CHRISTIAN PARENTS of ESTRANGED ADULT CHILDREN Community Group
Estrangement makes it difficult to talk about with family, friends, neighbors and church members. Christians are NOT immune to broken families. Talk about your experiences with those who know how you feel and get positive support through your Christian faith...."In these last days difficult times will come, for men will be lovers of self...disobedient to parents,...
I listened to Josh Coleman's seminar on the computer he gave Tues. about mistakes parents make. Here's a brief summary: Mistakes Parents Make:
1. Reconsiliation needs to be fair
If parents don't realize this will demand too much from child
Expect nothing
Have unconditional love for child and YOU (He put a lot of emphasis on this part)
A. Dialouge with yourself 10 ways you're a good parent and person
B. Do something you enjoy
C. Limit the time you think about it
2. Motivate them through guilt (Said this is the biggest mistake)
Our EK are motivated by if relationship makes them feel good
Don't tell them how unhappy you are especially in the early stages
Don't tell about illness or at least not in a way that would guilt trip them into coming back
Don't critize spouses/ bf/gf
3. Ways we make amends
Do it in a nondefensive way. Don't say I did the best I could or You had it better than me
They will exagerate, but listen for the truth
Just say you're sorry
Pay attention and just stay focused on their perspective
Stay calm and interested in what they say
Realize most of the time they're just trying to seperate as an individual
Shy kids tend to blame parents the most. It's their way of proving they don't need a parent
4. Return Fire with Fire
Write or talk when you feel calm
5. Failing to see how long it takes
Most of the time they just give us "crumbs" and we have to take it slowly. If they come back don't talk about estrangement for at least a year or could cause them to leave again.
6. Assuming it's all about you
He said most of the time kids blame parents, but don't really believe it deep down. Pychologically most are just trying to figure things out about how to become independent
Since these mistakes are common don't pound on yourself. You can admit mistakes to kids if you want like if have been returning fire with fire can apologize and promise you'll only talk when calm.
1. Reconsiliation needs to be fair
If parents don't realize this will demand too much from child
Expect nothing
Have unconditional love for child and YOU (He put a lot of emphasis on this part)
A. Dialouge with yourself 10 ways you're a good parent and person
B. Do something you enjoy
C. Limit the time you think about it
2. Motivate them through guilt (Said this is the biggest mistake)
Our EK are motivated by if relationship makes them feel good
Don't tell them how unhappy you are especially in the early stages
Don't tell about illness or at least not in a way that would guilt trip them into coming back
Don't critize spouses/ bf/gf
3. Ways we make amends
Do it in a nondefensive way. Don't say I did the best I could or You had it better than me
They will exagerate, but listen for the truth
Just say you're sorry
Pay attention and just stay focused on their perspective
Stay calm and interested in what they say
Realize most of the time they're just trying to seperate as an individual
Shy kids tend to blame parents the most. It's their way of proving they don't need a parent
4. Return Fire with Fire
Write or talk when you feel calm
5. Failing to see how long it takes
Most of the time they just give us "crumbs" and we have to take it slowly. If they come back don't talk about estrangement for at least a year or could cause them to leave again.
6. Assuming it's all about you
He said most of the time kids blame parents, but don't really believe it deep down. Pychologically most are just trying to figure things out about how to become independent
Since these mistakes are common don't pound on yourself. You can admit mistakes to kids if you want like if have been returning fire with fire can apologize and promise you'll only talk when calm.
I think I will print this out for when, and if I ever get the chance to use these suggestions.
Did anyone ever attend or buy his seminar on Daughter in laws? I'd be interested to see notes on that topic, or any of his other estrangement seminar topics. So wish I could afford to buy the series. I think He speaks my language. Thanks.
What we gleaned most from Dr. Coleman's teachings was that as parents if we hope to have any kind of relationship with our EC we must do EVERYTHING possible to appease them. Of all the sessions he presents I will say the one concerning DIL/SIL was probably the best of the series.
