Maria,
You are not defined by your estranged child. That is their choice not yours. Did you give your child food to eat, a bed to sleep, read stories, listened to their problems, took them to the doctor, went to school functions, wiped their tears, clean clothes from hours of washing and drying, folding and putting them away? Met their friends, made cookies or their favorite dessert? Working all day, trying to cook dinner while reminding your child to do their homework, or clean their rooms to teach them pride and how to take care of themselves?

YOU have done more for your child than they will ever know to appreciate. Not until it happens to them or a life changing experience. Just because you were a single parent trying to give your child the best life you could, you should be awarded with a huge trophy!!!! Single parents juggle the Mom and Dad role. Single parents learn to sacrifice more and use creative means for entertainment. Single parents give up their time to make sure their child feels loved and safe. Single parents are always giving, and try to give their child the best life they can.

If you let your child define you as a person, individual, and woman, then the power is given to the child to determine your fate. That's just too much power. Please try not to succumb to their definition of you.

Why does it hurt so much? Sometimes we are so attached to our children that they become an extension of who we are, and when that part is rejected, we fall apart. Your mission was to make sure this child was ready for the world. Ready to fall on her face and learn to come out of her own mistakes. To be socially acceptable in society, and to earn her way. Learn about her attitude as well!

If she's not looking in garbage cans for aluminum cans or other items to sell for money...YOU'VE DONE A GREAT JOB! But if they were doing that, you did a GREAT JOB ALSO. The best that you could. We are not responsible for our children's decisions in life.

I want to encourage you to remind yourself that you have done the best you could and now its time for you. Maybe do something once a week that you have not done for yourself in a long time. You will start feeling your confidence coming back to you.

(Just so you will know...my ED wrote on her facebook, I love my Aunt so much (which is my sister) and I wish my Mom would go away.)

Such a hurtful comment, but I actually had pity for her, as I am part of her and she of me, and when she tries to run away from me, she is running away from herself. Heartache will follow when she realizes that GOD made her for me, and she cannot run away from that. No matter how she wants to "sugarcoat" her life and make herself look so good to others. I know my daughter and not all is peachy.

I hope my earnest emotion did not come across offensive. I just care about us women on this site and encourage each and everyone of us that we are God's Most Excellent Children! He made us, we are worthy and special.

God's Love,
Pearl

I can't add anything to what Pearl said above. It was a masterpiece! Print it out and read it over and over again.

My only other suggestion is to look through your old photo's and pull down the box of cards you might have saved over the years. Read them. What about a special gift he gave you for Mother's Day that you have kept and could never throw away. That was (and is) the very same child that loves you just as much as your niece loves her mother - showing it just isn't where he is now. That's where your niece is. If, and when the Good Lord brings your prodigal child home, I'm sure he will be doing things just as sweet to you again.

So, Maria, get the tissues out and browse down memory lane for today and then get busy - live the best life you can live for yourself and when he returns he will see one mighty strong and confident lady! HUGE HUGS! We love you and care about you too. Maybe it is not the same, but God does put people in our lives to remind us that He works through His little angels on earth - and you're one of them! :-)

Maria, we just can't understand why our children choose to ignore us. It is painful. But we can move on. I've found help here at DS, especially with this group for Christian parents.

Pearl, your comments are so wise! It's so true that we are not defined by what our children do! Thank you for the great reminder. My heart broke for you when I read what your daughter wrote on facebook, telling you to go away. I'm so sorry for the pain she has caused you. And I'm glad you're here in DS, among friends.

GuelsMom, I love your comment that God works through his little angels on earth...so touching.

My son has been awful to us for 20 years...over half of his life, he's 39. I'd like to say that it gets easier as time goes by...ok...I'll say it, "it gets easier as time goes by" LOL! I'm not trying to be silly, but trying to make a point. My hubby and I were just talking the other day about how we just don't think about our son as much anymore. And that certainly does make our emotions much calmer.

For many years we were twisted and torn by our ES' actions. And at times we can still feel those painful emotions. But our son has chosen his life. And it doesn't include us. So we have had to move on. We have done ok most of the time. But we make a point to get out and about and enjoy what we do. That helps us so much. DS has been very helpful also. I've gained much insight since being with this group.

So, Maria, hang with us. We can help each other with our sadness and with our happiness. You'll be in my prayers. Sending hugs....

Maria, I can't add anything more than the other ladies...you are all so full of wisdom and love! I just want you to know that you are a very special person, and that if your son doesn't recognize that, it is his loss...a tragic loss to be sure, but it is HIS. You have so much to give, and so much life to live, as the others have mentioned. Certainly you are experiencing loss as well, as we all are...this pain is worse than any other I've experienced, including the deaths of close family members! But I am coming to see, as Pearl mentioned, that I am not defined by my daughter or my son-in-law. I am God's; He defines me. I hope someday that this will become an everyday, all day reality for me! I certainly don't always feel it! But whether or not I feel it, it is true. I have a quote on my desktop by C.S. Lewis that says, "Feelings come and go, but God's love for us does not.". We imperfect human beings, including our EC, do not know how to love; we don't know how to open our hearts to each other; we often don't even know how to speak to one another! But God loves us all perfectly...PERFECTLY! And His love for you will never, ever change, even when our children's, or husband's, or best friend's love comes and goes. It's all we can hold on to, but it's enough.

Guels, I was intrigued by your suggestion to read old cards, etc. When this started with my ED, I took down and put away anything she had ever given me with a "Mother" sentiment...plaques, pictures, cards, etc. It was so painful to see, and realize that she didn't really mean it anymore! But I think you are right. Our children did love us at one time. And they probably still do, in the innermost part of their being. Something or someone is interfering with that love...certainly Satan wants nothing more than to destroy such a foundational relationship as that between a mother and child. When he can accomplish that, he has incredible power over us! But, God willing, all things will be restored at some time, including our children's love for us. We cannot change our children's hearts, but God can.

Maria, I am also sending prayers and hugs. I am glad you are here! You are a blessing!

Donna

How wonderful to hear from all of you such encouraging words, hugs and prayers. Pearl, thank you for sharing that we cannot define ourselves by what our EC think of us - only what God thinks of us. Yes, we did the best we could and if they cannot or will not recognize that, then that is their issue, not ours. Sorry to hear what your daughter wrote too. Someday, I pray that God awakens our children and gives them recognition of all we did. Yes, the devil is having a field day with the estrangement of our own children, but God will not let go of his grasp on our children. Hugs to all.