CHRISTIAN PARENTS of ESTRANGED ADULT CHILDREN Community Group
Estrangement makes it difficult to talk about with family, friends, neighbors and church members. Christians are NOT immune to broken families. Talk about your experiences with those who know how you feel and get positive support through your Christian faith...."In these last days difficult times will come, for men will be lovers of self...disobedient to parents,...
Hello and thanks to everyone for the encouragement of this site! It is so helpful to not feel so alone.... I wondered if anyone else has had this experience: I told myself that even though my younger son is not speaking to me and won't answer emails, texts, calls, etc., that I would send a birthday gift for my granddaughter, who will be 2 next week. I sent an email first, asking for gift ideas (since they live in SAn Francisco and I live in Atlanta), sizes, etc. I did not got a response, but decided that I would do what seemed the kindest thing, and what I would do if we were speaking: I sent some books a few weeks ago, and I sent a card and a fun book called "Tickle MOnster" (fleecy gloves to put on while reading a cute book). No response to any of it, even though I emailed and sent the link about the delivery (hard to know if maybe someone else picked up the package from their doorstep, and they never received it.). No response or acknowledgment.... I keep telling myself I am going to conduct myself in a kind way, doing what I would do regardless of their behavior, but I find that even though I tell myself not to expect a response, I am crushed, and very sad for the first couple of days after these communications (or lack thereof). It is hard to sleep, and I feel crushed with grief.... Then, after a few days, I recover a little and can move through the days without the crushing grief. I am so thankful that we have recently found a church (we had been looking for a long time), and even though I have loved my summer break from my school nurse job, the days give too much opportunity to think, and going back to work in a couple of weeks will probably be good for my head!
How do others handle these kinds of things? Maybe it would just be easier to not send gifts, or to send emails or cards that are unanswered....???
How do others handle these kinds of things? Maybe it would just be easier to not send gifts, or to send emails or cards that are unanswered....???
Gosh annabelle I have felt and done the same as you with gifts but with no response also. For me and my DH the greatest joy we have is giving. We only have one son and when he got married to a girl that had an adorable 2 year old son from a previous marriage, we got such a thrill out of buying token little gifts for our new adopted grandson, that I would pick up and put in a box for the next time that we visited them. (They live about 700 miles from us now- 500 at the time). Anyway, we were on good terms at the time and so we would bring the box down with us and as soon as he saw us he would get SO excited as soon as he saw me walking up the sidewalk with that box.
After, we found out they were expecting our first grandchild from our son, we immediately told them that WHATEVER they needed, let us know. We bought a stroller for two and sent $250 for things she might need. When the baby was born, we spent another $250 for clothing as well as presents for her son so he would not feel left out. Five days after our granddaughter was born, we were sent packing our bags after a horrible phone call from our DIL over things that were so misconstrued that they did not resemble the original in any form. We drove the 500 miles back home in a daze - so totally numb from the false accusations that I don't even remember most of the drive.
After we got home, we were told not to bother sending any more gifts because they did not want any "reminders" of us around the home. They did not want her son to see things we had bought for him so that it would not cause him to ask about us. (Because of that, I suspect that the things we bought for our new GD had been tossed too).
Once we had returned there to go to counseling that went well for us but not for her. We were to return for another session. We were excited that this was finally going to end. We were SO excited that we once again bought many things for our GD who was two by then and for her son. We brought down with us a dresser for our GD that she needed also. When we got there, she decided she would not go to the session because she found it "stressful." Yes, she found it stressful because she had been shown that she was in serious error on the things that had been discussed thus far. She could not deal with more of her "errors" coming to light so she backed out and we were sent back home with the dresser and all the gifts we bought for the kids. And that is the way it remains today. So, I know how your are feeling because my heart is saddened just writing this down again.
Anyway, now what we do is we go shopping and buy things at yard sales and keep them until Christmas time and donate them to the Toys For Tots charity program. It is a good/sad feeling but at least I get to share with those who do appreciate it and need it.
I hope this helps. We are here for you my friend through this. Hugs.
In your case, I think it is good to follow your heart. You enjoy giving and have looked at it from the point of view of how you would like to be treated and are trying to do the kind thing. If you enjoy giving and have not been told not to do so yet, then by all means take the high road and be who your are - which is a very kindhearted person.
As far as the emotions that follow the lack of response goes, for me that is also a toughie. I have sent birthday cards to my ES with no response. There have been other occasions, where I had spent one day with our son due to his Dad's major surgery 19 months ago where that day was a wonderful time with him but after he went back home, it was a different matter again. Because that day had gone so well, my DH and I both got our expectations up again only to have them smashed to smiterines afterwards. It hurt, and it still hurts to write about it. I think it is only human to feel those feelings of disappointment. Think of it this way, would you prefer to be the kind of person who felt nothing if there were no response? No, I don't think so. To me it is a good sign that you care. If you did not care, you would not feel disappointment. That disappointment is a sign of possessing the emotion of LOVE. I would rather feel the emotion of disappointment than not feel anything at all.
God Bless