Some of his teachings were spot on, others too extreme i.e., in his allowing adult children to disrespect their parents. Since Dr. Coleman's experience with his estranged daughter was due to a divorce, we thankfully couldn't identify with as we've never experienced that. So, I believe he approaches estrangement more out of guilt than I feel is needed or necessary due to his divorce.
To be completely honest, I believe we've gotten better counsel right here on this forum.
Our EC are NOT allowed to rewrite their childhood history, nor beat us up for our past mistakes. We've apologized for those mistakes, real or imagined, and it hasn't done any good. When our EC DEMANDED we do this or that to be in relationship with them, we've told them bluntly they don't have that right.
Our EC will not sit on their self-righteous judgement seat and tell DH and I how we are to live our lives in order to be in relationship with them. Is it easy? ABSOLUTELY NOT! But, we will not/nor can not allow our 30's somethings telling us how WE will behave.
It has cost us dearly (estrangement from our 3 Grands) but we find comfort in KNOWING we loved our children unconditionally, brought them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord, and have apologized for our failures. Since they haven chosen this path of estrangement all we can do now is wait for them to mature, hopefully gain wisdom and experience the pain of life without their parental support system.
I would say what pains us most as their parents is watching our EC claim to be Christians but living in complete opposition to God's word. This is not how they were raised to honor and respect their parents.
What comes next are their decisions to make. Period.
May God have mercy on all us suffering parents.
I will absolutely NOT let my Son or DIL dictate how I will live my life. And as with everything else in Life,
We Must, and are called to hold everything accountable against the Word of God.
The word of God tells us that our Children should honor us. Not if we this , or when we that,
But simply to Honor us.
So, I disagree with the teaching from joshC. That says to follow them with everything they require. They need to Go to God First, and in that Act, they will then come to US with Honor I do believe that.(as LindaJ stated as well)
I would give up EVER seeing my Son again if it meant that He would GO to God. ,
But then realistically I know, if He does that, He will then return to Me. Because once He goes to God with His dishonor, God will Chasten it, and Require Him to turn His heart toward Gods Commandments.
I'm NOT saying that every EC here that is a Christian will be immediately following this Commandment.
But i do know IF They are seeking Gods Face, He will show them this.
All I need to do is to pray for that to happen in my Lifetime, and to Keep MYSELF accountable in thought word and deed according to the word of God. Then all falls into proper line.
The hard part is the timing is not what WE wish. But, God knows Best. Yes {ISing }...May God have Mercy on us All, and soothe our suffering hearts with HIS Love .
https://www.mcssl.com/content/109265/Transcript_Five_Mistakes_July_2011.pdf
(I have not read it so I can't comment on it yet)
Emails...letters...telephone...texts...EVERYTHING. If my EC don't care to communicate I will not waste my time, effort or energy. I say give them what they want. Of course, my EC are both in their 30's and have their own children and spouses to answer to.
But after nearly two years of this ridiculous behavior my philosophy is this: the harder you chase, the more they run away. For me all it did was cause more anxiety, anguish and sorrow so I had to stop this behavior for MYSELF.
I've tried the apology letter Dr. Coleman advised, that helped get me into counseling with ED but it didn't last because she didn't like what she was hearing and didn't hear what she wanted. ED put the brakes on the counseling and now we're at a complete standstill, right where we started.
So for us, the emails, the apology letter, the counseling (which we paid for, of course), telephone calls, even personal visits, nothing has made a difference.
We've even discussed our situation with our Adult EC youth minister from years past, and his advice was to leave them alone. They need to grow up and me chasing them keeps them distracted from that process.
I'm not in the "Parents Who Walk Away" crowd, but for now I'm giving my children what they want, separation from DH and I.
I'm also NOT in the "parents who walk away" group. I could never see myself ever doing that. I am forever an optimist, and hope for a better outcome in the future. There's always "hope" for those of us who believe in the "hope" as we know it in the Christian faith.
By the way, GuelsMom..thank you for the link that is permissible to copy. It was helpful.