CHRISTIAN PARENTS of ESTRANGED ADULT CHILDREN Community Group
Estrangement makes it difficult to talk about with family, friends, neighbors and church members. Christians are NOT immune to broken families. Talk about your experiences with those who know how you feel and get positive support through your Christian faith...."In these last days difficult times will come, for men will be lovers of self...disobedient to parents,...
For those of you that saw my 2 previous posts on this, sorry & here it is correctly, third times a charm!
My 2nd oldest son (the one that is using my grandson as a ply/blackmail), works at a convenience store. It is a small town, so I see him pretty regularly. I have to mention first that I hurt my back last weekend, have a pinched nerve, very slow to heal this time...I walked in to the convenience store very slowly. One of his co-workers asked me what was wrong. I told her "my back just hurts". My son pipes up & says "I know about back pain, I must have inherited it from you mom, thanks alot. If my back didnt hurt so bad, maybe I could get a better job". He told me it was MY fault he has a bad back! He didnt say "oh mom, im sorry your back hurts", or "hope you feel better mom". NO, it was how much worse he has it & I can tell he believes its all my fault. I am SO close to just letting him have it, telling him other people have it much worse, & to QUIT feeling so damn sorry for himself. I know what the consequences would be...I wouldnt see my grandson anymore. The ironic thing is, I put my back out picking up my grandson off the floor. All my son could tell me was that "stuff happens."
My 2nd oldest son (the one that is using my grandson as a ply/blackmail), works at a convenience store. It is a small town, so I see him pretty regularly. I have to mention first that I hurt my back last weekend, have a pinched nerve, very slow to heal this time...I walked in to the convenience store very slowly. One of his co-workers asked me what was wrong. I told her "my back just hurts". My son pipes up & says "I know about back pain, I must have inherited it from you mom, thanks alot. If my back didnt hurt so bad, maybe I could get a better job". He told me it was MY fault he has a bad back! He didnt say "oh mom, im sorry your back hurts", or "hope you feel better mom". NO, it was how much worse he has it & I can tell he believes its all my fault. I am SO close to just letting him have it, telling him other people have it much worse, & to QUIT feeling so damn sorry for himself. I know what the consequences would be...I wouldnt see my grandson anymore. The ironic thing is, I put my back out picking up my grandson off the floor. All my son could tell me was that "stuff happens."
First, I'm really sorry about your back. I have back problems 4/7 too.
As far as your son's insensitivity goes, I'm not surprised at it are you really? All you can do is shrug it off and let it go if you want to keep seeing your GK. It isn't an abusive relationship - it's typical self-centeredness of this generation. Perhaps you might find ways to send it back in a humorous way like saying; "Hmmm, sounds to me like it is that same finger game that Adam and Eve played way back in the Garden of Eden. Eve blamed the serpent and then Adam blamed Eve. Hellllo, Adam!"
I was wondering if anyone else has the feeling that our Estranged children like to play "woe is me" in our presence, just to get sympathy or to try to get us to give them something? I have heard tons of people say "your son has the best personality & is such a nice guy". The minute I walk in the room, his whole demeanor changes & all of a sudden he is depressed & wanting to whine...Im getting tired of that one also...
I don't know enough about your situation yet to know if it is really verbal abuse or just plain ignorance and rudeness. It does sound like it is repetitious as well as intended to demoralize you. How long you intend to take it is totally up to you. You know the risks. If and when you decide not to take it anymore then be prepared for a long-haul estrangement.
I think that he is angry at himself as well because he feels caught between a rock and a hard place. He obviously HAS to depend on his mother to take care of his son because he can't (I assume) afford to hire someone. That makes him feel inadequate.
The question I have for you are -
~ How long has he been talking to you like this?
~ What was he like before he became a father?
~ What about the mother? Where is she?
Lastly, you could also use the old....Sticks and stone may break my bones, but words will never hurt me. Saying with a smile and then walking away will also send the message that you are not absorbing it any longer. Essentially what you are doing is setting a boundary that simply says "I'm ignoring your disrespectful behavior by sending it back to you." It's not a tit-for-tat thing. That is not the Christian way to do it. The Golden Rule is not..."Do to others what they do to you." The Golden Rule is..."Treat others the way that you would like to be treated."
He has been talking to me like this for about 10 years, a couple of years after he moved back with his dad. I know they were bad-mouthing me. My grandsons mother is a different story, she is really sweet & I get along great with her. She is a great mommy! Since my back is hurt this weekend & I cant babysit, I believe that is what is making him mad..but I have to take care of myself to. He knows how sensitive I am, & he takes full advantage of that fact. I am just growing weary.....
IF he is the one that brings something up for the purpose of ridiculing you, you can simply say..."You only have a 50/50 chance of being right. If the atheistic view is right, then when I die, that is it - no life after death. However, if you are wrong and there is a heaven and a hell - where does that put you?" Then drop it. Let it sink in.