Sovery, I did the same for two years. We all have rethought what we could have or should have done differently. We know we were not perfect. Condemnation is from the enemy and is not what Jesus wants for us. Once we have confessed any wrong on our part to God and our EC what more can we do. We can not change them ONLY God can.

In our ED's case as with many of our EC it is more about what they wanted (or their spouse) than anything we did or did not do. DH and I call it their agenda. The enemy played a major role in our ED's agenda. Very sad all that she gave up.

Let's pray one day they will hear God speak to them and obey.

PS. I personally would not send anything more to your ES.

So very,,, How old is your son? I dont recall your story,, sorry,, I get them mixed up theres so many of us...You are lucky to at least hear his voice,, keep praying for God to break the chains that are binding his heart to you and God..youre a loving mom.. huggs Robin

Thanks lindajoan. You are so right. Condemnation comes from the enemy. I am not sending anything. He doesn't want it. I guess I'm getting caught up in the Valentine's Day shopping emotion. My friend is taking her 20 year old cupcakes tomorrow. Holidays are the worst.

Thanks Robin. He is 20. I have not seen him since September but he does occasionally answer my email or phone call. I believe his fiancee has a lot to do with it all.

soverysad: I read your note and think.....this could have been written by me (and so many others I am now learning to understand). I am still working through how to understand and deal with things. I wish I had words of wisdom to share to help you. I am still looking for those words myself. I just tell myself everyday to Let go, Let God......and pray. Our daughter would keep in touch to get things from us. Now we struggle because a therapist told us that she has learned this behaviour from us always giving, always being there, etc and that we should stop. Unfortunately she has surrogates who enable her. I would hold on to your gifts and respect his wishes. Sometimes they say things they don't mean out of their own frustrations. Cherish that you got to hear his voice. God Bless you

I was remembering this past week as I was going thru kitchen drawers.. I found the marker I used so many times to write in my kids lunches,, I used to write on their bananas U apeel to me,, I love u, ..... or jokes etc... yup valentines was decorating cookies cookies cookies,,so I stay out of stores that cater to the holidays,,,, I hope sovery,, you have the oppurtunity to hear his voice again,, If the world was ending or if you knew we would be raptured tomorrow off this earth... what would u say on the phone??? I love u,, next time he calls tell him , let him hear that,, If we are raptured (and Im not sure I agree with this belief of rapture ) he will find your gifts,, but let him hear the earnesty in your voice, you love him.... huggs

sovery, Your ES is young like our ED. She is 22 and left home two years ago. When she walked away she left all family, friends, and ministries behind. She had an agenda and so did her enablers (bf at the time and his father). She also lost our financial help. Is your son financially independent?

Last year, I sent a Valentines card. This year I am not sending anything else. She knows the door is open but I must let God work in His way. We can give holiday gifts to those who are deserving. We can give our EC the gift of prayer.

soverysadmom, I'm in the same camp with linda, when bf's and spouses enter the picture it is MUCH more difficult for resolution to take place because, especially with men, they allow the women to start controlling who they, now as a "couple", associate with.

Scripture says in Romans.... "So then let us pursue what makes for peace..." That means that we do everything we can do, within God's will, to take action by pursuing peace. Every reasonable attempt should be made to bring resolution to the situation. Once that is done and resolution still does not come, we have to step aside and let them be, as painful as that is for us parents to accept. This is the way of the Prodigal Parent.

These are just a few suggestions that you might want to try as far as trying to get some answers from your son goes (but not an email or valentines day card either - not good.) Hand written letter I think is best if you decide to give it a try. Work these that best fit your own situation. These may not be a one size fits all thing to do. In our case, our problem is the DIL primarily. Getting to her is literally impossible.

• Why does our relationship not work? Is it working most of the time? Why not?

• When did it go wrong? Why?

• Is what you're fighting about worth breaking up our relationship over?

• What is it costing you to be in a relationship with me this way?

• Are you willing to put in the effort to make the relationship work?
• What effort are you willing to do?
• What effort do I need to do?

• Am I doing anything to contaminate our relationship?

• Are you hurt? Why?

• Are you angry? If so - why?

• Are you confused about something that took place that I can help you with?

• What do you want?

Excellent suggestions for a letter, Guelsmom, should sovery feel led to send one. I am still not certain if ES is financially independent while attending college. I can't imagine that.

Thank you for the good suggestions. ES is on a scholarship and financial aid. We just don't have much money. We have been providing a little money, medical and car insurance and clothes (which the gf won't let him wear now I understand). We would drive to the college every few weeks (it is three hours away) and take him snacks, drinks, supplies etc. before he banned us from the campus. We wanted him to be able to have a few snacks in his room to enjoy. The last time before we were banned I cooked two containers of cookies, one for her and one for him. He has a part time job and doesn't need us as much now. I guess him not needing us as much now financially and with the gf that is part of why we were cut off. All I can do is cry and pray.

IMHO with the behavior of your ES I do not believe he deserves any financial help. He should not be banning his parents( father) from his life and accept their help. Don't you agree?

IMHO, your DH and you are not responsible for honoring your son with financial help. That is a privilege to those who are respectful not a right. Don't you agree?

That is true lindajoan. We were trying to keep on being the good parents even though he won't see us. But he doesn't care. We have decided that we won't try to send him any more gifts or clothes. We are just wasting our money and we don't have a lot to spare. Prayers.

soverysad....Based on the way that your son and his fiance are treating you, he/they are never going to respect you unless you draw the line in the sand for them. Bullies really don't respect the people they bully; they see them as being weak. When you start saying "No, you cannot treat me this way, they don't know how to respond because they are so used to controlling you by the way they treat you - even if that is by way of the silent treatment. Our ES and DIL did the same thing to us and we put up with it because we thought they would stop if we did not tell them to stop treating us the way they did. It was a risk when I/we told him/her that we no longer wanted phone calls telling us all about of GK's - and then saying that we were never going to see them, talk to them or give them gifts. Now we give gifts to "Toys For Tots" at Christmas and have no intentions of even leaving them anything in our wills.

sovery, We all have to do as we are led by God. I was actually thinking that paying the car and medical insurance of one not showing respect is too much. How can he accept this and not be willing to see his father is beyond me.