Maria, my first thought that came to mind was that you need to have a serious discussion with your sister!

Maria, is he doing anything at all to contribute to his education?

Thought about that the first time, but like my dad said...that's between my EC and her. This time, she's learned her lesson because she called me last night and told me that she doesn't feel like cosigning a loan would be the right thing to do as she would be stuck with the loan and only hears from my EC when EC needs $$$. She's seeing the light now. I do feel kinda guilty though because if EC really needs help with school and am I not being Christian like when I don't help??

Maria, First,I sorta disagree with your dad's advice that it is between your EC and sis. Yet, it really depends on how old he is and whether or not he is still your financial responsibility. If he is old enough to be on his own and accountable for his own decisions then to go to his aunt for things would be, in my opinion only, between him and her - as long as it does not become divisive between you and her.

If he is still your responsibility financially and you said "No" for something and he went to your sister and got it instead, I would feel as though I, as the parent, was being undermined by my sister.

However, it does seem as though your sister has thought that through and has done the right thing anyway. Sounds like she does not want to get into the middle of child vs. parent. Wise sister you have there!

As far as funding the education goes, I think it is fine to help out with his education - if he is keeping up with the grades, maybe contributing to it with a part time job and is trying hard for scholarships.

I'm not too sure about a school loan though if you have to re-mortgage your house or something. Then it really is giving him money you do not have yourself. You may need that house when you retire.

I think education is different than buying him a car or a trip to Miami for spring break. It is for his future and how he is going to be able to provide for his family. (I'm certainly NOT trying to make you feel guilty here, it's just that I see education as being "different.")

I don't know if that helps or not. How do you really feel about his maturity and all? Have you ever spoken to him about how you feel you are being treated as the big cash register in the sky?

Thanks for the rely Guelsmom. My EC is approaching 20 yrs old. Basically, only time we have spoken was after my mother passed on and brief visit hinting for money. This time, I wasn't asked for anything - only my sister was. Right now, I'm unemployed so don't have much to give. I feel same about education being different, but if I wasn't approached and don't have much money to give, what do I do? I think I'll wait to see if I'm approached and take it from there. My EC has a history of manipulating and lying. Last time, EC told the truth about school finances and school worked something out so we didn't have to contribute. My EC is also smoking pot and possibly doing other drugs, drinking. Only works summer jobs and doesn't during school year. I don't know how grades are as EC doesn't communicate with me - only when something is needed and that is rare.

Maria....thanks for the additional info. It sounds like you EC needs a little bit of growing up to do. At 20 he is only one year away from being an immature, inconsiderate, testing the waters, and testing the parents teenager to the max. As I think about it, that sounds just like what my son was like at 20!! Oh, do I know how you must be feeling right now! LOL.
(sorta) Seemed like every decision he made was like; "you've got to be kidding!"

Take heart dear Maria....you'll be amazed at what a good wife and children will do to transform him into a responsible adult, going back for more education in order to get a better job to support his family! I swear he was heading for life under bridge, a backpack for survival and the local soup kitchen for food at age 20. NEVER envisioned that simply saying "I do" would do that much. God's hand was in there too guiding him I think because, despite the estrangement, they are a Christian family. (Not walking the walk but then God's not done with them yet.

My response given the history....Please don't sign anything!

I cosigned one last time for my ED...I got stuck with the vehicle that I did not pick out! And it caused the estrangement among other things adding to it.

I went to college, got my Masters and did not have my parents help. And I am not rich!

Gas money or food is helpful, a $20 here, a $10 there. But, the school loans will come after you and if you refuse to pay they will put a lien on your home.

Stay Strong,
Pearl

Thanks so much for this. I was getting weak at the knees feeling guilty and responsible for giving my EC the money, even though EC asked my sister and not me! I guess I also in the back of my mind thought that if I give money, my EC will want to reach out to me instead of being estranged. Now I remember that old tune the Beatlies sang, "Money can't buy me Love". So true. Pearl, thanks for sharing from your experience and you too GuelsMom. I'll turn this over to God.

