CHRISTIAN PARENTS of ESTRANGED ADULT CHILDREN Community Group
Estrangement makes it difficult to talk about with family, friends, neighbors and church members. Christians are NOT immune to broken families. Talk about your experiences with those who know how you feel and get positive support through your Christian faith...."In these last days difficult times will come, for men will be lovers of self...disobedient to parents,...
Sometimes I struggle. Are my two boys estranged from me b/c I am like King David or Job? Kind David's own son rose up against him and he had to have him put to death. This was a consequence for David's sin. The Lord still loved David, but told him that his family would have problems b/c of his sin. Job lost his children from a test, not because of anything he did.
I struggle. Did I do something wrong? Is this a consequence of my sin. Or, is this just a test?
I have 14 yr old triplets. My boys left us to live with their unsaved dad. It's been 8 months. But the letters I get from them have been filled with hate, angry, disrespect, and distain! They tell me that I am no longer their mother. They want nothing to do with me. They blame me for everything bad in their life. I don't understand. I raised all of my children in the church. We're all baptized. We read the Bible everyday together since they were 2. I raised them alone for 6 years, while their dad did nothing. I then remarried a Christian man. We raised them together another 6 years. And this is how they turned out?
God has been telling me for months to let them go. I think today, after more hate mail, I have finally done that. I love them, miss them, and completely devastated, but I have to let go, let God, and move on. I don't know what else to do. I just don't know if God is showing me something in my life that I did wrong or if this is a test of faith....
Thanks for listening.
I struggle. Did I do something wrong? Is this a consequence of my sin. Or, is this just a test?
I have 14 yr old triplets. My boys left us to live with their unsaved dad. It's been 8 months. But the letters I get from them have been filled with hate, angry, disrespect, and distain! They tell me that I am no longer their mother. They want nothing to do with me. They blame me for everything bad in their life. I don't understand. I raised all of my children in the church. We're all baptized. We read the Bible everyday together since they were 2. I raised them alone for 6 years, while their dad did nothing. I then remarried a Christian man. We raised them together another 6 years. And this is how they turned out?
God has been telling me for months to let them go. I think today, after more hate mail, I have finally done that. I love them, miss them, and completely devastated, but I have to let go, let God, and move on. I don't know what else to do. I just don't know if God is showing me something in my life that I did wrong or if this is a test of faith....
Thanks for listening.
As far as having the answer to your first questions goes, that is something that I can answer for you for several reasons.
First, we as humans, can't know the if's, the why's, or the when's of whether or not a trial that we are going through is because of a testing or as the direct result of sin in our lives - or even because of the sin in another's life, like for the benefit of your ex-husband, or even for the sake of your children's life, for example. The only thing we can say for sure is that, based on Job, God does allow us Christians to go through some really difficult times just as non-Christians do. We are not exempt from them because it is through them that our character is strengthened, our faith and trust in Christ become stronger and we come out the other end knowing that our Savior carried us through them.
Secondly, we can't know the mind of God. We can't know if it is God ordained or God allowed or if it is the direct result of sin in our own lives. For example, if I were an alcoholic and got arrested for drunk driving then I would have to take the responsibility for that.
However, based on what you have written, I see no evidence that there were the major causes of estrangement like alcoholism, drug addiction, physical abuse - except for the possibility of "Parental Alienation Syndrome." It truly does have the signs of one parent turning the children against the other because of the changes in behavior of all three at the same time. There is an excellent article that I will look for that might help you with that. I will get it after this post and post it as a topic.
In the meantime, as hard as it is going to be for you to do, do your best to take the high road and say nothing bad about your ex to your kids - even by body language.
As far as their treatment of you goes, they are still only 14 years old and you should not have to be subjected to that kind of disrespectful behavior nor matter what has happened or what they think of you or how they feel about the divorce. I would write a very brief not to each of them and let them know that their behavior is unacceptable and that you will not tolerate it. Let them know that you love them no matter what, but that you have a right not endure this kind of behavior from them. Let them know that you expect and apology and that any further communication will be based on how they treat you from this point on. Set your reasonable boundaries and let them know what those are and what is to be expected to happen if they don't honor them. But, make sure that you are strong enough to follow through with those boundaries because, for sure, they are going to test them.
You sound like you did the very, very best that you could have done for those 3 boys. Don't be so hard on yourself. Evaluate youself, ask for forgiveness where necessary, forgive yourself and then let go of it. Move on and learn to love yourself as God loves you.
I hope this help you. We are here for you all the way - and "Thank You" for trusting us enough to bring this difficult time to us.
God Bless
Sorry!
God does allow trials, but the bible says "He delivers us from them all".
Hugs and blessings.
Thanks for the encouragement. I haven't really heard from the boys in months b/c I did set boundaries with the respect thing. But then I received all of this hate mail this week - for 2 days straight - telling me I am not their mother anymore, they are so much happier with their dad, etc. etc. The letter were full of disrespect and intentional mean words to hurt me. I responded with I love and miss you but won't take your disrespect.
How do you all get through this? It is so hard to let go, not knowing if things will ever get better.
In the meantime, little by little start to do little things that make you happy. Start being good to yourself and build up your confidence and love for yourself and others. Also, if you get any more emails have someone else read them. Then ask them, "will this hurt me or help me?" If it is to hurt you, delete it! Its poison to bring you down. The enemy's attack on your self-esteem, and image. He wants to diminish your soul. Don't let him.
Protect your heart from a negative enviornment, be around positive encouraging people, and if you need to give yourself time to cry. Its ok to cry, to feel anger, betrayal, and hope all at the same time! The emotions go up and down until they balance out.
Its almost 4 years for me and I am not the same person I was when it first began. I was a mess. Now I can accept little notes that my ED sends, and then not hear from her and it does not devastate me anymore.
It will pass, and it will make you stronger with a whole new perspective.
Hugs,
Pearl
Today I received another email. I didn't even open it. I just deleted it. And it actually felt good. ;-) I am saying no to the abuse.
Thank you everyone for your love and support. I am so grateful there is a Christian support system out there.