CHRISTIAN PARENTS of ESTRANGED ADULT CHILDREN Community Group
Estrangement makes it difficult to talk about with family, friends, neighbors and church members. Christians are NOT immune to broken families. Talk about your experiences with those who know how you feel and get positive support through your Christian faith...."In these last days difficult times will come, for men will be lovers of self...disobedient to parents,...
I've been reading this book and it has a section I thought we could relate to; not exactly the family, but what Dr. Cloud tells the family:
"Burt was the 25 yr old son of a Christian family. From childhood his parents made most of his spiritual decisions. He wasn't allowed to question, doubt or make up his own mind about God. They told him when to go to Sun. Sch., youth group and catechism. They told him when to make his profession of faith and when to take Communion. They made other choices for him also and critized the ones he made: the way he dressed, the girls he dated, and his friends. When Burt left home he went wild. He started to drink and party to the point of feeling like he was gaining more "control" over his life by "losing control". But his parents didn't understand. They were unable to take the stance of the prodigal son's father who said in effect, "I love you and I disagree with your values, but they're your free choice, and I will set you free to pursue your choices. But, remember this, I love you very much and you're always free to come back. I will never say, 'I told you so'. I will only welcome you and rejoice that you have chosen what's good."
(By the way, the father didn't actually say that in the Bible, but is Cloud's interpretation of what he was thinking)
"We had a family meeting with Burt's parents, siblings and grandparents. I told them that Burt was an adult, and he could make whatever choices he wanted. God had allowed him the freedom to choose evil, and they must also. It was the only way that he would ever be able to freely choose God's ways.
They didn't hear what I said. They continued to try to get him to be like them and make him feel guilty when he wasn't. The cycle continued. He kept moving away from their control to make his own choices. My hunch is that one day he'll gain enough distance to experience what the prodigal did. He'll learn that the pigsty isn't a nice place to sleep, and he'll choose God's way. But he probably will not do that until his choices can be his own." That's what I'm trying to learn. I have to let ED's choices be hers (Not that I really have a choice as I can't even contact her). I'm hoping she'll learn someday that the pigsty isn't cool and come back
"Burt was the 25 yr old son of a Christian family. From childhood his parents made most of his spiritual decisions. He wasn't allowed to question, doubt or make up his own mind about God. They told him when to go to Sun. Sch., youth group and catechism. They told him when to make his profession of faith and when to take Communion. They made other choices for him also and critized the ones he made: the way he dressed, the girls he dated, and his friends. When Burt left home he went wild. He started to drink and party to the point of feeling like he was gaining more "control" over his life by "losing control". But his parents didn't understand. They were unable to take the stance of the prodigal son's father who said in effect, "I love you and I disagree with your values, but they're your free choice, and I will set you free to pursue your choices. But, remember this, I love you very much and you're always free to come back. I will never say, 'I told you so'. I will only welcome you and rejoice that you have chosen what's good."
(By the way, the father didn't actually say that in the Bible, but is Cloud's interpretation of what he was thinking)
"We had a family meeting with Burt's parents, siblings and grandparents. I told them that Burt was an adult, and he could make whatever choices he wanted. God had allowed him the freedom to choose evil, and they must also. It was the only way that he would ever be able to freely choose God's ways.
They didn't hear what I said. They continued to try to get him to be like them and make him feel guilty when he wasn't. The cycle continued. He kept moving away from their control to make his own choices. My hunch is that one day he'll gain enough distance to experience what the prodigal did. He'll learn that the pigsty isn't a nice place to sleep, and he'll choose God's way. But he probably will not do that until his choices can be his own." That's what I'm trying to learn. I have to let ED's choices be hers (Not that I really have a choice as I can't even contact her). I'm hoping she'll learn someday that the pigsty isn't cool and come back
So, we stood by our religious beliefs when dealing with these adult kids, and we are estranged. Sometimes it doesn't make sense, except when I look to God and the big picture, I know He cries for me and hopefully one day our prodigal children will return.