Tell him no!

Gordos...you answered your own dillema..."I don't want to give him any money and don't want him coming to my house so I can take more abuse." If you are afraid to tell him no...tell us, and we will pray about it.

Thank you momindeep. I feel like I should be a little "grateful" that he even contacted me & I might be passing up a chance to mend things. Deep in my heart, I dont think that would happen...just confused...

You may be passing up a chance to mend things so if the money is not a problem then I would take him in and love him, isnt that the story of the prodigal son?

You may be passing up a chance to mend things so if the money is not a problem then I would take him in and love him, isnt that the story of the prodigal son?

You may be passing up a chance to mend things so if the money is not a problem then I would take him in and love him, isnt that the story of the prodigal son?

gordos, My personal feeling about giving money to our kids, estranged or not, is to consider the personalities, the reasons for the money, the circumstances as to whether or not the need was of their own poor choices or whether or not it was a sudden unexpected and dire need. Also to consider is whether or not their asking is a habit and you have become their enabler. In addition, how do they treat you when you do give them money? Are they appreciative only for the moment or are they appreciative at all times?

You say you don't want to give him any money so I assume that you have good reason to believe it would not be in either yours or your son's best interest. So, I would find a way to kindly explain to him that you no longer will be the cash register with an open drawer for him to reach into and then abuse you verbally or physically and that he needs to seek help for those issues.

If you also do not want him coming to your house because of his abuse then by all means don't. You do not indicate that he is displaying any indications of remorse for past treatment of you as did the prodigal son did when returning to the father. Repentance and heartfelt apologies should be a priority before continued abuse and financial dependence on you when he needs to earn his own living and how to live within his own means because one day you will no longer be on earth and available at his beck-and-call to provide those things for him that he should be doing on his own.

My suggestion would be to tell him that you would like to see him and to discuss these things at dinner on his way through - whether that is at the hotel he will be staying at or at the airport. If it is only about the money and a free nights stay that he wants, he will probably turn down the offer to meet you. In that case, you have saved yourself a lot of potential grief.

God Bless,
GuelsMom

Guelsmom,
Yes, I admit, I have given him ALOT of money in the past. He always seems to know when I can afford to do so. He is nice for a couple of weeks, & then the verbal garbage starts all over again. I am tired of it & can't afford to right now, so I will not be giving him any money. He also doesnt agree with the way my husband & I have raised our youngest son..he is very judgemental about that. He seems to be forgetting what he was like when he was 19. I am not in the mood to have yet another Thanksgiving ruined. I have prayed & my gut feeling is, it would not turn out well. I sent him a text & told him if he can come without being judgemental & curb his tongue, then we would welcome a visit. Otherwise, he can stay in Omaha....pray Im making the right decision here. THank you for your input, I great appreciate it!

gordos...I think that was a fine solution to your situation. You gave him your guidelines and expectations. I think sometimes we want to placate our EC so as not to rock the boat....but I believe that that may cause them to remain in their stronghold and encouraging bad behavior.

Just my humble opinion.

I think I must just be in a totally different situation or spirit then most here as I can only think of how much I have been forgiven and how Jesus had open arms for us always. I guess I have to ask what would He do ? While God also lays out His guidelines He does not however turn away from us when we do not follow them, just my own thought but then my ed and I have no contact and I guess that was what a ec relationship was like, void of contact. Maybe I should reread the sites structure and what constitutes a ec.

kimmylee...I completely respect your thoughts and am glad that you felt free to voice a differing opinion here - although I don't see a great deal of opposing views at this time. However, you do bring up some valid points for discussion and perhaps there could/should be an independent topic started. We'll see how it goes.

You raised a few questions and so I though I would reply by separating them.

1- I think I must just be in a totally different situation or spirit then most here as I can only think of how much I have been forgiven and how Jesus had open arms for us always. I guess I have to ask what would He do?

2- God also lays out His guidelines He does not however turn away from us when we do not follow them,.....

3- my ed and I have no contact and I guess that was what a ec relationship was like, void of contact. Maybe I should reread the sites structure and what constitutes a ec.
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1- As Christians we are certainly obligated to forgive others who sin against us when they are repentant if we are to expect God to forgive us when we sin against Him but gordos' son does not seem to be repentant, apologetic or remorseful about anything he does to her. His expressions of kindness are only to get things from her and return to prior treatment. Now, when I read scripture about forgiveness, there are many "gloss-over" references to forgiveness as well as some more "detailed" references.

