CHRISTIAN PARENTS of ESTRANGED ADULT CHILDREN Community Group
Estrangement makes it difficult to talk about with family, friends, neighbors and church members. Christians are NOT immune to broken families. Talk about your experiences with those who know how you feel and get positive support through your Christian faith...."In these last days difficult times will come, for men will be lovers of self...disobedient to parents,...
My son ran away and moved in with his paternal grandparents a year ago Thursday. I tried to have him brought back home, since he was only seventeen at the time, but the law was not on my side. They said there was not much they could do other than charge him as a runaway. To make a long story short, his father was killed in a self induced accident when he was 8. He was an abusive alcoholic and was drunk the night he was in the car wreck driving. About a year and a half later I remarried to a wonderful, Christian man who has always treated my son as his own. They were very close. Close enough that my son asked me one day if he could call him "Dad". I told him he could call him whatever he wanted. We brought him up in a loving, Christian home, but always had conflict with his real fathers parents. They thought they should be entitled to see him any and all times they wanted. Because of their grief and I wanted my son to know his grandparents, we attended ALL birthdays, holidays, etc. with them and even went to the same Church. I continued to be a part of their family, even though I know it had to be awkward for my husband, but being the loving, gently man he is, he always attended too for my son's sake. His reason for leaving was because we took away his phone and truck for 3 days for taking off and not asking or telling us where he was going. He had done this numerous times and we finally put our foot down. Because he had gone out to eat with his "grandparents" unbeknownst to us, they took it as a personal attack on them. They have since convinced him that we mentally abused him and bullied him and that "they" are the only "real" family he has. I have continued to keep contact with him, but it is clear he doesn't want me in his life. Today, I sent him yet another message asking him when we could meet (just me and him) and talk. His response was "leave me alone. I stopped wanting to hear what you have to say a long time ago". We can't figure out what we have done so terribly wrong. He was NEVER abused (except the abuse he saw inflicted on me by his "real" father on his drunken rants) but certainly never by his step dad and me. I am so lost and confused. I even sent him a letter apologizing for anything I may have ever done to hurt him. Even though I am at a loss as to what that was. He hates me, hates his step dad and even hates his 1 year old sister! What has she ever done?!? I have tried and tried and tried to reach out to him, but it is apparent that he wants no part of me in his life. I know that the Grandparents feel like they have a second chance at their "son". They have never dealt with the guilt of how they raised him....his mother being an alcoholic and his father beating him and his mother. But "they" are the better parents apparently......we are the villians. I know that we have done nothing wrong enough to deserve this estrangement and I'm sure lies have been filled into his head. But it is still heartbreaking! If I knew what he is so upset about, I would try to fix it, own up to it and make amends, but he refuses to even talk to me!
Something that I noticed in your story was that your son has been gone for one year and that his little sister is one year old. Do you think that his issues could have anything to do with the birth of the baby?
Just wondering.
I don't have any answers for you, but it might be helpful for you to read through some of the posts and find what has helped others, and pick out what you think may help you, too. I am so grateful that you have the support of a loving husband, and the joy of a precious two year old daughter! What a joy she must be in the midst of your pain.
I still had three teens at home and had to move on, had to keep my sanity even when I thought I couldn't...I had to pray for my ED and my five grandchildren, who had been my life, when thoughts of them came to mind...but then turn them over to God and push them aside in order to keep my emotions from overtaking me.
It helps to know you are not alone. You don't deserve this and the injustice can eat you up inside...but you must remind yourself that there are no injustices with God, and that He sees your situation and your pain and will give you strength to see it through. He alone will make things right, now or in the next life...but He WILL make all things new, my sister. And, if the estrangement continues, it will get easier, at least a little. The pain will never go away, but it won't always be so raw.
Blessings and hugs to you...
He is 18, knows everything about life (?) and thinks this is great. But I assure you it will not last. Be patient and trust God.
Are you able to have a connection with your ex-inlaws? Perhaps thank them for taking such good care of our ES, so they will let down their guard and strong stand to keep him. And let your ES know you are glad his grandparents are helping him out but that you are his mother and you hope he will return to his own home. Just thoughts - I am not living your situation.
I am so sorry for your situation with your young son.
He is not on the street; and although his paternal parents are not perfect, I am sure they love him. They may not be the best role models, but he has known them all his life.
And you loved their son until you didn't. He obviously had his own demons that he could not overcome.
And your son has known you and your husband and the family you provided his whole life. He can look at both - what he has now and what he had before he left.
I would encourage you to continue to reach out to him via his paternal grandparents if necessary in a positive and loving way. I know that is very difficult, but I say remind him that you all miss him and love him. Invite him to family "things" and his paternal grandparents.
But do not accept his abuse of you, or your husband. If you reach out to him thru cards or letters or text messages, it will be a one way communication until he wants to become directly involved. However, you cannot allow him to be abusive, certainly not around your little daughter.
I know your heart is breaking. I know you do not deserve this ugliness. I know you are worried about him. The thing is, you have guided him, loved him, supported him his entire life and he has the tools you gave him. It is up to him to use them. It is up to him to discern his circumstances.
If his paternal grandparents become his enablers, there is nothing you can do. But you can reach out to him in a loving way, if abuse is not present, and please, in your mind, HAVE NO expectations of anything from him. Otherwise you will be heartbroken over and over.
