annabelle.....Your post absolutely blew my mind. I could have written this word for word myself - and probably would have in about 3 weeks when my son turns 36. My son is one month older than yours and we are going through almost the exact same thing in estrangement. Five years this past July too. Apologies are accepted but then it's the same old same old thing all over again.

Births?I got a call the day after our second grandchild was born - after everyone else was told. I too sent cards, email all phone calls but finally gave up for the most part. I am where you are today and thoughts about a letter in a card is what I have been thinking of doing this birthday. Not sure yet though.

I don't have any suggestions for you other than to do what is best for you. I know Dr. Coleman suggest we keep on doing those things but it does hurt when there is nothing in response time after time. If someone is that uncaring then why bother I often ask myself.

I'm sorry you are going through this too. When will they ever wake up?

Oh Mattie and Anna, I know exactly how you two feel. Its almost four years for me, I saw her a few times in family functions but when I had seen her, she would be civil for the most part, but at the end, she would sabotage any success of moving forward. In front of others, she has literally yelled at me, blindsiding me. She finally sent me an email back in April why she is not sure if she wants anything to do with me. Maybe I should post it. haha But we end up back to where we were ESTRANGEMENT We start all over again...no talking. Last time I saw her in person was two years ago.

Although I like Dr. Coleman, I don't always agree with his views. Some I take, and some I question. At this time I decided to stop writing, and trying to reconcile because the rejection was too difficult, and it was bringing me down too much. And really, there was nothing more I could say. So if I did write, It would be in regards to what I am doing, and what is going on, etc...something off the subject of estrangement. I have done the crumbling, pleading, crying, you name it. No response. Doesn't care.

I find that when I gave myself some time to take care of me, I was able to regain my strength. I found myself not missing her so much. The "missing her" was more controlled with my emotions. I allowed myself to miss her but not to let her destroy me.

Our children will break our hearts, but they should not be allowed to stomp on them. And Jesus wants our children to see our strength and not weakness because of what they do to us. It is never too late to show your strength, even after showing weakness. I am not saying this with bitterness or hatred. I Love my daughter, but I also know her. And she Loves this distance because it gives her control. Control over herself, and control over me. She is holding the cards, and I folded! But there should be a boundary.

Protect your heart and your joy! Stonewalling can be devastating, cruel, and degrading. If taking a break helps, its ok. Any time, year, month or any day you can write them. Our ED's are not sitting at home waiting for our emails or cards. And they are not crying either.

I have not sent presents, or cards to her for quite some time. But I do have a ring I bought her two years ago and when God says send it, I will. I wait for His timing now. Until then, I'm learning to love myself through God's eyes and how He sees me and defines me. Not others or my children. I Love them, but can't let them drain me.

Hang in there you two... God can turn this around.

Love and Blessings to two beautiful sisters.

Pearl

Isnt' it funny how we don't feel quite as bad when we do not have to deal with birthdays and holidays? Then when they come around it feels like we've made little or no progress in our situations. All those familiar emotions and hurts come creeping back into our hearts and minds. I think I have resolved in my mind that this happens, and probably will always happen, because we are still "moms" inspite of our estrangements.

I have mentioned in other posts that I may not send ES a Christmas card but I cannot stop sending birthday cards. Simple ones, not alot of words, sometimes blank and I write something simple. The day we gave birth to our children (estranged or not) will always be a special event...one we both shared in...and I always want to acknowledge that time. I also know from my SIL, who does not have a relationship with his alcoholic mother, that he hurts when that birthday card does not come, although it is his choice not to have a relationship with her. Strange isn't it? They (and I guess, us, also) will always have a childlike desire within, even if we never admit it.

Sorry for rambling, but I honestly believe there is something to sending a birthday card and sending it with no expectations, just acknowledging our child's birth and our connection which can never be taken away.

My heart goes out to you, Annabelle, as we all have felt the pain of being left out of our loved ones lives and what should be celebrations. I think by not sending a card this year, you may be providing some food for thought for your ES and changing the dynamics a little. Can't hurt to try something different, right? You are entitled to take a less painful path if it is available and by not sending a card you are doing that.

Although I did not give birth to my ED, I know her BD was and probably still is very important to her. This year, it was also on the 5-month anniversary of our estrangement. (Now there's another momentus event that I mentally track as an "anniversary" - the estrangement itself.) On her BD this year, I just sent an email wishing her a happy BD and she then promptly closed the email account. So I guess she replied! I have spoken with her several times since then and I never asked her how her BD went, although I can guess it was pretty low key and I'm quite sure she got very little, maybe nothing, in the gift dept. It breaks my heart to see how little she has and it hurts to know that she prefers to live her life in abject poverty rather than have me in her life on any significant basis. I am ever hopeful that God will change us both so we can fully appreciate each other and enjoy this thing called life with a loving family bond restored.