~ "..... if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive." (Col 3:13)
~ "Pay attention to yourselves! If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him, and if he sins against you seven times in the day, and turns to you seven times, saying, ‘I repent,’ you must forgive him.” (Luke 17:3–4)

I think that the most important word in Col. v. 13 is the word "as." How was I forgiven? If I murder someone intentionally, am I immediately forgiven by God without asking or showing any remorse for my behavior? No, I don't think Col v. 13 is saying that at all. If that were the cause, the word "because" would have been used instead of "as." I take the word "as" to mean "in the same manner" .....as in..."in the same manner that Christ forgave you, so you must forgive those who have offended you."

If Col. v. 13 were intended to mean that we are to forgive without any remorse being shown then it would be a contradiction of Jesus' commandments in Luke 17:3-4 where it clearly states that repentance is a condition of forgiveness.

The following is from Clarke's Commentary on the Bible...........

"Forgiving one another -
If ye receive offense, be instantly ready to forgive on the first acknowledgment of the fault.

Even as Christ forgave you -
Who required no satisfaction, and sought for nothing in you but the broken, contrite heart, and freely forgave you as soon as you returned to Him. No man should for a moment harbour ill will in his heart to any; but the offended party is not called actually to forgive, till the offender, with sorrow, acknowledges his fault. He should be ready to forgive, and while he is so, he can neither feel hatred nor malice towards the offender; but, as Christ does not forgive us till with penitent hearts we return unto him, acknowledging our offenses, so those who have trespassed against their neighbor are not to expect any act of forgiveness from the person they have injured, till they acknowledge the offense. Forgive, says the apostle, καθως και ο Χριστος even as Christ forgave you - show the same disposition and the same readiness to forgive your offending brethren, as Christ showed towards you.
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Due to length already, I'm going to make 2 & 3 short.

2- I'm not sure of what you mean by this....Do you mean those who do not follow Jesus because the are not born-again Christians?

3- The definition of 'estranged child' means different things to different people. To me it means no contact (or very little), complete silence (or bare minimum), and refusal to discuss or resolve the differences. But, others may feel as though the relationship is in such a state that the disharmony borders on estrangement. I see those as ones who are really not 'estranged' but are really 'e-strained.'

In this group, I don't squabble about the differences. If I, or anyone else on here can help anyone live in peace with their children then I feel that is more important and is what Jesus would want us to do here.

kimmylee...I understand what you are saying...I do. I was in the same mind-set as you several years ago. I have been estranged from my daughter twice and lessons from the first time is what causes me to think differently than you. I too, did anything to reform contact with her to enable me to not only have a relationship with her, but my two grandkids.

I let her act badly...I didn't call her out on it and when her father told her enough was going to be enough,,,either step up or we would have to move on without her...she came back to a certain degree. It lasted several years...but it was like things weren't right between us and I always had the nagging feeling in the back of my mind that she would do it again...but I didn't want to think on it overly much, so I didn't.

She did it again...for what reason? ...I think it is because I never told her the first time how unacceptable it was to do what she did and it wasn't okay to treat her folks like that. I didn't want to rock the boat and have the hard conversation with her...I knew probably, if I did she would walk.

I realized that it wasn't the loving thing to do...not to speak of it...I didn't do her any favors by not calling out bad behaviors...and it in turn gave her the opportunity to remain where she was in her wrong thinking and actions.

Just because I take a different approach to how I view things, doesn't automatically mean I haven't forgiven my EC. I have and do forgive them...I believe it is a continuing process when you are in the thick of things...but as their parent, I have an obligation to not support behavior that isn't pleasing to us as parents, nor pleasing to the Lord.

This, in the end, when the dust settles, isn't about me or my husband...nor about my EC...it is about Him. My greatest desire is that my children are saved. My greatest desire is to glorify the Lord and be pleasing to Him. The Lord had the hard conversations when He was here...He told many and sometimes not so gently, they were wrong...and that was a loving thing to do...just because the Truth can be harsh at times, doesn't mean it isn't a lovingkindness to speak it.

Do you feel uncomfortable when your son is around? Do you give in to his wishes to avoid a situation? Do you want to live your life without all the drama? You don't have to answer, just think, what do you want, what will make you happy. Just because he's your son, you don't have to take abuse from him or anyone, he should remember "Honor thy Father and Mother". the Prodigal son asked his Father for forgiveness.

It breaks our hearts when our EC act like they are due everything, I think back to my childhood when adults were respected.

I hope it works out to what you desire, for your happiness and your DH and other son