CHRISTIAN PARENTS of ESTRANGED ADULT CHILDREN Community Group
Estrangement makes it difficult to talk about with family, friends, neighbors and church members. Christians are NOT immune to broken families. Talk about your experiences with those who know how you feel and get positive support through your Christian faith...."In these last days difficult times will come, for men will be lovers of self...disobedient to parents,...
I can hardly type I am so confused. I joined this site a few days ago and have recieved an amazing amount of support in private emails, replies to my post and hugs! I have spent a lot of time in the last few days pouring over the many posts which contain so much wisdom. Thank you to everyone!
I was just reading the post on detachment when all of a sudden I got an email, out of the blue from my ES. I hope this is OK, but I would like to post it and omit names, so you can see how loving he is and how oblivious he seems to my hurt.
Please advise me on what to do. It is his birthday next week and I had already decided to just send him a card....no money, no gift. The card was a Son card and it did express my love for him. I have never before not given him somehting for his birthday.
I had said to my husband that I was pretty sure that he would contact me near his birthday, as a manipulation tactic to get a gift...I know him. But as his birthday approached, I did not hear from him, so I figured that he was going to really up the anti and ignore me even at this time of year. He likes getting money at Christmas also.
This is what he wrote:
Hi Momma - I enjoyed the pictures from your vacation - your life seems like such an amazing time since you moved - I trust you are loving the decision to do so. Life here in _______ is going quite well - C____ moved in with me last week and our relationship is turning quite serious - there may be wedding bells or babies in our near future. In the meantime i am working both my 9-5 and as many contract jobs as possible to save up for a down payment - my hope is to have $_____K by next August - and Im almost halfway there. I am healthy and happy and have been thinking about you a lot lately - I hope you are happy. what's new? any visitors coming in the near future - any idea when you may come back to Canada? Have a great weekend and I love you lots! Say hi to G_____ for me! xo
G_____ is my husband, his stepfather. I am shocked. How should I respond? If he is sincere, I am over the moon with this email and his change of attitude towards me. I have not pursued him since he cut me out of his life May 2014. He did call in June and apologize, but by the end of the call he was accusing me of being a bad mother again.
Is he just manipulating me for birthday money? That is usually what I give him for his birthday. Or has he truly missed me because I have stepped back from him and been silent? The card has been sent. Do I leave it at that and see how he responds to no money? Do I write him back, as if nothing happened? He is all over the map. I suspect that he has no idea that his words and actions hurt me. I did not have an argument with him the last time he said mean things to me. I am tired of arguing with him. I just decided to stay silent and not pursue him.
As you can see by the email, he is quite the charmer. But when he is good, he is very, very good. And when he is bad he is horrid!
I am open to all of your opinions on this. Thank you ahead of time.
I was just reading the post on detachment when all of a sudden I got an email, out of the blue from my ES. I hope this is OK, but I would like to post it and omit names, so you can see how loving he is and how oblivious he seems to my hurt.
Please advise me on what to do. It is his birthday next week and I had already decided to just send him a card....no money, no gift. The card was a Son card and it did express my love for him. I have never before not given him somehting for his birthday.
I had said to my husband that I was pretty sure that he would contact me near his birthday, as a manipulation tactic to get a gift...I know him. But as his birthday approached, I did not hear from him, so I figured that he was going to really up the anti and ignore me even at this time of year. He likes getting money at Christmas also.
This is what he wrote:
Hi Momma - I enjoyed the pictures from your vacation - your life seems like such an amazing time since you moved - I trust you are loving the decision to do so. Life here in _______ is going quite well - C____ moved in with me last week and our relationship is turning quite serious - there may be wedding bells or babies in our near future. In the meantime i am working both my 9-5 and as many contract jobs as possible to save up for a down payment - my hope is to have $_____K by next August - and Im almost halfway there. I am healthy and happy and have been thinking about you a lot lately - I hope you are happy. what's new? any visitors coming in the near future - any idea when you may come back to Canada? Have a great weekend and I love you lots! Say hi to G_____ for me! xo
G_____ is my husband, his stepfather. I am shocked. How should I respond? If he is sincere, I am over the moon with this email and his change of attitude towards me. I have not pursued him since he cut me out of his life May 2014. He did call in June and apologize, but by the end of the call he was accusing me of being a bad mother again.
