CHRISTIAN PARENTS of ESTRANGED ADULT CHILDREN Community Group

Estrangement makes it difficult to talk about with family, friends, neighbors and church members. Christians are NOT immune to broken families. Talk about your experiences with those who know how you feel and get positive support through your Christian faith...."In these last days difficult times will come, for men will be lovers of self...disobedient to parents,...

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/ CHRISTIAN PARENTS of ESTRANGED ADULT CHILDREN Support Group

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poodlegirl61
poodlegirl61
I joined the regular parents of estranged children yesterday. I did not know about this group. My story is a terrible one. I am a mother of 4 children, (boy,boy,girl,boy) and our second son is the estranged one. He is 29 now, but was 23 when this started. He was raised in a Christian home, with good values, and was a WONDERFUL kid who never caused us a moments worry. Until he was 23 and in college, he met a 31 year old woman who had been married twice, tried to kill herself twice, been in and out of mental hospitals, as well as jail. He later informed us she was bipolar, but we have sadly learned she is also Borderline and Histrionic as well. He has estranged from us slowly, and has completely stopped contact since August. It is a VERY long story (6 years worth of misery) but they had a horrible relationship, and would break up, he would run back to us, we would commiserate with him, he would run back and tell her what we said, the whole nine yards. They did get married ins 2012 (none of us went as they had both uninvited us) , promptly had a baby, and this past January he once again ran home to us with the baby this time, saying her madness had gotten to the point where the cops had been called and he was fearful for the baby. He asked us for $1000 to help get a divorce started (he is now an attorney himself) and to help him get full custody of the baby. Of course we helped him. He took the money, left, and of course did not get a divorce, and instead spent the money on gifts for her. He pretended nothing ever happened! Shortly afterwards he texted my husband asking to use our condo for a little "weekend getaway" and my husband told him, "You have some explaining to do before asking us for anything else" and he promptly sent my husband the most horrible text saying we were "horrible, despicable people and terrible grandparents" blah blah blah. And that was that. He said we were never to call him, or text him ever again. We have tried, of course, but he won't answer us. My birthday was in November and not one word from him. We sent a care package of Christmas gifts last week and I know they have arrived, but not a word. And also, they are pregnant again and due in a month. They have no friends or family because his wife has systematically cut everyone out of his life. I am worried sick and so scared for the baby and now this new one. Anyway, there is a ton more to this story but my hand is tired of typing. I just wanted to share.
sallyannlass
sallyannlass
Welcome Tammy. I'm glad that you found us. Your situation may have a few differences but we are all Christians and estranged from out children. Is your DIL being treated and still a fit parent? My DIL does not have an excuse of ill health but she still systematically cut off contact with us. DILs seem to be the root cause for a lot of us. Stay in touch. Blessings.
poodlegirl61
poodlegirl61
No, I don't think she is currently on medication because she is pregnant with baby #2. She has been on and off medicine for years, but mostly off. When my son was here in January (when he said he wanted a divorce) he said she wasn't fit and that she felt "smothered". And also I forgot to add that while he was driving down here, she had texted me telling me that she didn't want the baby anymore, but she didn't want my son to have him either. But now they pretend none of that ever happened, but I still have the text. Also, she told another person who I know that she leaves the baby in his crib when he goes down for naps and leaves the house for extended periods of time. So this person told my son what she had said and of course she denied ever saying that. My DIL is very ill, but also very manipulative and cunning. It is good to be able to talk to others about all of this. The hardest part for me to accept is that something like this could happen to MY CHILD! He wasn't raised like this at all, and had such a close relationship with his parents and other siblings. I don't mean to sound sappy, but we really were that "ideal family" that you hear about. This came out of nowhere. He used to talk to be about the type of woman he hoped to someday marry...good Christian, morals, etc. And then this! Dumbfounded and shocked doesn't even begin to explain our feelings. And because all of our friends and family are Christian, church people, they can't understand it either! They have never encountered anything like this except seeing it on a Lifetime movie or something. It is as though he is possessed or brainwashed or something.
lindajoan
lindajoan
Please join us. We understand and do care. Each estrangement different but we are all in pain over what has happened to our families. It is true that we never expected it. We need the Lord's help to accept what has taken place and to move forward one day at a time. Only God can change our EC. We pray and wait on Him. Please share with us often.
chocolatecat
chocolatecat
Welcome Tammy, so glad you found this place. It has been a great help for me and many here just to know we are not alone in this. This time of year is particularly hard for all of us but I hope you will find comfort in the Lord and in fellowship here. God bless
poodlegirl61
poodlegirl61
Thank you all for your encouraging words. I truly don't know how I could have gone through this without my faith in God. I have never stopped praying for my son's heart to be softened and I do believe it will happen but in the meantime, I take great comfort in the blessings I do have. And it is very comforting to be able to share with others who understand. I am part of a church, and they have been supportive as best they can, but none of them have been through anything like this and all of them remember him how he was, so it is hard for them to get it. Thank you for the warm welcome.
givingupcontrol
givingupcontrol
tammy, so sorry for what you are going through. Estrangement is so painful and every situation, including yours, is heart breaking. We, too, were the "perfect" family- wow, did we get a dose of humility with the stunts my ED has pulled. You have to try to enjoy and be thankful for the blessings God has given you and what you do have in your life. I am thankful for my awesome husband and how God has protected our marriage in this trial. I am also thankful for my teenage son, who, while challenging, is showing such great signs of God working in his life. We are healthy and financially stable. I am trying to enjoy these things that I do have instead of dwell on what I don't have. I would trade it all for my daughter, but that's not my call.

