CHRISTIAN PARENTS of ESTRANGED ADULT CHILDREN Community Group
Estrangement makes it difficult to talk about with family, friends, neighbors and church members. Christians are NOT immune to broken families. Talk about your experiences with those who know how you feel and get positive support through your Christian faith...."In these last days difficult times will come, for men will be lovers of self...disobedient to parents,...
I joined another support group and this group was suggest to me.
Please pray for my daughter...
My daughter picked up and moved out of the state last July 2011. She quit her job and moved to NY for a man she met on the internet. When she started talking to him she stopped talking to me. She struggled finding a job and has now spent all of her savings (approx $9K) sold her car TWICE to downgrade. She had a 2010 SUV paid for. She has made up a story about her childhood that is not based in reality. When she first left I was devastated. I cried and cried and tried to figure out what I could have done differently. I mourned her loss as if she died. It took me some time to let go and let things be as they may (as I have no control over it).
After months went by I would still occasionally be sad thinking about her what she has done with her life, wondering if she is ok, wishing things were the way they use to be. Now the thoughts are back almost daily. It is so hard to push her out of my mind. I have always kept her in my prayers and the thought that the Lord will take care of her and things will work out. But lately it has been rough. I want to send her a card to tell her I will always be here for her but not sure if that will spark another fight. Her new boyfriend answers my emails to her as if she is writing them. I fear that he is an abuser as most of the signs are there - - isolating her, moving her away from her friends and family, he appears to her to be the "knight in shinging armour."
I mentioned I posted this note in another forum. I think the consensus is that I just need to let go and not reach out to her right now. I wrote her an email at Easter - wishing her a Happy Easter but hadn't sent anything for a while before that. I never heard back from her.
Most of the emails she has sent in the past are either asking for help with something or they are spiteful responses to my emails. She told me I was trying to "guilt her." If she feels guilty (and she should) I believe it is "God speak." Unfortunately she isn't open to listening.
I am so embarassed that I have a child that would 1) treat me this way 2) act as she is. Few people know that she is estranged.
When she left here she had a good job, new car that was paid for, no debt and money in the bank. Now it is the opposite. I figured when she ran out of money it might bring her home - instead she sold her car to pay off debt (twice) not sure what she can do any more.
Sorry if this sounds like random thoughts - just trying to get it out.
Thanks
Please pray for my daughter...
My daughter picked up and moved out of the state last July 2011. She quit her job and moved to NY for a man she met on the internet. When she started talking to him she stopped talking to me. She struggled finding a job and has now spent all of her savings (approx $9K) sold her car TWICE to downgrade. She had a 2010 SUV paid for. She has made up a story about her childhood that is not based in reality. When she first left I was devastated. I cried and cried and tried to figure out what I could have done differently. I mourned her loss as if she died. It took me some time to let go and let things be as they may (as I have no control over it).
After months went by I would still occasionally be sad thinking about her what she has done with her life, wondering if she is ok, wishing things were the way they use to be. Now the thoughts are back almost daily. It is so hard to push her out of my mind. I have always kept her in my prayers and the thought that the Lord will take care of her and things will work out. But lately it has been rough. I want to send her a card to tell her I will always be here for her but not sure if that will spark another fight. Her new boyfriend answers my emails to her as if she is writing them. I fear that he is an abuser as most of the signs are there - - isolating her, moving her away from her friends and family, he appears to her to be the "knight in shinging armour."
I mentioned I posted this note in another forum. I think the consensus is that I just need to let go and not reach out to her right now. I wrote her an email at Easter - wishing her a Happy Easter but hadn't sent anything for a while before that. I never heard back from her.
Most of the emails she has sent in the past are either asking for help with something or they are spiteful responses to my emails. She told me I was trying to "guilt her." If she feels guilty (and she should) I believe it is "God speak." Unfortunately she isn't open to listening.
I am so embarassed that I have a child that would 1) treat me this way 2) act as she is. Few people know that she is estranged.
When she left here she had a good job, new car that was paid for, no debt and money in the bank. Now it is the opposite. I figured when she ran out of money it might bring her home - instead she sold her car to pay off debt (twice) not sure what she can do any more.
Sorry if this sounds like random thoughts - just trying to get it out.
Thanks
•Everyone here has at least two things in common- we have experienced the same devastation, and we have the same hope! PSM 119:81 "My soul fainteth for thy salvation, but I have put my hope in thy Word."
God's word says all things are possible to those who believe, (Matt 19:26) and in Isa 58:12 niv- "we shall be called the repairer of the breach".
I don't think that anything I could ever do would repair the breach EXCEPT to partner in prayer with God for His will to be done. Only He could save our souls and only He can salvage my life.
Should we try to reach out ECs thru cards and letters? I humbly offer you my point of view to consider, but you must do what the Lord is leading you to do right now. Someday, when He knows the time is right, He may lead me to be the one who reaches out, but I don't think I am being lead that way right now. Here is a re-post of my view that I posted on that other site:
The prodigal son took what he wanted and left his father. Estranged him. We see no record of the father chasing after the son, sending cards or gifts either. But when the son "came to his senses" and decided to humble himself and go home, his father was watching for him because he saw him "afar off". And I can just see him pulling up his sari so he could jump off that porch and run as fast as he could to his son.
