CHRISTIAN PARENTS of ESTRANGED ADULT CHILDREN Community Group
Estrangement makes it difficult to talk about with family, friends, neighbors and church members. Christians are NOT immune to broken families. Talk about your experiences with those who know how you feel and get positive support through your Christian faith...."In these last days difficult times will come, for men will be lovers of self...disobedient to parents,...
Ok, here goes, and I will keep this as brief as possible, but I so need some input on this situation.
When I was born, my biological mother game me to my grandmother shortly after birth. My GM raised me, loved me, cared for me, clothed me, and was my mother to me. I really only rarely saw my bio mother, and really did not like her. In my early teens my bio mother came to reclaim me. I was horrified because I didn't know her or like her, and my GM was heartbroken. Nevertheless, I had to go and live with my bio mother and her husband and my step siblings (a bother and a sister), BTW, I never knew my bio dad, never met him, saw one pic of him to this day. Anyway, my bio mother and I did not get along. She was all about status, and I had come from the country, and was all about being who I was. I did not respect her, and I know that. I was not mean to her, I just did not show her respect that I guess I should have shown. We had many, many problems. During these years, I kept in touch with my GM as much as was allowed, and at 16 ran away from my mother's and went back to my GMs. I just could not take it anymore, and my bio mother left me alone pretty much after that.
When my grandmother got older, and became ill, I moved her very close to my home and attended to her daily, even though I had two small children. I cooked special meals, saw about her, and loved her so much. She was the mother that took care of me; I could not change my feelings. So basically, I did not do anything much for my mother, who was very jealous of my relationship with my GM, but I could not help that.
Anyway, my question. My GM raised me in church, and taught me about God from the time I can first remember. I know that we are supposed to honor our parents, as we are commanded. I did honor my GM who was the mother I knew. I have wondered so much if my lack of honor of my biological mother could be why my two daughters do not honor me and hurt me so much. They are estranged from me, the youngest has pretty much written me out of her life, no matter what I do. I have allowed them to abuse me emotionally for many many years, and have only recently decided to try to take my dignity and self respect back by leaving them alone. The question still haunts me however.
Also I raised my daughters in church from the time they were very small, and they were taught about God. I have reached out so many times trying to reconnect with them, and they really cannot give me any concrete reasons why they have cut me out of their lives. Could my lack of respect and honor for my bio mother be why my own children treat me as they do?
Sorry this is so long, but I need this answered very badly. I have prayed and prayed for an answer, but it does not seem to come to me. Please share your feelings. Thank you.
When I was born, my biological mother game me to my grandmother shortly after birth. My GM raised me, loved me, cared for me, clothed me, and was my mother to me. I really only rarely saw my bio mother, and really did not like her. In my early teens my bio mother came to reclaim me. I was horrified because I didn't know her or like her, and my GM was heartbroken. Nevertheless, I had to go and live with my bio mother and her husband and my step siblings (a bother and a sister), BTW, I never knew my bio dad, never met him, saw one pic of him to this day. Anyway, my bio mother and I did not get along. She was all about status, and I had come from the country, and was all about being who I was. I did not respect her, and I know that. I was not mean to her, I just did not show her respect that I guess I should have shown. We had many, many problems. During these years, I kept in touch with my GM as much as was allowed, and at 16 ran away from my mother's and went back to my GMs. I just could not take it anymore, and my bio mother left me alone pretty much after that.
When my grandmother got older, and became ill, I moved her very close to my home and attended to her daily, even though I had two small children. I cooked special meals, saw about her, and loved her so much. She was the mother that took care of me; I could not change my feelings. So basically, I did not do anything much for my mother, who was very jealous of my relationship with my GM, but I could not help that.
Anyway, my question. My GM raised me in church, and taught me about God from the time I can first remember. I know that we are supposed to honor our parents, as we are commanded. I did honor my GM who was the mother I knew. I have wondered so much if my lack of honor of my biological mother could be why my two daughters do not honor me and hurt me so much. They are estranged from me, the youngest has pretty much written me out of her life, no matter what I do. I have allowed them to abuse me emotionally for many many years, and have only recently decided to try to take my dignity and self respect back by leaving them alone. The question still haunts me however.
Also I raised my daughters in church from the time they were very small, and they were taught about God. I have reached out so many times trying to reconnect with them, and they really cannot give me any concrete reasons why they have cut me out of their lives. Could my lack of respect and honor for my bio mother be why my own children treat me as they do?
Sorry this is so long, but I need this answered very badly. I have prayed and prayed for an answer, but it does not seem to come to me. Please share your feelings. Thank you.
Big Hugs Rachel
Do your EDs have a relationship with their father? Did they know your GM? How old are your girls?
My guess is that they are just into themselves and influenced by their peers. My ES was raised in a good home, went to Sunday School every Sunday, my husband and I attended all his sports and school activities, etc. and yet he met a woman who did not love the Lord and criticized me for my faith - who became his wife and caused our estrangement.
Be good to yourself. God loves you and wants only the best for you, all in "His" timing.
As I read your post it reminded me of my mother. She had fallen and broker her hip so my sister and I took care of her. When she was at my house, she would complain about my sister and not doing enough for her; when she was at my sister's house, she would complain to her about me not doing enough for her.