I also believe that some "kids" have to take the field trip to learn the lesson. No matter how much we teach, model, and train them, they have free will and can make their own choices. I don't believe in enabling, but I do believe we can pray without ceasing for their hearts.
feellinghelpless
feellinghelpless
Welcome Tammy, For most of us it is a shock when this happens. I just don't understand how someone raised to believe in God and profess a love of God can be enchanted away, but it happens. Keep praying for your ES and DIL You might also want to let child welfare know to keep an eye on the kids
gordos4
gordos4
Welcome to the site Tammy. You have been through the wringer for sure. I'm sorry for all you have been through. You say your son is an attorney? He REALLY knows better & knows how wrong he is. I have 2 estranged sons, & one of them has a baby with a toxic woman as well. I am lucky enough to see my grandson once a week, & he spends the night. Everyone on this site has been through H_LL with our children. I think it is a sign on the times & the whole generation 20-30 years of age are pretty screwed up in general. ((hugs))
poodlegirl61
poodlegirl61
Thank you everyone. Yes, he is an attorney. Like I had previously said, he is and was brilliant. He breezed through college with a 4.0, breezed through law school, and passed the bar on the first try. If you were to meet him right now, you would think he was perfectly normal. Nobody could predict this. And also, this is another hard thing....sometimes my 90 year old mother will call him up and he will act normal on the phone to her. (yes, he answers when she calls) So, that leads to her not really believing me when I tell her how bad things are. She thinks maybe I am just "being too hard on him" etc. But like I said, he is very smart, and he is a lawyer, and he knows how to lie and be deceptive. And yes, he is VERY screwed up!
savedbyhim45
savedbyhim45
It is a shame. I think I would stop doing things for him or sending him things because you would be enabling his negative behavior. Things will never change if these episodes keep going on. There is no respect for you and DH. I wonder if some professional help with good boundaries and safety for the child would also help. It is so hard to watch your child struggle but unfortunately you can't make them do anything, they have to do it for themselves. You do have a choice though about not being mistreated and used for money.
poodlegirl61
poodlegirl61
Well, as for professional help for them....I will back up a little. Back last fall, when they were both still speaking to us, she told me that she had called a priest (she is Catholic) to come bless their apartment because she thought it had demons in it. After that, she really went nuts started thinking everyone from her past (parents, cousins, you name it) had abused her. Both physically and sexually. She actually had a meltdown in the priest's office where my son said she fell on the floor and the priest had to get on top of her and it looked to him like the priest was performing an exorcism, but in reality he was just trying to calm her. After this, the priest helped my son drive her to a mental hospital, where she was kept for only 2 days and then released. Well to make a VERY long story as short as possible, the priest knows she's crazy. A third person (none of us) called the priest and said she needed to be reported to CPS and the priest told her he knows and that he has made several home visits but my DIL makes him "so uncomfortable". Who knows what that means? Also, my son was not raised Catholic, so I am not sure really if he and the priest communicate very well or not. And none of them speak to me anymore at all.
savedbyhim45
savedbyhim45
It sounds like you have no choice then to leave it in Gods hands. It is scary though , I can imagine for you. Let us pray for you:

Holy Father, I lift up Tammy and her family to you God for wisdom, strength , and courage. Lord we put her son , dil, and the gc in your hands. Father please keep them safe and bring them the help which is so desperately needed for the family. Lord we pray that you would use this time to heal tammy and her DH , please give them your peace and surround them with your love, which surpasses all understanding. We know , God that you are the Master of the Universe and we put our trust solely in you. In the majestic and precious name of Jesus we pray. Amen.
poodlegirl61
poodlegirl61
Oh thank you so much for that beautiful prayer. I pray everyday as well. God bless us all!
gordos4
gordos4
Yes, STOP doing things for him. That is a hard thing to do, but by continuing to give them birthday/Christmas presents, it is condoning their behavior. They start thinking "I can treat my parents any way I want to, & they will still give me stuff/money". I quit giving my ES stuff a year ago.
poodlegirl61
poodlegirl61
Well, the care package I sent really only had presents for my grandson, and also something I had made for the new baby due in January. I only gave my son and his wife a "token" gift...a set of coasters with their initials on it. I guess I shouldn't have even gotten that. I won't next time.