heartless, you of all people knows what he will pull once he walks in the door ~ and the stress will be back in your life.

Food for thought, he can join the army, navy, etc., there are soup kitchens, and shelters ~~~~

Or do what I told my son, he could live under the bridge.

P.S. He decided to join the Army. Do what you want to do & please don't let anyone force or put a guilt trip on you. Hugs,

agreements for help around th house, rent, and steer him in a positive direction of meetups , self help groups. no way assume the position to be his whippin post, hes a big boy now. Hes big enough to carry his responsibilies for his life,, huggs

Thank you for your advice. I want to clear something I may have mis-stated. The little girl is not his, she was his girlfriends daughter. He was very attached to her.
He just sent me another text & said "I am done praying, you pray all you want. You are not healthy yourself & cant help me, see how much good praying did you". It broke my heart. I raised my 4 sons to be Christians, I thought I did everything right as far as that goes. Obviously not. He is trying to guilt me into letting him move home. @dailystrength, its funny you should mention that, my other son told me that exact thing this morning.
He cannot join the army, navy, etc,,because of his history of depression, I have prayed so hard today I am weary. I hope God forgives me for not letting him move in again.

Hi there gordos! Glad to hear from you again but wish it could have been on a brighter note for you. I think you have gotten some great advice here today and I agree with their suggestions about returning home. It sounds like he is gotten really good at the "Adam and Eve" game of pointing the finger at others rather than accepting responsibility for their own actions. Remember, when he points the finger at others, he has 3 point back at himself!

As I see it, and correct me if my assumptions are wrong, but if he lives across the state then he must have a job and an apartment. Therefore, he is not homeless and not unable to take care of himself. My only other suggestion is to tell him to stay where he is and that if he gets some CHRISTIAN counseling then you will pay for that. (IF you have the funds to do so.) That way you ARE helping him in the way he really seems to need it even though he may not want it.

I would also suggest that he is free to come and visit once a month if he has the time to do so. You could also volunteer to visit him more often if you are able to do so too. Perhaps even your other son could visit him occasionally. That way he would feel that there are people who care about him and will be there to support him until he is through this time of sadness over the loss of his GF.

Hi there gordos! Glad to hear from you again but wish it could have been on a brighter note for you. I think you have gotten some great advice and I agree with their suggestions about not returning home. It sounds like he has gotten really good at the "Adam and Eve" game of pointing the finger at others rather than accepting responsibility for his own actions. Remember, when he points the finger at others, he has 3 pointing back at himself! Reassure him that he is not the only one who has had to live with broken relationships. Others get over it and so can he and that he should use it as a learning experience for the next potential relationship.

As I see it, and correct me if my assumptions are wrong, if he lives across the state and had a GF and her daughter living with him, then he must have had a job and an apartment. Therefore, he is not homeless and not unable to take care of himself. My only other suggestion is to tell him to stay where he is and that if he gets some CHRISTIAN counseling then you will pay for that. (IF you have the funds to do so.) That way you ARE helping him in the way he really seems to need it even though he may not want it.

I would also suggest that he is free to come and visit once a month if he has the time to do so. You could also volunteer to visit him more often if you are able to. Perhaps even your other son could visit him occasionally. That way he would feel that there are people who care about him and will be there to support him until he is through this time of sadness over the loss of his GF.

Please keep in touch and know that we are here for you - and for him.

GuelsMom has some great advice. Really good advice.

Reading that your son said he isn't going to pray anymore - that is so typical of an "adult-in-training" as I like to call our 20-30 somethings. I remember myself at that age. I thought that if I prayed asking God for something he should automatically give it to me and immediately. We live in an "instant" world, wanting everything right now. Patience is something we learn as we age and grow in the Word.

He told you to pray if you want to - God heard that and will be waiting for those prayers. We are sending up prayers for your son and all of our EC, just flooding heaven with prayers for our EC.