He has made these choices and he must live with them, until and if he comes to an understanding of what taking responsibility for his own life means.
He has so many years ahead of him...so many choices and so many routes to take. Does he have a job, a car, a girl friend? Did he finish HS and can he get into college? Is college something he would consider?
Based upon what you wrote, he became angry and upset when you and your husband enacted boundaries upon him for HIS poor decisions. In other words, he got mad because you acted like parents.
How many children on the cuspid of adulthood do such things? How many decide to go off on their own? Again thank goodness he has a safe place with his paternal grandparents even though the best place for him is your home.
But may I remind you that his actions under your roof with his attitude would be a disaster! The turmoil he could create in your family would be very difficult. So may I say this, find a way to have harmony in your family inspite of his actions to leave and estrange you!
You cannot get back time. Time spent is time gone. You have a loving husband and I know an adorable beautiful little girl. They deserve your love, attention and joy. Don't let your son steal your joy.
You cannot control him. You cannot force him. But you can love him and try to forgive him, but accept no abuse toward you, your husband or your daughter. Abuse is something that only spews discord when trying to reach out to a loved one; and it is a clear indication of THEIR inability to hear you or see you!
My best regrads to you as you deal with this situation. And I find prayer to be very helpful when I am faced with some of my own distorted thinking....things like, was I a bad mother; what did I do to bring this on; why do I deserve this ugliness after all I have done......Yes, those thoughts that are generated from your own sense of uselessness in such a situation as you have right now. Distorted thinking for sure based upon your own description of what transpired. And wonder if you had not taken a stand with him in regards to his own decision to do what he did to bring on his decision to leave? You cannot become doormats and give up your resonsiblity as parents.
You know even Billy Graham's son was a thorn in his side for awhile! He became rebellious and a handfull. Really. And eventually he came to his senses. So rebellious is just something that can happen to anyone....even the Lord in his dealings with his beloved David. David who was given so much and even David rebelled against God who loved him deeply. Samuel the prophet was instrumental in actually telling David what was what when God turned away from David. And even David and Bathseba were faced with the ramifications of their choices. And you know, the Lord told David that his family would have continued discord because of David's actions.
So trying to rein in a disrespectful son and trying to lovingly guide such a son is what parents should do, especially those who are Christians.
Your son controls what he will do, will say, will be, will interpret, and will act! Not you, not his paternal grandparents, not your husband, not anyone, but perhaps the Lord! So accept the unacceptable and go on each day in spite of his behaviour.
And if necessary act the way you want to feel. I know that sounds strange, but if you want to be happy and can't, try acting happy! Make yourself push aside these heartfelt thoughts of loss and pain, if you can.
Of course most of us have to go thru a whole litany of emotions to get to the level of acceptance, we sometimes have to pull ourselves out of the mire and just do and think differently. I mean NO ONE wants to spend a lifetime wasted in a mire! Cognitive thinking can assist in pulling yourself from the mire...and it can help you from falling back in the pit.
Think of how you will respond to .....whatever you can envision before it happens. Think about the rejections you will face as you try to embrace him as a symtom of his own making.
But again act in love.
In my own life struggle with my ED, I have reached out to her in notes and such when I have sent little gifts to my grandchildren. Always wishing her and my SIL well, telling her that I love them all, and saying I hope the little ones would enjoy my gifts. Sending her some little gifts too when she was just about ready to go to the hospital to have my granddaughter last month.
I always send love. But I do not accept abuse. I had several texts about forgiveness with her concerning HIS family, my SIL's and that just made her so angry. She ranted and ranted at me. I just told her that her anger and hatred would eat her alive and it was not beneficial for her, or her family. Oh did that make her furious.
I reminded her that her husband was loved by his family before she came on the scene and that they loved her little boy and the little girl coming. I told her that both her children deserved to know their paternal family as much as their maternal family! She told me she never wanted to talk to me again.
Well when she was ready to have the baby, my SIL's mother went to Montana to help with the little boy age 2. His paternal grandmother went, inspite of the ugliness my ED had shown her....and this Christain woman went and was there. And my daughter actually had some nice things to say about her mother in law. So my ED's heart may be softening. I pray that it will.
But how can I accept my daughter and not feel reproach? or anger? I have to remember the happy times we had, and I have to forgive her..and when I reach out to her, I have to do it in love.
I truly believe my daughter has distorted thinking and anger issues of someone with a sense of entitlement. So she is now living in the scarceness of rural Montana away from all family except her very own. I pray that she will continue to grow as a person and come to appreciate her and his family. And I pray with God's favor there will be some restitution in the years to come. However, I cannot live my life waiting for such in order to be happy. What a waste that will be!
So I do my best. I have already gotten Kaari's Christmas presents and I am working on Wolfgang's and I take joy in finding little unique things for them to enjoy. I will find little books and crayons to send to Wolfgang to enjoy. And that makes me happy...even if I don't hear from her.
But again I did hear from her....and you know back when she got really mad at me about my suggesting forgiveness, she told me she had sent me a thank you note for some things I had sent Wolfgang, but told me to ignore her thank you note. So when I received it this past February 2013, I just sent it back to her.
Well, she actually sent me a lovely note in May 2013 for some gifts I had sent Kaari. And she wished me a Happy Mother's Day 2013. So even a stone of a heart that she has developed toward me had some softness. But again I will not accept abuse, period.
I hope my post has been helpful for you.
God Bless, Claudiajane