CHRISTIAN PARENTS of ESTRANGED ADULT CHILDREN Community Group
Estrangement makes it difficult to talk about with family, friends, neighbors and church members. Christians are NOT immune to broken families. Talk about your experiences with those who know how you feel and get positive support through your Christian faith...."In these last days difficult times will come, for men will be lovers of self...disobedient to parents,...
I would appreciate some Christian thoughts and wisdom concerning how to react. Our 21 year old ED has lied and accused us of things that my husband and I have never done to her. She has spread the "fantasy" report through writing and verbally in the last 7 months since she has been estranged, from us, to anyone who will listen. Actually,libel and slander are illegal. Has anyone ever had to tell their Estranged adult child to "cease" this kind of behavior, in any way? How should Christian parents handle it? Also, has anyone ever had to speak up to others and let them know that such lies are not true? Should we try to protect our reputations? Speak up, react, or stay silent? Thank you, Christian sisters.
Author: John Eckhardt
p.97 April 2, devotional page
SATAN IS A LIAR AND THE FATHER OF LIES
"Don't allow the enemy to strategize against you. Overcome and destroy his strategiies through prayer. The main tactic of the enemy is deception. He is a liar and the father of lies.
My Word will expose his tactics to you. I am light, and My word is light. The light exposes the enemy and tears away the darkness. Beware of the hosts of lying and deceiving spirits that work under the authority of Satan. These spirits cause delusion, deception, lying, seducing, blinding, error, and guile. Call upon My name, and I will strip away the power from these deceiving spirits and will cause your eyes to be opened. Pray that your enemies will be scattered, confused, exposed, and destroyed.
JOHN 8: 44-47; 1 TIMOTHY 4:1; PSALM 68:1
Prayer Declaration:
The Lord has rescued me from all my enemies and from the lying and deceiving spirits that belong to the devil. My enemies are destroyed by my God. The Lord will lead me on level ground and will preserve my life. In His righteousness He has brought me out of trouble. With his unfailing love He has silenced my enemies and destroyed all my foes. In His power I will contend with the powers of darkness that are set against the kingdom of God.
Dear lindajoan: All I do to defend against my ES' and DIL's lies...I pray these verses, and let God defend me.
We volunteer a lot with our sons sports, so keeping our good reputation is important to us.
I think it would depend on the situation and the extent of the lie. I've heard horror stories of some parents being falsely accused of terrible things, actually having to go to prison, losing their jobs, homes...etc.
linda....When it comes down to a "he said/she said" thing where it is impossible to show any proof of who is right or who is wrong then, in most cases it is an exercise in futility to try and stem the tide and plug up the dam.
I have been on the receiving end of lies from family, neighbors and yes, even church "friends" at some point in my life just as most people, Christian or otherwise have been and the feelings of powerlessness is overwhelming when it happens.
I am all for trying to untie falsehoods when it is possible to do so because they put the Christian in a very poor light to the unsaved if left unresolved. People quite often take silence as a declaration of guilt. Prayer is essential but so is action if possible and if it is done according to scripture.
Mt. 18 says; "If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother...."
From this, we are supposed to go to the person who is, in this case lying about us, and confront in a Godly manner, the person. This allows them the ability to keep it from growing and shaming the person unnecessarily.
Then it goes on to say..."But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every word may be confirmed by the evidence of two or three witnesses."
This is what Christian mediatorship is based on in many Christian counseling centers. The "witnesses" should be unbiased and willing to listen to both sides.
I think what Ann did is basically this. If it is possible to do this then it is certainly worth the effort for both sides. If attempting to do something in a Christian manner gets things resolved, then all parties benefit. But, it is important to go wanting resolution - not for the purpose of shaming or revenge. It should be that God becomes glorified.
Just my opinion.
GuelsMom- It has been such heartache to us knowing that although we were not perfect parents we were certainly not guilty of her alleged abuse and treatment charges. We would absolutely go in a Christian manner if we were given the opportuntiy which has been denied. Do you believe we should allow this behavior to continue without taking action? Our Christian reputation is extremely important to us but we do not want to cause further harm. God bless you.