Maria....I agree with Pearl about the school loan - unless you are prepared to end up paying for it later on - and doing it without resentment. My DH and I do not do loans to anyone. If they need money we give it to them. To us, it only creates problems down the road. I was thinking along the lines of...IF you were financially stable enough to take out a second mortgage on your home and give it to him as a gift if you genuinely wanted to help with his education.

When my DH wanted to go to college, he had a younger brother that was college bound too. Yet, his parents did not have the funds to send both to college so they financed the younger brother and made my DH work for his education. Those were the days when education was not as expensive as it is today and my DH had to take out school loans to do it - but he did it! He was paying for that loan for several years after we were married too!

There is another option if he can't pay and you don't have the funds to help - the military. Lots of kids are joining for that reason. Just a thought.

You know your son more than we do. You know how he is treating you now - even if you do help with the loan. But if you don't help with the loan, remember, he hasn't asked you yet - right? Why would you feel guilty for not giving if someone hasn't asked?

Also, it is true about that Beatles song but only you know if that is what you are really trying to do. Wanting to help out our kids with education is a normal desire for any parent. I wouldn't confuse that emotion with thinking you are only doing it for a self-serving purpose. Sure you are probably pretty normal in having that thought float through your mind but you seem to be wise enough to know that money does not really buy anyone love - it only buys them resentful dependence. Ultimately, the decision should rest on whether or not you "volunteer" to help out for his best interest in the future and are prepared if he fails to pay it back.

If you decide that you do want to help out, you could, in the back of your mind, look at it in advance as; "well, if later on he does fail to pay it back, I will just let him know that this will be deducted from his inheritance when I write my will." In essence, you will have still held him accountable for his failed promise. (This is just a thought tossed out there!)

God Bless

Money is a HUGE issue for my ED and I. As a counselor told me... when you lend money to your adult children who should be able to support themselves... in most cases they will have contempt rather than gratitude for you. Their self-esteem is not able to handle it and they take it out on you as I was told... "You tease us with your money, there is always a price to pay, etc... when all I needed was gratitude. If I am ever asked again I will say kindly, "Oh I wish I could, but I just don't have anything extra to lend."

Did you ever see the movie 'Fun with Dick and Jane?' There is one scene in it when 'Jane' goes to her rich father asking for money. He smilingly tells her how they would be harming her self esteem and self worth if they interfered with her ability to be self sufficient [or something]. It was a great answer. I do not think you should respond with any false statement like you can't help ... always tell the truth somehow.

We too have had people ask us for money .... my sister attacked my Christianity the last time causing me to give in against my DH better judgment ... he was right the money wasn't used for the reason given. Now - just like Bugzy said - they all hate us.

I have a different take on 'education' ... first off ... college grads can't get a job either. They have invested so much into their education time and money and are no better off that those who haven't. I know there are some statistics that college grads can get a job quicker than a non grad, but what about the occupations that don't require degrees; like a plumber, carpenter, electrician, restaurant cook, etc.? You know jobs where a person might have to sweat or get their hands dirty?

Just sayin' the kid should get a job and pay for his own education like Pearl did. And just maybe he'll realize he can make a living without the degree. [Not to mention that so many young people just go to college to party; like my son did.]

Thanks all. I really think that I need to regroup here, because I am wishing my EC would reach out to me not only for money, but just to have a relationship with me and that is not happening. Therefore, since my EC has not approached me for help with school and has not attempted to contact me for anything else, I have to assume that my EC doesn't desire to have a relationship with me and I need to let go and turn my EC over to God. It's hard because I miss my EC - at leas the way my EC used to be when younger.

Maria, I can feel your sadness in your post. I can understand it too as I'm sure many others have felt like doing the very same thing. Even though we may intellectually know that to "give for the sake of using it as a carrot stick" only is a bandaid on the problem, we still want that relationship back again so bad that we want to let the emotions drive our decisions rather than our common sense. I KNOW I have done that, maybe on a smaller scale than a school loan, but I know I wanted to get a response out of him. It almost did not even matter what kind of response it was; whether or not it was positive or negative, as long as there was SOME kind of acknowledgement that he was thinking of me. I know none of that is scriptural but the pain of the loss is too overwhelming sometimes. Yes, I know that Jesus sent the Holy Spirit as my Comforter - but I need a hug from my son while I am still here on earth.

Hugs to BOTH of us today!! LOL