It seems our nature is to abuse the one we are the most comfortable with at the time. Your daughters know everything you did for them and feel it should continue and now that they are adults feel justified in treating you as mean as they want - after all, they are "adults" and in charge of setting their own behavior.
You have many wonderful years to live "for you". My advise is to let them go, no b'day cards, no Christmas gifts, no contact, absolutely nothing. See how long it takes them to figure it out. Even when you do hear from them, I would be as confident in the loving person you are and let them know you have a wonderful life and are enjoying the freedom to find your hobbies, travel, etc.
It's a control issue. Just like my DIL controls my ES. She hasn't spoken to her birth mother in 16 years and when my son married her, she made it her mission that he would not have contact with his birth mother either. So be it - only God can change their hearts.
God bless you
Yes, they do know what I did for them. They have even told me and others that they are not nearly the mothers that I was to them. That there was not a day that I did not cook breakfast for them, have a nice dinner for them, and that now they can't manage a couple of dinners a week, without dining out. They also remember how I made even their winter coats, and they loved them. They always had more than one coat because I made them. They remember a great many things about what we did when they were children/teens. I have already decided "NO MORE GIFTS". I have a GC graduating from high school this year and I will send her gift, because I have always given nice grad gifts to the other GCs and I would never leave her out. But after that, I am done.
This place is making me strong where I have been so weak. I feel my power and it feels like heaven! Thank you all so much. (But I have to visit several times a day right now, to stay this way).
I am working on accepting things as they are, and forgetting to try to change anyone's heart but my own. I cannot do that, only God can, and I'm not Him! I am one human mother that loves her children very much, and now knows it is time to reclaim my dignity and self respect by moving on.
I am reading for a second time the book "Shattered Dreams" by Dr. Larry Crabb and it is very insightful. I bought it after my DH died 2 1/2 yrs ago and now reading it due to the estrangement of my daughters. It is a really good book.
Let go and Let God is my practice each day. The Lord's blessings for each of you.
My own mother has contributed to the estrangement of my dear oldest son. She and my sisters have conspired together to keep him away from me, and even encouraged him to dishonor me.
Needless to say, I am not close to my own mother right now...in fact, I'm asking God to forgive me for having thoughts of bitterness towards her.
For many years, I was very close to her, when my kids were young.
Then, for some reasons that I cannot explain, when my oldest son turned about 22 years old..there was a sudden shift in my mother's attention towards him only...and she has been very mean and rejecting towards myself, my husband (of over 34 years now) and my other two adult children.
My sisters have always been distant towards me, and they were my worst "bullies' when we were growing up together..calling me names, mocking me for my faith in God, abusing me emotionally in so many ways..and now they've included my own mother and encouraged her to be this way with me even today.
So..I can honestly say that I'm not having the emotions of "respect" for her today..and my dear husband even has mentioned that perhaps it's because of my distance with my elderly mother that our son is now distant?? Then why on earth are my sisters this way also??? I've distanced myself now from these mean sisters, and unfortunately from my mother..they have just mocked me too many times for my faith, and only bring nothing but heartache and pain to my inner most being..they are toxic to me right now. It's not healthy for me to be around them as I just put myself in the line of fire and attack from them.
Yes..it's sad when there's estrangement from a parent. My extremely abusive father died over 27 years ago...so he's not been in the picture, however his legacy of abuse seems to be carried on now as I often have seen some personality traits of my abusive father in my ES...
"The sins of the father"..generational sins that need to be dealt with, and the chains broken.
As my oldest son was growing up, unfortunately, I could see some evil personality traits in him that were the same as in my father. We (husband & I) tried our best to break the cycle..but sin has a way of corrupting anyone..and unless we ask Jesus to come into our lives..that sin/evil part of our personalities can remain and cause havoc in our own lives and those around us. That's what's happened to my ES..I am certain of this. My ES needs to get back to God, who we taught him about since he was a young child. Right now, my ES is running from God..and living a life in opposition to everything that God teaches us in His Word.
I've asked God to forgive me for not showing my own mother much respect anymore..I've been hurt too many times..and quite deeply by her. I know in my heart I've forgiven her..but that doesn't mean I have to be around her anymore. It's more a "self-protective" stance I am taking now.
I really understand your struggle about "not respecting" your bio-mom...It is what I am experiencing myself. Every day, I still pray for them (sisters and mother, and ES and his wife..and especially for my dear little two year old grandson, who is being denied any connection to his grandparents, (my hubby & I) and our other two adult children..his auntie and uncle).
Family should be described as: " unconditional loving and accepting and respecting individuals for just who they are"...and that just does NOT describe my family of origin..but it's the opposite for me.
So, now, I make it a point to surround myself with those who love me just as I am...and Jesus does that for sure, even if I may not find it in other family relationships. God is giving me a new family..the people in His family..brothers and sisters in the Lord.
Be encouraged..God knows your heart, and mine. It's the enemy who would like to condemn..so just don't listen to that condemning voice anymore! In order for me to be healthy for the ones who are loving towards me, I let go of the ones who tear me down..I just let them go!
In Jesus,
Maddie