CHRISTIAN PARENTS of ESTRANGED ADULT CHILDREN Community Group
Estrangement makes it difficult to talk about with family, friends, neighbors and church members. Christians are NOT immune to broken families. Talk about your experiences with those who know how you feel and get positive support through your Christian faith...."In these last days difficult times will come, for men will be lovers of self...disobedient to parents,...
On my husbands advice, I sent my ES a Christmas gift of money with a note inside, not alot of money though. I explained that I was again sorry for anything I did to hurt him. I reminded him that he needs to forgive me for whatever transgressions I made, for his own well-being. Told him I loved him & would always be here for him. I havent heard a word (not like I expected to), but was HOPING...I guess we all hope, right? My husband said if I didnt give him the same gift as weI did the rest of our children, it would give our ES more ammo. Does anyone agree/disagree? Thoughts? Some will probably think Im lame, but I had to try.
From a spiritual/theological perspective, God does not judge our words and actions so much as He judges the intentions in our heart. From the sounds of it, either decision would have been carried with the best of intentions, that is of wanting to respect your EC. So if your intention is good, God will honor your decision either way.
From the perspective of not aggravating the situation with your ES, only your ES knows what he is thinking and how he would have interpreted either course of action. However, I think it is fair to assume that the issues that caused estrangement, regardless of who is at fault, probably go much deeper than whether you decide to send a Christmas card and/or gift.
IF you decide to give money in the future, one suggestion might be to keep the gift and estrangement two separate issues. That is, send a card with a check for b-day or Christmas, containing only a simple message of "Merry Christmas" or "Happy Birthday". Then either a few weeks before or a few weeks later send a letter asking forgiveness, stating you love him and wish to sort out the issues, etc. This way your ES is less likely to conflate the two issues.
That being said,what is important in my opinion is not so much the money or the amount, but how it is given. Any conditions attached should be upfront, or it is not a gift. Moreover, a child should be free to refuse the gift and not feel guilty, especially if the gift was not solicited. Most importantly, however, it should never be used by one set of inlaws (or in the case of divorce, parent) to try and leverage control or power or love over the other set of inlaws (or parent).