CHRISTIAN PARENTS of ESTRANGED ADULT CHILDREN Community Group

Estrangement makes it difficult to talk about with family, friends, neighbors and church members. Christians are NOT immune to broken families. Talk about your experiences with those who know how you feel and get positive support through your Christian faith...."In these last days difficult times will come, for men will be lovers of self...disobedient to parents,...

561 Members

3,756 Posts

0 Online

chocolatecat 08/12/2014

It happened again today. I got an email from my MIL - in spite of the fact that I asked her to phone me instead of email because to me emails are more upsetting. Anyhow, our ES apparently decided to email both sets of our parents to tell that in a two pages that he is going ahead to marry his gf. We asked him to leave our parents out of this because then they call or write us and we have all these other people in the middle of this situation and it makes it more confusing and hurtful. But once again he did not respect our request, also MIL says that she is ok with being in the middle even though I prefer she is not because of the confusion it causes. So then I get this email from MIL tonight and I call her because I'd rather have a conversation than just read what someone has to say. That was another 3 hour conversation with led to another two hour conversation with DH. It is 1 a.m. and I'll be up for hours because I am so upset again...........and guess what? Nobody cares!!!! I have spelled out what I need and nobody does it because they don't respect my requests. Maybe they'd like to visit me at the psych ward so they might take me seriously next time?! I am just able to maintain my sanity in this situation without drugs, alcohol, etc. But everyone keeps dismissing my requests in favor of their preferences. I emailed ES in all caps to tell him to leave our parents out of this and come to find out he has been email MIL back and forth regardless and just emailed my parents too. What does that mean? That means that all of them will we emailing me or phoning me to hash this all out for hours and hours until they are satisfied with what we have to say. Having people in the middle is not a good thing! I for real feel like I have no recourse. I can't for the life of me get anyone to respect my wishes in this. They all say "just leave the ES/EC in the Lord's hands and leave them be." I would love to! Everyone keeps engaging us in this though! So neurotic! "Don't be involved but we're going to be involved instead and then tell you everything secondhand." I can't for the life of me explain the craziness of this. They just don't get it. Help! I have blocked our EC on fb. I have blocked our ES on email because he is a special case. He won't stop badgering and badgering me at any hour of the night or day.
I feel like my life is constantly being hijacked by this ES so I had to cut him off from all avenues except for our home phone - which he hasn't even used - why? because he just wants to give us a piece of his mind and does not want a two way conversation. Now he's going through the grandparents to get to us. I knew he would do that and warned them but they don't see it and he's using them. The only one paying the price is me and DH to some degree. I'll have another migraine tomorrow for sure. I can feel it coming. Nobody at all cares or looks out for us. I don't know what it is going to take for somebody to believe me that I can't take anymore of this. I know you guys here get it. Thank you. I am at my wits end.

lindajoan 08/12/2014

So very sorry for all you are going through. None of this is good for you. If the parents continue to cross your boundaries I would sit down with both of them again and speak truth kindly with love. Let them know that you love to hear from them but only by phone and that you are no longer reading their emails. Also let them know that should they call that you do not want to hear about ES. Let them know if this is disrespected that you will be unable to talk to them for a while although you would hate to take that route.

In my humble opinion, it is best for you to not be part of this drama. It does get very upsetting and you need rest from it. You need the Shalom of The Lord and to dwell on God and His Word. Jesus is our example.

sallyannlass 08/12/2014

I have no advice to give you except to hold on, take deep breaths and pray. This situation is so bizarre everyone treading on others feet to have an opinion about you and ES and his GF. ES appears to be doing anything and everything to get your approval of his GF. I'm praying for you. Blessings.

