CHRISTIAN PARENTS of ESTRANGED ADULT CHILDREN Community Group

Estrangement makes it difficult to talk about with family, friends, neighbors and church members. Christians are NOT immune to broken families. Talk about your experiences with those who know how you feel and get positive support through your Christian faith...."In these last days difficult times will come, for men will be lovers of self...disobedient to parents,...

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chocolatecat 01/04/2015

Hi all! I've just been kind of in the background here holding my breath waiting for the holidays to be done. Today is our last "holiday" of the holiday season. Today is our "Gotcha Day" - the day we brought all of our kids home. In years past we would have a cake, go out for dinner and I'd give them a special gift. The past few years have been less and less celebratory simply because we barely heard from our ED & and ESs. Today, at most, I was going to send a group text to them telling them we love them. I just don't know if I want to stir the pot though. Also, we did not hear from any of them on Christmas even though I sent them all gifts, cards, gift cards, etc. It goes against my core not to acknowledge the day but at the same time I don't want to open the doors to a backlash (from one in particular) if I do. I just think I'll feel guilty if I don't and even though things are strained with them I think I will hurt their feelings if I don't. I don't know.
I guess I'm just throwing this out there to organize my thoughts hoping to figure out the right thing to do. Thanks for listening!

lindajoan 01/04/2015

I understand,chocolate. We sent our ED a small rememberance at Christmas. There was no reply. I had also sent a text (not sure if it is her present # or her bf's or no one) for her adoption day and there was no response. If you feel led of the Holy Spirit to reach out then you should. We are not responsible for our EC's reactions. Does your EC still connect?

God bless you.

chocolatecat 01/04/2015

Linda, I don't know if I feel led of the Holy Spirit, led out of duty, or led out of guilt! The other side is, honestly, I don't want to because I don't want the aggravation of hearing back negatively or being blown off. One ES will use the opportunity to ask us for something he wants (that we don't want to give) and that could turn into a whole ugly scene if he keeps on us like is his usual m.o. The other two, they may or many not reply at all. If we just contact one or two they will exchange notes and whoever didn't hear from us will be mad and get sympathy from the others.
I'm thinking about sending post cards! ?? But they will be late now, ugh!

gordos4 01/04/2015

If I knew where my ES was, I would reach out to him. My other semi-estranged son took his Christmas $ with a smile on his face. He really has nothing to do with us otherwise, wont even answer our phone calls or texts. He just calls when he needs something, & we always help if we're able to. We got to go over to their house to give our grandson his Christmas gifts, which was all we cared about. I couldn't see giving my GS presents & not giving our semi-estranged son a gift.

lindajoan 01/04/2015

Chocolate, I like the idea of sending cards. It may be less stressful. Let us know what you decide. Shalom.

chocolatecat 01/04/2015

I'm leaning towards the post cards, Linda, thank you. I'll see how the evening plays out. :-( Feeling like I'm waiting in fear and trembling.

NickyChips 01/04/2015

Hi Chocolate. We went through counselling to deal with our estrangement from our daughter and the best advice we were given was to always ask ourselves, before we ask our ED requiring a yes or no response, to ask ourselves: "How invested am I in a yes?". If you know you'll be deeply hurt if you get no reply at all, or a negative reply, don't ask. Our ED blew us off over the Christmas holidays and my DH texted her a while ago to ask if she'd like to get together for coffee with him. No response. As for Christmas gifts, this is the first year we didn't buy anything for our ED. It felt weird, but freeing at the same time. If we get no response to the text, the next step will be to let her know we're going to back off and wait for her to initiate contact. We may be waiting a very long time.

chocolatecat 01/04/2015

Our ED just broke the ice about an hour ago with a group text to all of us including ESs to say Happy (adoption) Anniversary. That was nice and it allowed us to reply to all of them Happy Anniversary and we love them. Our two ESs haven't replied but that is ok. We hadn't heard from our ED since a week before Christmas when she had a very technical computer question. She couldn't get on the internet and had tried everything. DH fixed it for her over the phone and that was the last we've heard from her - in spite of the fact we sent multiple things to her for Christmas and were very happy to talk to her saying "call us anytime" etc. after helping her. We're kind of used to getting yanked around from her though. Nice she was the one to reach out even when she didn't want something from us.
This was probably just about best case scenario for our present circumstance. Thank you Lord! Reminds me of a quote (I don't know from who!) I wrote down a few months ago "I have crossed many a bridge that never materialized". Of course, I have also crossed many bridges that have materialized worse than I ever imagined.....Anyhow!
Just a few more hours for the other two to weigh in - then we will be off the hook for another holiday.

lindajoan 01/04/2015

So glad to hear your ED did acknowlege the special day. It is nice to know that she has not forgotten. We pray one day our ED will remember and appreciate all that we did for her.

Adoptive parents are special people. God bless you.

chocolatecat 01/05/2015

Nothing from either ES but very nice that ED texted us. Most likely we won't hear from her again for months.
I feel like I now might have survived the holidays without things being much worse. PTL!

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