CHRISTIAN PARENTS of ESTRANGED ADULT CHILDREN Community Group
Estrangement makes it difficult to talk about with family, friends, neighbors and church members. Christians are NOT immune to broken families. Talk about your experiences with those who know how you feel and get positive support through your Christian faith...."In these last days difficult times will come, for men will be lovers of self...disobedient to parents,...
My ED and I have been exchanging some emails. Very surface topics for her. She wrote me before Christmas and said that her and her husband had been praying about a Christmas call, and then maybe one of the 3 grandchildren might send us a drawing occasionally. She wanted to know what I thought. Of course my heart did a happy dance at the thought of a Christmas call, for I had been praying too. However, the way this was delivered just felt uncomfortable. It was like now they will 'grant us' a call and an occasional drawing from one granddaughter. I prayed about it and wrote back.
I told her that I hoped she heard my heart and love in my response. I told her that my heart did a happy dance with the mention of a Christmas call. I said how much I love them and miss all of them. I also said I looked forward to the day where we could just call one another whenever we wanted, it didn't have to be scheduled (I have tried on occasion to call, but she won't answer)
Then I said that I had some concerns in that I have talked to other parents who have had this 'no contact' situation, and if things get bumpy, their children use the 'no contact' as a solution to the issues. I said that I did not want that pain again, and that we did not want the grandchildren to have grandparents who were there, then there weren't..it wouldn't be fair to them or us. I said that I would always answer a call or an email or a text, but wondered if maybe we should just talk on the phone first, since the issue started with an email I sent to just her. (the issue was an email in which I said I felt bad that I was not recognized on Mother's Day). I also suggested that perhaps we could write about the issue. I asked her to pray about it. I mentioned what the therapist told us the one time we went to the therapist together, ED, her hub, my hub and me, he said that if we did not talk about the issue that caused the fracture, it was bound to be repeated out of ignorance. She had agreed to go to the therapy session I set up, but talked about vague things and wouldn't allow us to get into the issue..she said we were taking baby steps (very peculiar... baby steps to what, I wanted to know)..anyway...
My ED wrote back that she would have to take time, pray and listen before she would write back and that it would have to be after Christmas as she was busy...this was about 4 days before Christmas,but told me not to be discouraged.. So I have waited and waited,no response yet. She has done this several times to me. I think it is very controlling. I think she is angry that her plans didn't go her way. We still don't understand why all this happened, and its like she wants to bury it...we wonder why? It seemed like she escalated something that didn't have to be until it got to the point of silence....we have tried to figure it out, but never have and she won't talk.
I dearly would love a call, but both myself and hub feel we don't want to be under this control...we would love to hear her tell us she is very sorry for this whole thing and that she will never cut us off from her and the grandchildren again. We feel very afraid to engage without knowing what the issue was...as she has cut us off twice now. and then this whole thing where she cannot respond to me for weeks and leaves me hanging....I would like feedback on how to reply to this delay...it seems very disrespectful...like I don't matter to even write back to...help
I told her that I hoped she heard my heart and love in my response. I told her that my heart did a happy dance with the mention of a Christmas call. I said how much I love them and miss all of them. I also said I looked forward to the day where we could just call one another whenever we wanted, it didn't have to be scheduled (I have tried on occasion to call, but she won't answer)
Then I said that I had some concerns in that I have talked to other parents who have had this 'no contact' situation, and if things get bumpy, their children use the 'no contact' as a solution to the issues. I said that I did not want that pain again, and that we did not want the grandchildren to have grandparents who were there, then there weren't..it wouldn't be fair to them or us. I said that I would always answer a call or an email or a text, but wondered if maybe we should just talk on the phone first, since the issue started with an email I sent to just her. (the issue was an email in which I said I felt bad that I was not recognized on Mother's Day). I also suggested that perhaps we could write about the issue. I asked her to pray about it. I mentioned what the therapist told us the one time we went to the therapist together, ED, her hub, my hub and me, he said that if we did not talk about the issue that caused the fracture, it was bound to be repeated out of ignorance. She had agreed to go to the therapy session I set up, but talked about vague things and wouldn't allow us to get into the issue..she said we were taking baby steps (very peculiar... baby steps to what, I wanted to know)..anyway...
My ED wrote back that she would have to take time, pray and listen before she would write back and that it would have to be after Christmas as she was busy...this was about 4 days before Christmas,but told me not to be discouraged.. So I have waited and waited,no response yet. She has done this several times to me. I think it is very controlling. I think she is angry that her plans didn't go her way. We still don't understand why all this happened, and its like she wants to bury it...we wonder why? It seemed like she escalated something that didn't have to be until it got to the point of silence....we have tried to figure it out, but never have and she won't talk.
I dearly would love a call, but both myself and hub feel we don't want to be under this control...we would love to hear her tell us she is very sorry for this whole thing and that she will never cut us off from her and the grandchildren again. We feel very afraid to engage without knowing what the issue was...as she has cut us off twice now. and then this whole thing where she cannot respond to me for weeks and leaves me hanging....I would like feedback on how to reply to this delay...it seems very disrespectful...like I don't matter to even write back to...help
Give her some more space. Let her make the next move. When she does email, keep with what you want and that is a phone call. If she sends you an email, write back and say you will give her a call later, and see if she answers the phone.
Gosh - who said it would be easy when these kids became adults. Now they are living in an "entitlement" world where they are the boss.
Sending prayers your way.
After prayer, you can do as the Lord is leading you. You may feel led to wait to hear from ED first or you may feel led to give her a New Year's call.
All of our journeys are different but it seems in most true reconciliations there is repentance on the part of the EC. Isn't that the Biblical way?
I like the idea of calling her ... Am thinking on waiting until she replies, then instead of writing a response just saying I will give her a call. If she doesn't answer just leave a message for her to call back and put it back on her.
I will pray about this. Thank you for the feedback.