I'm so sorry for your tears again, but especially today! You were caught off guard when your ES rang to speak to his grandmother regarding her birthday, but you handled the call to the best of your ability. We all carry our emotions on our sleeves because of our estrangement relationships and many of us leak tears over anything at a drop of a hat anyway. No doubt afterward you wanted to leave to go and have a good cry, but you camouflaged your feelings, pulled yourself together and remained to help celebrate your mom's birthday. I'm sure it was difficult keeping focused at the party with your mind drifting to what had just occurred, but with God's help and grace, you proved strong despite the upset. You hung in there and I applaud you! We can never predict what will happen with any of our ECs or how we'll react when it does happen because we are human and have tender feelings. With God's help however, we do our best to cope when they arise. Sometimes walking away to another room (bathroom) from the scene of people is best, so you can collect yourself emotionally, get a drink of water, take some deep breaths, and then return back to the room of company despite what is still lingering in your mind. There are no easy pat answers. I am one who cannot mask my feelings. It easily appears on my face and I cannot hide it. It tells all! When I get in these positions, I need to escape for a few minutes so I can have an emotional melt-down in privacy since no one can relate or understand while they hurriedly try to brush off the situation and get on with something else. We need these escape times, so take them when forced to in order to cope and stay intact. There's nothing wrong with walking out and taking care of yourself for once!

unbelievable.....I'm truly sorry that you had to experience another heartbreaking mini-trauma from you ES, especially at a family event where you were enjoying yourself. Okay, forgive me but I'm going to get mad FOR YOU and say that was most rude of him to brush his own mom off in such a cold manner!!! We we used to say in the south...."That boy needs to be taken to the woodshed!!!"" Okay, I got that off my chest. Now I have to calm down and go get some coffee......

Whew!! Coffee does wonders for me! Now I can continue. These types of "tornados" as I call them are bound to happen once in a while. They enter into our lives just as quickly as a tornado does and leaves just as quickly. Then we are left standing with all the after effect surrounding us - the disaster of having begun to move on only to have the mini-disaster destroy our momentum and wreck havoc with our emotions. The whirlwind that just popped in and popped out doesn't have any sympathy for the disaster left in its wake.

What now? You're left to clean up the mess. How? Acknowledge that it was rude, callous and ignorant for him to have treated you that way. Then, give it some time to get over it. Be willing to let go of the anger and unfairness of his behavior. Give it to God and pray that he learns something from this event. Realizing that it probably took him by surprise too can help to understand why he may not have known what to say as he was probably expecting his aunt to answer the phone.

I would ask God to use this as an opportunity to cause him to think about how he is treating you and to please soften his heart so that this may one day be resolved in a peaceful manner.

Then, just as A-O said above, get busy and do things to take your mind off of it. For me, when these types of things happen, my house ends up sparkling! God can bring good out of these things! LOL

Hang in there with us! We're here for you hon! Try to have a good day today. Don't let him own this day - it is yours to enjoy!

unbelieveable....Just a little something to share with you to encourage you to have a good day for yourself...

POEM: Let Go

To 'let go' does not mean to stop caring;
it means I can't do it for someone else.

To 'let go' is not to cut myself off;
it is the realization that I can not control another.

To 'let go' is not to fix;
but to be supportive of myself

To 'let go' is not to be in the middle
arranging all the outcomes;
but to allow others to effect their destinies.

To 'let go' is not to be protective;
it is to permit another to face reality.

To 'let go' is not to regret the past;
but to grow and live for the future.

To 'let go' is to fear less and love more.

~~ Author Unknown ~~

unbelievable..so sorry you had to be the one to answer the phone call. Well, I'm impressed that you have sisters and a mother who include you in family gatherings and birthday events. My case is even more difficult because I have sisters and a mother who wouldn't even invite me to our own mother's birthday...this has happened to me. I'm not only estranged from my oldest son..but my entire family of origin.
At least you seem to have their support and they haven't cut you off, like mine have.
I don't know why, but for reasons only God knows, my sisters and mother have encouraged my oldest son to be totally estranged from me. These sisters and my own mother have also been excluding my other two adult children to these family events..which puzzles me beyond words. My youngest two adult children are still connecting with me, and show me great love and respect. I don't know how my sisters and mother can be so cruel to them..it's one thing for them to treat me poorly, but also to reject my youngest two children is beyond my understanding...this pains me like nothing else.

I suppose it's because I am still close to my youngest two, that my sisters and mother continue to shun them as well??? Your story about being at your mother's birthday event has stirred up some feelings of rejection in me again..but it's my problem..so, all I can say is at least you still seem to have support from your sisters and mother?? I could only pray for mine...they aren't Christians and are very hostile towards my faith, and this is the primary reason that I've been treated so poorly by them.

