CHRISTIAN PARENTS of ESTRANGED ADULT CHILDREN Community Group

Estrangement makes it difficult to talk about with family, friends, neighbors and church members. Christians are NOT immune to broken families. Talk about your experiences with those who know how you feel and get positive support through your Christian faith...."In these last days difficult times will come, for men will be lovers of self...disobedient to parents,...

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chocolatecat 04/03/2014

New here! Just wondering if there is anyone who has more or less "initiated" the estrangement with their EC? We have 3 kids who we adopted in their early teens from a foreign country. ED stopped speaking to us when she was 15. ES1 has been very distant since he moved out just over a year ago. He was in the ER for alcohol poisoning a few weeks ago. You get the picture. Other son is about to turn into ES2. I just can't deal with the drama anymore and need a break from it so badly. We moved to a different state 8 months ago but the drama follows us via fb, texting, emails, etc. We adopted our kids 12 years ago, they are all adults now 23, 26, 26. I cannot say I have had one good month in the past 12 years. Life was an enormous struggle and now we feel we have nothing to show for it but bitter EC. We are empty nesters for nearly a year now and had the rude awakening at Thanksgiving and Christmas that there will be no "Norman Rockwell" holidays in our future. We are beyond discouraged and need a break. But in order to have a break we would probably need to take the break from communicating with our final son who brings us so much drama. That would probably mean missing his sure-to-be upcoming wedding. Obviously there are a thousand details that I've left out of our story, but suffice it to say we were very well meaning faithful Christians who took on a tough job and did our very very best. Now we have 3 bitter and angry EC to show for it. Just want to survive now and find some joy somewhere in life and get a break from their drama. We have dealt with so many consequences since adopting them that dealing with the consequences of not communicating with them seems kind of small and worth it even. We know that very few people in our lives will understand. That will be the most difficult, I think. I truly start to get a little bit of joy back in my life when I haven't heard from him for days. I know this doesn't sound "right" but it is true. Has anybody else been in this place?

Norske1 04/03/2014

We have an ES who became estranged when he married. She insisted he estrange from us.

But there are many on here who have dealt with so much drama that it really seems better to have no contact. Are your 3 EC siblings by birth? How much do you want to attend the wedding?

While my DH and I hate not having seen our ES for almost 7 years, we have come to the realization that maybe God gave us our son to raise but he was on loan to us. Now he is an adult and making his own decisions. Maybe God wants us to listen to him as he instructs us what path he wants us to take now that the job of raising our son is finished. I don't know; I just pray about it a lot.

Norske1 04/03/2014

chocolatecat - I forgot to say welcome and so glad you are here. You will find strength, many Christian friends who are dealing with estrangements, some different and some the same.

chocolatecat 04/03/2014

Thank you Norske1! Nice to not feel alone for sure.
Our 3 are all bio siblings adopted at the same time 12 years ago.
I don't want to attend the wedding at all but few will understand why and we'll look like the "terrible" parents who didn't go. We're pretty used to being misunderstood by now but still hate that feeling. If we were to go, people would know we weren't excited about it. Praying that the answer will be clear for us in our situation. Praying we will know what do to before we need to make a decision about that. Meanwhile, we'd just like to be excused from taking part in the drama. ES2 keeps wanting to engage us in it. I have high blood pressure now and just can't take it.

lindajoan 04/03/2014

Welcome here chocolatecat, It certainly sounds as if you need a rest. A rest from all that you have been through with your EC. We understand! We all have different estrangement journeys. I have 3 biological sons (not estranged) and an adopted daughter who is our ED. She is 22. She left home over 2 years ago for a bf and a promise by his father. They gave her up after a year but she kept finding other enablers who did not know us (her family). This is the only way she could tell lies and play the victim. Estrangement is very sad and very difficult. I have come to realize that only God can change the hearts of our EC. We can pray for them.

Please take care of yourself right now. You have been down a difficult road (I do understand). It may be best right now to stay away from all the drama and leave your EC in God's hands. He will show you what is right for you and DH to do. Please continue to share with us. God bless you.