~ Do you believe we should allow this behavior to continue without taking action? ......What kind of action are you talking about? Legal action?
One thought is kind of interesting. Our country's Declaration of Independence and judicial system is based on the Laws of God. We are supposed to be "...one nation under God." Although the judge on the bench may not be a Christian, he is called to base his decision in a dispute on the Laws of God that are in place. Therefore, is it wrong for two Christians to take a serious dispute before the courts?
But, this is not the case in your situation, nor is it mine as well. Our estrangement is also based on lies as told by our DIL. Our character and image as a Christian was also destroyed as a result. We lost our son, our grandchildren and the friendship of her parents all because of one word that we never used - deliberately. That one word was used to change the entire picture of perfectly normal events that had occurred at the time our estrangement began and it is in writing as well. But, her mind is set. To her, we said it and she will listen to no defense from ourselves. We have tried, but only through our son. She will not communicate to us or listen to what we have to say.
I no longer believe that this is the real reason our estrangement has continued for as long as it has. She has built her life as she wants it to be. She "allows" only certain people into her busy and very, very controlled life. To her, she simply does not want to be bothered with making time to see us when we (used) to visit twice a year via camper. Since we were an inconvenience to her, this give her "justifiable" reason not to become inconvenienced again by dealing with this in a Christian manner.
Sorry if I got off on myself here but I do have to admit that I did think of a slander suit also upon occasion.
Anyway, I am all for either sending a letter or have a lawyer send a letter also - or even both. My first thought would be the letter of unconditional love. We did that too. That was about 9 months ago. But, it was to our son. We let him know that we love him and always will until the day we die - no matter what! But, we also told him that from now on we will not tolerate the way that we have allowed them to treat us since this estrangement began and that if they wanted a relationship with us, their behavior had to change. No longer is this relationship going to be entirely on their terms. We will see each other as human beings that are entitled to respect or nothing. We go out into the world and we have to expect that the world is going to reject and revile us. But God created the family to love, support, encourage and to respect each other because it is supposed to be a reflection of the "church." It is supposed to be a haven of peace - not a battleground of wills nor an arena for inflicting pain upon each other.
Please keep us posted and let us know how it goes. I have heard where positive results do come from letters written in love even though ours did not produce positive results - yet. It is in God's hands and we feel we have done our part to bring about peace in this family.
I leave you with this...."If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone." Romans 12:18 NIV
That does not necessarily mean that we sit back and do nothing - as long as our behavior is in accordance with scripture, and it does sound like you have that as your foundation.
God Bless
I have to admit that I resorted to "blackmail" once to get my ED to retract a lie about me she had posted on FB. Once, she left home for just 1 night and posted to everyone that I had "kicked" her out, which was not the case. So I told her that if she was going to lie publicly about me, I might just recall some actual "truths" about her and post them on FB. Within an hour or so, my ED posted a full retraction of the lie on FB. While that was not the Christian way for me to handle it, it did get results! However, she has since just learned to be sneakier with her lies and I have since just come to accept that she lies. It is in God's hands to set things right. People who know me can distinguish lies from truth. I am a very open person and probably tell enough of my faults to everyone as it is! Good luck, Lindajoan, however you decide to handle it. Personally, I'm not big on lawyers right now, but they do serve their purpose. I would think that a cease and desist letter might have the opposite effect - your ED might feel she needs to beef up the lies and convince everyone they are true so that she feels (falsely) protected from the legal threat. But who can predict how EC will react and feel. Most of us were blindsided by the estrangements in the first place. God bless.
OverandOut, Thank you for confirming something I was thinking about,also. I think legal talk could have the opposite effect on our ED and her enablers. We are not looking to enter a court case. Any legal letter could provoke another. Possibly, a letter written in peace would accomplish more at least in my own spirit if nothing else. Glad your "blackmail" worked. I think you were given a smart idea by God. God Bless.