CHRISTIAN PARENTS of ESTRANGED ADULT CHILDREN Community Group

Estrangement makes it difficult to talk about with family, friends, neighbors and church members. Christians are NOT immune to broken families. Talk about your experiences with those who know how you feel and get positive support through your Christian faith...."In these last days difficult times will come, for men will be lovers of self...disobedient to parents,...

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Please help me - my story

whyonlychild
whyonlychild
Right now I am so sad and depressed that I don't even feel like going on. Fortunately I have a wonderful loving husband who is doing his best to keep me busy and my mind on other things. Even when my parents passed, I don't think it hurt this much. Our 36 year old ES is the custodial Dad of 4 children. The mother went to jail about 5 years ago - about a year after the last child was born. At that point, we sold our home and bought a duplex so we could be handy and help our son. We know it's very difficult to be a single parents with 4 kids and wanted to help. Everything has gone well until about a month ago. We were away for a couple of days. When we arrived home, our son's house was empty. We found a note saying that he didn't need us any longer and he was going to live with his new girlfriend. He has blocked all forms of communication including our phones. He said in the note that we will never see nor have communication of any kind with him or the grandchildren. I don't even have any idea what happened. He asked for some money before we left but we refused to give it to him since we knew they were planning to have a party. He needs money for the "necessary" things not the frivolous "want" things. This girl has 4 sisters, 2 sister-in-laws, and one foster sister as well as her mother. They each have their own apartment in the same building. He just doesn't need us and they are his family now. Besides the free housing and so many things, our son has borrowed well over 5 figures saying he would repay us but we have never asked him for a penny. I have no idea even what happened except the girlfriend hasn't liked us since day 1 although we tried very hard to be friendly and make her feel at home. She told our son that we think we are big shots - every single person in that family lives on food stamps and assistance - none work. We have always been so close to our son and he has a good education and good job. I just can't wrap my head around this since it just doesn't make any sense. I never saw this coming nor would believe it could happen. So glad I found this site and all of you. Thank you.
Norske1
Norske1
I am so sorry for what you are going through. Based on what you say about his gf and family and how they live, he might open his eyes and see that he doesn't want to live that way nor have his children in that environment. Hard as it is, be patient and pray. Pray not only for your ES and grandchildren, but also for these people who seem to have pulled your son away.
savedbyhim45
savedbyhim45
That is awful. Im sorry, agree with Norske. Give it to God and pray. We can't control what others do , only what we do. I hope he turns around and see's his mistake.
lindajoan
lindajoan
Why, So sorry for what you are going through. Given the condition you describe this family is in I wouldn't think it would be long before his eyes were open and things fall apart. It is best he comes to this on his own as the prodigal son. The most we can do is pray. I agree with you about not giving money,as well. God bless you and your DH.
whyonlychild
whyonlychild
Thank you so much for your replies and sentiments. We have always just had an unspoken expectation of our son to do his best in life, faith, church, God, prayer, hope. I heard this morning at church that our son has quit his job and is doing manual labor, is buying a house for him and GF and spent Friday and Saturday nights partying. This is not the son we raised at all. At 36 can be possibly be going through his teenage rebellion? I just can't wrap my head around all of this. Of course I pray constantly and try to stay hopeful but it's hard. It's almost as though he and my grandchildren died or something since it is such a sudden, dramatic, total loss. Have Faith and love the Lord.
caneglect
caneglect
Yes, he can be going through his rebellion at 36 - my daughter had delayed rebellion......went from a NO tolerance for anything (alcohol, cigs, drugs) girl to a total party Monster a little over 3 years ago.....isolated and alienated close family and TRUE friends, runs with a bunch of losers and subjects my GS to only God Knows What? My prayers are with you, I wish I could give you answers but I don't have any. Just take care of yourself, quit enabling (giving him money), etc. and take it day by day. You will make it, it is a tough road that none of us choose, but it is what it is and we do what we have to to survive. You will make, Have Faith, courage and try to let it go.....it is super hard but it is all we can do! So sorry for all you have gone through.
lindajoan
lindajoan
Your ES may think all this sounds good right now but things have a way of changing when the going gets tough. This sounds like a lot for a 37 year old to take on. In our ED's case we always prayed that all the things she was trying to fill her life with would fall apart. In the past 2 1/2 years she has lost 2 bfs and most friends she thought were there for her. God is far from finished with her yet but she has learned some hard lessons. We pray that God will teach her so many hard lessons that she will return to Him and family.

I agree with you that it is easier for our EC to be with those who do not hold them accountable. They do not want to put in the effort and come to repentance. Only God!
GuelsMom
GuelsMom
Why....How old are the grandkids? If they are old enough, they are going to remember you and how much you loved them. They are also going to be questioning where you are, why you can no longer see them and when they will be seeing you again. God can use that got to prick his conscience.

Did your son know that you disapproved of his girlfriend and that they were living together by any chance?
whyonlychild
whyonlychild
Our GC are 14. 11. 9. 6 so they should be old enough to ask questions and wonder what happened. I almost fear what our ES might tell them. I can only hope that when they get a little older they will come and see us o their own. I tried my best to accept GF and help her with some things but DH made it clear that he didn't think this girl was the right one for him. We never said anything negative about her directly and tried to always make her feel at home. But maybe our feelings could be understood by our son. I just pray that God in His infinite wisdom will find a way to open his eyes. and do what is best for the kids. The "family's" kids have no manners, swear, etc. I can't see how ES can want that for the kids
lindajoan
lindajoan
Pray that his eyes will be opened. God is in control.