Norske1 04/03/2014

Maybe it's time to tell all of them that you love them but will not tolerate their abusive behaviors. Until they can treat you with respect, you feel you need some distance right now. You can block them. But pray about it first.

chocolatecat 04/03/2014

Thank you lindajoan and Norske1. It is so difficult to come to these conclusions, but to leave them be is the only thing that gives me peace of mind. The disrespect after all these years of sacrifice for them just astonishes me. I keep wanting to fix it but am concluding that only the Lord and time can do that. I don't know how long that will take for 3 though. Thank you all.

soverysadmom 04/04/2014

Chocolatecat-welcome. This group has provided me with so much insight and support. Estrangement is painful no matter what the reason, I would believe. I have one estranged son who basically cut us off after girlfriend came into the picture and another older son who we are off and on again estranged from because of his bad, destructive behaviors. We have helped him for years with money, food, etc. I have recently told older son don't call me until you can act nice. His most recent contact to me was telling me off for being a bad mother, just days after I had delivered food to him. Prayers to you.

chocolatecat 04/04/2014

Thank you soverysadmom. The day that I found this group felt like a very good day. It was very comforting to find people to relate to even though I am sorry we are all in these similar situations. Reading your different stories has been so helpful to me not to feel alone. Being talked to with respect would be our #1 request from our kids especially this last one. He has no idea how rude he is to us and when we get upset with him about it he gets mad at us for being upset. He doesn't hear himself - but he never speaks to anybody else the way he talks to us. I just need some time away from it because it isn't getting any better in spite of having moved away. I am hoping for a good long break right now.

lindajoan 04/04/2014

Chocolate, I understand what you mean when you say your ES spoke to you with disrespect but not to others that way.
We should be the ones given the most respect as their parents but that was never the way of our ED, either.

chocolatecat 04/04/2014

Lindajoan, yes, I do not understand why we not only do not get respect but get blatant disrespect instead. There is so much we could put up with if they would treat us respectfully. There are a thousand times I've thought "I'd never speak to my parents that way" or do "x" to them! etc. We started late in life with these but still think our efforts would have at least garnered respect from them. It is the pattern of ES2 that he will only be respectful of us when we rubber stamp all of his choices with enthusiasm and assistance. Anything less than that he badgers and browbeats us nonstop trying to convince us. There must be a name for this kind of behavior but I am too tired of reading "help" books to find out.

lindajoan 04/04/2014

The behavior in God's sight is sin. Our EC should show gratefulness but they do not. It is very discouraging and the enemy would love to destroy us through estrangement physically and emotionally. Jesus is our very present help. Please cling to Him and remember you and DH did your best as parents. One day these prodigals may realize it. They will have to learn the hard way like the prodigal son. Pray for them. Leave them in God's hands to work in them. He will in His way and in His time.

chocolatecat 04/04/2014

Thank you lindajoan. That was beautiful. I can't get my head around how they are dishonoring God by their attitudes and actions. It is just plain old sin, like you said. They keep trying to make us feel bad for it! DH and I are trying to get our joy and lives back again. It is coming slowly. Thank you again.

martha2014 04/04/2014

There is a name for it Chocolatecat. It is called the Silent Epidemic,Family Disunion & to be perfectly blunt the "give it to me now or drop dead" threat. As long as they think they have power over you they will continue to abuse you. You have got some very good advice here tonight but myself Norske1 tell them you love them but you are not going to tolerate the disrespect any longer and when they feel they can speak to you with respect then they can call. I am sure you having been praying about this for a very long time so don't get discouraged just leave it with the Lord.

chocolatecat 04/05/2014

Thank you Martha! "Give it to me now or drop dead" sounds right on. Thank you for giving a name to what I have been unable to name for so long! This is definitely a power and control issue with our EC. I blame their chaotic lives before they came to us but that doesn't really help make it any easier for us. They are very much adults now and need more professional help. They have always been very adverse to the suggestion of it but we are praying that maybe somebody else's suggesting it will convince them. I see a long road ahead for them. We are now finally trying not to end up in a bad (or worse) place ourselves because of them. Need the Lord to renew our minds so we are leaning on Scripture more than ever. That is why the disrespect just feels so inexcusable. You are right, the more they get away with it the more they will continue. We are putting a stop to it now. It will not serve them well in the future at all. Many thanks friends.

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