Carolina..thanks so much for that poem..to "let go"..it's what God is helping me with.
My estrangement included so many other primary relationships in my life..it also explains why my oldest son continues to shun me...he is being encouraged by his aunts and his grandmother.

Only the Lord can fix these broken relationships for me. I am learning slowly, to leave this heartache in God's hands,,,it's made me run to HIM for all that's in me...He certainly has not abandoned me, even if others have.
You held your own, and handled the call quite well...I applaud you also, since you didn't cause a scene at your Mom's party..but you responded with grace..how beautiful!
Please pray for my unloving sisters and my mother (who's going along with my sister's mean spirited ways.).I need to forgive them, and I'm still learning to do that...thanks for your prayers.
In Jesus,
Maddie

Thank you all for the kind words - it really helped. Abandonedone - Thank you for the advice - I hope that I remember it the next time the situation arises - and it will. I'm such a crier anymore - ridiculous that it just comes over me. Maddie - I am truly sorry that you are experiencing these estrangement issues with your mom and sisters in addition to your EC. Prayers have been said for you. Carolina I love the poem - thank you so much. Guelsmom - our ES used to be so kind and not who he is now but I believe he is being told what to be and how to be it by his controlling wife - don't get me wrong he is responsible for his own actions but she has demonstrated such bullying/sociopathic behavior and this is something that wasn't a dynamic in our family. When I've been around her I've told him I'm scared of her and I don't know how to react - he said and you think I do? But again - his choice to stay. Well I'm going to have an amazing day today. Therapy and shopping. Hope you all have a blessed day - this is a day that God made for us to enjoy!

unbelieveable........"I've told him I'm scared of her and I don't know how to react - he said and you think I do?"...He actually said that about his own wife???? Oh, my goodness!

GuelsMom - During a conversation with him - I told him I don't know how to deal (talk, be around) with her she scares me as I've never come across someone like her and he said you think I do? She has had a lot of power over us with our GD (when can we see her, when will the other shoe drop). I think emotional abuse is just as bad as physical abuse. He constantly has to prove to her that she is number one. He is so afraid to stick up for himself and what he needs (it has come to a point where he lies) - I think this is part of what we believe is emotional abuse. We pray for them all.

It first struck me that your ES called his grandmother on her birthday. That is a good thing. Our ED who has always said she loved her grandmother (my 92 year old mother) walked out of her life 16 months ago along with all other extended family.

You were taken off guard by the call and the good Lord helped you to handle it with grace. I wonder if it did not cause your ES to miss you and miss being at these special events. God willing one day it will.

lindajoan - thank you for the kind words. Our ES (our only child) has always been a huge part of our entire family. We have always loved and cared for one another until he got married. At that point in time the whole dynamics of our family changed - as my sister told me last night when I wanted to leave - isn't that how you raised him to always call our mom on her birthday. He does know the correct way to treat people as he was raised in a kind and loving family. He's just lost his way and hoping he will find his way home again. I pray that your ED will find her way home again too. It's funny you use the word Grace as that is my GD middle name.

Unbelieveable My heart goes out to you dear heart. Ia'm sure you had a hard time dealing with that experience, I know I would have. What a shame it makes me want to scream.. what on earth is wrong with our children. It just seems to be a kind of madness. Our children need help in the worst way as the thing's i'am seeing is far from natural. Pray for your son and God will do the rest. You have my prayers and i'm sure the prayers of everyone here. Stay strong darling! Jesus said he mends the broken hearted I believe that with all my heart.
Hugs Rachel

Unbelieveable we have so much in common. I have one child, a son who is estranged and a GD with the middle name Grace. :) And during our estrangement our son has also maintained contact with his grandparents.

I don't look at your reaction to your son's phone call as a step backward. I think it shows you are growing. Yes, tears came to your eyes and you felt upset; but you handled the incident with grace (like lindajoan said) and self control. Would you have been able to do that before? Hearing your son's voice must have been so precious. And although you heard sadness in his voice, you know he is ok and that God is working on him. He said hi mom and didn't lash out at you.

Give yourself a break, I think you are doing really well. You got upset because you love and miss your son. Baby steps.

Forgottenmom: I do love and miss my son and GD. Never in a million years would I have imagined that this sort of thing happens. Thank you all for your words of wisdom and support.

Unbelievable,
I sometimes have my personal moments when I break down and cry regarding missing my dear mother who is now in Heaven as well as my ED and three granddaughters. When it happens, I stop and pray and ask God's Holy Spirit to come and minister to me, to give me a calm and peace and help me dry up my tears so I won't become an emotional wreck and feel worse. And you know what? Within five minutes or less God has come and aided my broken heart and I was able to collect my emotions and move on to something else. He can also do it for you and the rest of our friends on here. I urge you to try it and see. It truly works!

abandonedorphan - thank you!