I was reading a series of postings online of many mothers struggling from the rejection of their adult children- mothers who had spent their lives on these adult children and were being mistreated and taken for granted in various ways. Then there was this posting that was in stark contrast- it started by saying something like this- "I was not a good mother. I left my children's father against their wishes." (I think it was for another man). She went on to say, "My children always have treated me with love and respect. If they didn't I wouldn't have anything to do with them." Now I'm not advocating what she did, or the extreme statement she made, but what she shared did give me pause in realizing the value of drawing a line of respect. Her children have ALWAYS treated her with love and respect. Wow. She has 4 adult children.

Today is my daughters 28th birthday. I haven't seen her in about 3 years. Her 7 year old daughter hasn't seen in her just as long. I struggle between longing to have my daughter in my life and being so upset for my precious granddaughter. Why won't she wake up?

Oh greeen I am so sorry this is happening to you. There is so much sadness in such a short post....

- Haven't seen your daughter for 3 years!
- She hasn't seen her own daughter for 3 years too!
- How sad your GD must be!

The good thing I see is that your grandaughter is with someone that does love her and is giving her security and God's love. Your influence on your daughter may be what God wants for her right now. If the daughter can't provide a good safe environment then to be with you until she does wake up and smell the roses, it may be the best thing for her for the time being.

Keep posting and talking about it. It truly helps.
God Bless, and glad you are here but not glad about the reason you had to come.

My EC's b-day is coming up and I go through the same emotions. So, I look at it this way now, if my EC ignores my b-day cards, he has to live with that. If you feel its too hard to send a card, then honor your feelings. Yes, it hurts to have our cards, calls, emails go unanswered, but I try to remind myself that its not about me. Its about them. They have that bitterness in their hearts. I don't. This year, I am going to call and sing happy b-day. My EC can tune that out LOL. Thanksgiving and X-mas I will call an invite each year and if my EC ignores that, that's another my EC has to live with. I'll still enjoy my turkey with all the trimmings. Also, the devil loves to play games with us and our children, but God is greater.

Maria....I LOVE your attitude AND your approach to your sons estrangement with you!! I agree totally that loving cards, loving calls and loving invites are all ways to show your love for your son and your willingness to have a "normal" relationship with him. His lifestyle is so opposite of love that it has to cause him to think once in a while that there has to be a better way than the way he is living.

Also, we DO need to keep in mind that it is "them" that has chosen to "hold bitterness in their hearts." We, as Christians, do not need to display that same degree of bitterness in return. If we continue to do the things we did before estrangement, like invites to Thanksgiving and sending cards, then we send a message that it was not us that changed, it was them. Continuing to live life as a normal human being shows them that it is their life that is not normal.

I think my biggest regret through this whole thing was in not continuing on as you did in the beginning - although with us it was different. We, on the other hand, were told by our DIL not to send anything...."because it reminded her of us when she had to look at them." We respected the request, but my regret was in stopping the calls and the cards to my son. I don't believe she had the right to do that. In doing so, it just widened the gap and the longer it went on, the harder it seems to narrow the gap that continues to grow each and every day that goes by.

As far as the singing goes for your sons B-Day??? You go "diva" in the making!! LOL...I think that is a really, cool idea!!! In my case, with MY VOICE???? It would only seal my fate forever!!!

Thanks GuelsMom. I get discouraged by my EC's estrangement and I have had my heart stomped on many times by my EC and agree with Pearl that we can't allow them to stomp on our hearts. We can love with boundaries. To me, the boundary for estrangement is to let them own it. Like you say, we can continue to act without bitterness, because we are not in that bondage. We are in the light of faith.

Marie....I too agree with reasonable boundaries. However, I also believe that sometimes those "boundaries" can easily become "barriers" to progress. Where is that fine line? I wish I had enough wisdom to know "exactly" where it was so I wouldn't always have to be concerned about crossing it.

annabelle, how are you doing? As I read in your post, you seem to be ready to move on with your life and have accepted that, after 5 years of trying, your sons is not going to respond. I know for me, when "that day" of acceptance and realization of what "seems" to be the reality of the situation (without Divine Intervention)was that it was not going to. Five years of heartbreak can wear anyone down. Stick with us. We can help you through this change in the "new reality" and the sadness that this phase brings with it. Acceptance does allow you to "begin" to move on but the awakening itself brings on a form of depression for a while. At least it did for me. Just as one watches a slow death of one suffering from cancer and the sadness that goes along with that process, we feel the same sorrow until the end result cannot be denied.

"But they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength,
they shall mount up with wings like eagles,
they shall run and not be weary,
they shall walk and not faint." (Isaiah 40:31)

My prayers are with you in this. God Bless!