Is he just manipulating me for birthday money? That is usually what I give him for his birthday. Or has he truly missed me because I have stepped back from him and been silent? The card has been sent. Do I leave it at that and see how he responds to no money? Do I write him back, as if nothing happened? He is all over the map. I suspect that he has no idea that his words and actions hurt me. I did not have an argument with him the last time he said mean things to me. I am tired of arguing with him. I just decided to stay silent and not pursue him.
As you can see by the email, he is quite the charmer. But when he is good, he is very, very good. And when he is bad he is horrid!
I am open to all of your opinions on this. Thank you ahead of time.
I hope your son is being truthful & sincere, for your sake. If I were you, I would keep that email for future reference if you need it. It sounds as if his life is good, so be thankful for that. I wish you good luck, & God Bless.
Hi C___!
So nice to hear from you! I am glad that things are going well in your life. Do you want to introduce me to C___?
Things are going well for us, also. It seems that with G___s job that a window of opportunity has opened up for us to travel, quite a bit. We are going to D______ and S_____ at the end of the month and back to V____ in December.
I have been thinking about you, also. You are usually on my mind around this time of year because of your birthday and Christmas being so close together. It feels like November & December are your months.
C___, what do you want to do for special occasions, now that we live so far apart?
I still like giving you gifts or sending you money. Is that still good for you? As for me, I don't really need anything, monetarily speaking. In May, I had asked for you to contact me more, via phone, email, private messages, for my birthday/mothers' day gifts in 2014? Originally we decided on once a week. What happened?
Whatever we decide, I would like it to be reciprocal. It doesn't feel like a real relationship otherwise. What do you want to do going forward?
What does everyone think of this response? I am reminding him that the relationship goes both ways. If he gets huffy when I remind him that he did not remember me, then maybe that will be a signal to me that his heart has not changed.
All comments and opinions are welcome. I don't want to mess this one up. I have an opportunity to do things differently, so I am consulting with all of your first.
I would respond to his email in the same light way he wrote you, with faith that this is a reconnect. If it turns out otherwise, you can be proud that you didn't yield to the $$ attempt for his affection. He may honestly be thinking about you as his birthday, the day that you gave birth to him, draws closer. Prayers and Blessings to you.
God Bless :)
I strongly suspect his "loving" email was a ploy for money. He is very charming when he wants something and tells me what he know I want to hear.
I may sound hard, but I have been this road many times. He is very hot and cold with me. When he told me that he didn't want me in his life in May, I told him that was a very good idea to keep away until he could treat me with more love and respect. I think that shocked him, as I don't usually stand up for myself. ln the name of being a loving Christian mom, I have tried to ignore his outbursts and catered to him. I don't want to do that anymore. Instead, I am proceeding with caution and trying to stay detached.
When I prayed about it, I was reminded of Joseph and his brothers in the Bible. Joseph tested them before he opened himself fully up to them. I was also reminded of the Prodigal Son. The Bible says...."when he was a long way off the father ran to him". Even if my son is a long way off, I will run to him with open arms. But not until I can see that his heart has truly changed. I can't take the emotional and verbal abuse any more.
I mentioned in my email back to him that I would like to meet his new gf that he is now living with. This is the second time I have suggested this....no response. My sister also asked to meet her and arranged a time and place and his gf never showed. These are all signs that he is not ready to completely share the important aspects of his life.
Thank you again for all your support.
May this be the beginning of a true reconciliation for you.
Just because he got mad because you wouldn't co-sign a loan, that doesn't mean all he wants is money. He could've been hurt or insulted that you felt he was a bad risk.
It doesn't sound to me like he is all about money. It sounds like he does care for you. JMO