I have made no attempt to make contact of any kind in 4 yrs, but when my kids come home, I will run out to meet them! All forgiven, all forgotten. I not saying there won't be long talks, maybe counseling, to work things out, but my child is my child no matter what!
Just alittle side note-In this illustration from the Bible, the father in the story represents God the father, we are the prodigal son. Although God walked in the garden, etc... the only time we ever see God depicted as 'running'- it is when He sees his prodigal coming home.
I'm so sorry you have to be here, but God will use this storm to draw you close, comfort you and teach you. Painful? yes,but in the end it will work for good.
Warrior thankyou for sharing God's view on this. Blessings and healing to you.
I love God for giving me such wonderful sisters in Christ.
I am so sorry about your ED. It really pains us as parents to watch our kids make such dreadful decisions such as your ED is making. We base our concerns on our lifetime experiences of lessons learned and our knowledge of God's Word. Unfortunately, when they reach a certain age, they are free to make the same mistakes we might have made that sent us to the School of Hard Knocks.
I know that when I was in my early 20's I did exactly what your ED did - did not inform my mom of some of my.....umm...escapades? Why? I KNEW what she would have to say about it and I simply did not want to hear it!! I KNEW I was not living the Christian life; I was walking in the wilderness for 40 years, so to speak. Eat, drink and be merry; isn't that was life is supposed to be in the 20's? Isn't everybody doing this at 20? Why should I be different? If I had enough money, believe me, I would have left home in a heartbeat too! Not because my parents were dysfunctional, but because I did not want to have to answer to anyone. Sad, but true.
That's the way I thought and acted at that age. I was the classic prodigal child. It was not until I had tried all of those things that I realized just how empty and meaningless my life had really been. It is hell on earth for the parents to know all these things but the truth is, we have to let them do it. If and when the opportunity arises, our parental rights says that we can certainly try and get them to see the futility of their actions but bottom line is, they will either listen, ignore or become entirely estranged.
If there is any way that you can keep communication up, I would not abandon her entirely because of the way she is acting. She is not being abusive to you and is not ruining your life, she is ruining her own. If the time ever comes and she has her "wake-up" call, would it not be better to have her knowing that you will be there for her just as the Prodigal Father did in scripture. After his son repented and was on his way home, his Father ran to him with open arms when he saw him from a distance.
Stick with us and we will stick with you through the good times and the bad times too.
God Bless
I am torn between sending her a card with a simple "I will always be here for you" or just keeping silent. I picked up a book called For Mothers of Difficult Daughters. I am not sure I agree with the author on several points. One thing she said is that the parent played a part in the separation. I am not sure I am ready to accept any blame. I was so upset, shaken, bereaved and angry when she first left it took me a while to really forgive her. She, however - doesn't feel the need to be forgiven she doesn't see that she did anything wrong.
She was living in a townhouse that I bought to rent to her for half of the market price and less than the mortgage. She up and left most of her belongings behind and the house needed a lot of repair. It took me six weeks of packing and fixing to get it ready to rent again. The carpet had to be replaced, it needed painting and the HVAC had to be replaced because she never changed the filters. Besides the emotional and financial toll it took on me all of my spare time was spent packing, cleaning or supervising contractors. It was all so overwhelming. I took a photo of the truck from salvation army that was full of her furniture (most I had given her) and all of the household items and a photo of the HUGE trash pile and sent them to her via text. I probably shouldn't have done it but I was in the "really mad" phase.
As Warrier Nanny said I just have to remember that I have to wait for God's will to be done which is what I pray for every night. It is just hard to sit and wait and wonder and worry.
Again, thanks for all of the reponses. It does help for me to at least have a forum to vent my feelings. As I said I feel humiliated by the circumstance I find myself in. :(
They are so rejecting of our love for them...but we need to understand that they are "adults" and we cannot live out their lives for them...as much as we would like to.
In my case, our ES now almost 30 years old, has completely turned his back on his entire family, (myself (his Mom) , my husband (his Dad) and his sister and brother)
My husband & I have been completely devastated over this "cutting-off"...it's driving us to draw closer to God and each other. We are going through the grieving processes, especially over not having our baby grandson around occasionally, to love, to cherish, to spoil...We never saw this coming!
So sorry to hear about the financial losses you experienced because of your ED..
Life is so tragic most of the time...nothing about our estrangement stories are good, except that as Christians, we can pray for them and we can learn to "lean" on our loving, capable God, who promises every day to be with us through the pain, and through all the changes in our hearts as we work through this loss. Keep seeking others out, who understand your pain...we do here, and most of us can encourage you because we have been encouraged.
It is obvious that you have turned your head and heart away from God and the devil has entered your soul. I hope you have the courage and the will to fight the devil. You were raised to have faith, to believe in God and the miracles he provides.
We all love you and want the best for you. We want to see you happy and thriving. Not struggling day to day.
Proverbs 13:20 He who walks with the wise grows wise, but a companion of fools suffers harm.