chocolatecat 08/12/2014

Our parents all live approx. 2,000 miles from us in different states/provinces. We are trying to help them understand the situation through conversation over the phone but sometimes they don't remember what we've told them and it is complicated. Any one of them could be gone tomorrow, nobody's health is very good. I wanted our ES to leave them out of the whole thing because it is very stressful for even me and for our elderly parents at this stage of life. Being in between two sets of people they love isn't a place where any parent/grandparent likes to be.
I just do not know how to get people to understand that they aren't helping by being in the middle and they are hurting me because it add so much extra stress to me. They just don't get it. Everyone wants to believe that they are helping. I am a grown adult woman without a cell phone for the past few months. I had to turn it off because ES wouldn't quit texting me and wanting to start texting wars. He has crossed every boundary I have requested. I just scaled back all of my social media to the bare bones with no links to the EC. I blocked ES email and now I want to close my email account all together but DH doesn't want me to because it is a "special" account he got just for me. :-(
I feel like a grain of sand most days. Nobody takes my needs seriously. They all pretend to care and then go out and do whatever they were going to do in the first place regardless of what I've said. I can't imagine what it would be like to work at a job where people got paid to do what you asked of them. That sounds amazing to me. Right now I cannot for the life of me get the people who say they love me to respect any of my very simple wishes. I must be speaking Swahili. Or maybe the more obvious, they truly do not care. I was feeling so sad for Robin Williams yesterday and today. To get to 63 and be so accomplished and well loved and yet feel so alone and desperate. I am not in that place but I can understand how somebody gets there. People not recognizing someone is suffering. A very helpless feeling for that person. Thanks all for your support and listening.

lindajoan 08/12/2014

We all know one thing. We can not change others. That includes our parents or our EC. It gets very tiring trying to get them to see our way of wanting things. I know I can not even try anymore with my elderly mother. So it comes back to asking God for His peace to get us through the storms. God bless you.

Norske1 08/12/2014

lindajoan has good advice. Hard as it is, my suggestion is that you change your email address and throw their emails to you into "spam".

I would send them one final email telling them you are changing your email address, that you are taking a vacation from all the drama and for now you are detaching.

You deserve more. I am praying for you.

lindajoan 08/12/2014

Norske, How is DH?

Has ES called again?

God bless

chocolatecat 08/13/2014

Well, it turns out that both my mom and MIL have been emailing back and forth with ES. But after talking to MIL yesterday and mom today they both say that they are done discussing it with him. I didn't have to do any convincing, they experienced what he does first hand. I just wish they would have believed me first. I hope they will keep this up in the future when he starts up again, because he definitely will. Still praying for a miracle. A really big miracle.
My DH is going to look into somehow freezing my current email address and getting me a different one tomorrow. Thank you Norske, lindajoan and sallyannlass. Having a place to come to and have people that understand has been so amazing. It has really helped me and I truly appreciate your feedback, insight and recommendations. God bless. Praying for you all too.

lindajoan 08/13/2014

PTL. Some people need to learn on their own.

Yes, we are praying for miracles for sure.

deleted_user 08/13/2014

I wonder if sending EVERYONE a letter by SNAILMAIL in black and white explaining your feelings and how hurt you are that people are not respecting your requests might help.......sometimes getting a formal letter in black and white the old fashioned way that they can't just delete and they have to really see you are serious....it might work......it would be worth a try.....personally I would change my email address and not give it to anyone......and say you will only speak by regular phone or by snail mail.......the only other solution I would see would be to not do anything and just let the GP be in the middle of it and try to keep out of it as much as you can yourself......in my situation.....everyone talked to my ES except me....so my other family members including my mother talked to my ES and would give FULL details of what was going on in his life from how great his wedding was ....how precious my GK were etc etc...the gifts that they were giving my GC that I was never allowed to see....it really broke my heart ....it killed me but I would listen politely and then change the subject.......I suppose over the 18 years I have been estranged from him that I became numb to the pain....but really I used to leave those family gatherings where he was talked about and just break down....BUT I NEVER let them know they were getting to me......I did not begrudge my ES a relationship with his GM ....I was glad he had her and others....but in point of fact......They were then ones in the first place that started the estrangement in the first place...OMG as I read what I am writing I realize how aweful it all was...my mom has passed away now and I really have no other relatives so I never hear it anymore .....this is heartbreaking....but try not to let them ruin YOUR LIFE.......

chocolatecat 08/13/2014

sadandlonely, it must have been torment to be in your situation of having gp between your ES for so many years. I am really learning so much in this situation about what never to do to people! I think that my parents and inlaws now understand that it did not help any to have themselves in between us and our ES in regard to his current relationship. We are fine with them all communicating, just not on that topic because it will 100% include discussing DH and I and we would like only to represent ourselves and not have others speaking for us. After the last two days I think now that our parents understand that. If it starts again, I will consider sending a letter to all parties. We are close to our parents even though they all live 2,000 miles away and do not want to hurt that relationship. They are well-meaning and just trying to help, but unintentionally it is causing our ES to solidify his relationship with gf. Still praying for a miracle. Thank you again.

Join the Conversation