Excellent post and so much truth. I finally stopped trying to connect with my ES and it was years with no contact. Then when his father was in the hospital for major surgery, I texted him and asked him to pray for his dad. He came to the hospital. We hadn't seen him in 7 years. Now we have a relationship that is a bit distant and I leave it to him as to when he wants to connect again. It can be a month before a note or call. So be patient.

It was obvious when we first saw each other and he asked questions about the family, that he felt bad he has missed 7 years of his cousin having 2 babies, and other family weddings, etc. He didn't verbalize it but his eyes sure spoke his sadness.

Givingup, so true what you said...it is a process! We went through the same process as you described with our middle son. That process lasted from birth till age 29 ....he was always a difficult child...age 3 getting up in the middle of the night and setting fires for example....we kept thinking it was our fault naturally all through his childhood as he kept getting into more and more trouble and we struggled to do everything imaginable to turn him around. Looking back now, I can see that this child from birth seemed to be hell-bent and nothing but him could have changed that. He was led to the "cleansing waters" more times than I care to count, made 2 professions to accept Christ, etc...

I think it was the already in progress "process" of detaching from this son that made it easier to know to detach quicker from the next 2 when the devil got into them as well. Instead of taking 29 years to give up and detach, it only took us 8 and 5 years with the last 2....or maybe we were just so traumatized, burn out, and weary of soul by then we could not fight any longer???

Norske, interesting to hear that your ES was sad that he missed so much. I wonder if my ED will regret this time away one day. Our family has always been so close. This is just completely foreign to her and to us.

Lostall3, can't imagine what those decades must have been like fighting for your son. "Weary" is a word I think of often in this, and we are less than a year into estrangement. You must be emotionally, physically, mentally exhausted in every since of the word.

I feel like we are fighting darkness all day every day. Spiritual warfare is far more strenuous than I ever knew. I have to believe that in the end- whenever and whatever that looks like- the Lord will win it all.

Excellent Discussion. Our ES is an only child and I think that we tried to help too much. He made bad choices constantly, then because he had small children, we would do whatever it was to help him. I always felt bad for the kids since they didn't have a mother in their lives (she was arrested for drugs and now allowed contact with the kids) He finally got a really good job making good money and of course he managed to lose that. So when he started another manual labor job, he came to us and asked for money. We had always done it previously. When he got the very good job, we told him we were finished giving him money. He spent his income tax return as soon as he got it on an X-Box, games and a motorcycle. So we told him that maybe he would have to give up his toys. Every other year he got things for the kids, paid bills, etc. We bought a duplex before he got the good job so he wouldn't have to pay rent and all of that. Right after we refused to continue giving him money because of his actions, he left during the night and has no contact with us (did let us take our 1 GD last weekend - arranged by a mutual friend). You are right that they have to make their own choices and we can't continue to bail them out for the rest of our lives. Losing control and especially all contact is so terribly painful. It is a process but I don't understand after all we did, why we are the ones who are hurting since the GF's family is now his only family. Do hope that one day God opens his eyes and softens his heart as to what he has thrown away. As Norske stated,when her husband had cancer surgery he showed up and she could see regret in his eyes. My husband had skin cancer (but extremely deep) in his neck. Told our mutual friend "I wish him luck" that was all we got. Where are their hearts. I just pray that one day he becomes aware of all that he is missing out on but I pray it's while we are still here on this earth

Lots of emotion, here, for sure. Our ED (age 23 now) has been on her journey for 3 years now. She lives nearby and does not grace our door. She texts every few months to brag about her life with bf, ect. which I find very sad compared to what she had with us. She made some very bad decisions the day she left home with a different bf. She turned her back on everything and everyone (in evil ways) including God.

As I pray, what comes mind is that God is not finished with her, yet. It may be a life of pain before repentance. Being she was adopted, she was always difficult but God had saved her in many ways (even have her a voice to use for Him). She threw it away for a mess of pottage. Although, she has mental issues, I pray her back to God and family.

I pray our EC back in God's way and in His timing.

Agreed, Barbell. Honoring parents is God's commandment. It is not something we made up.

I agree Barbell, I would rather see my ES reconciled with God before me too. I am trying hard not to contact either of them and leave it in Gods hands now because it is so hurtful to keep trying to contact with no response or just getting blown off. I simply can't do it anymore. Also I am still fairly angry and my emotions are all over the place. I think it is best to keep some distance for me right now.

Me too, saved, I would much rather see ED reconciled with god before me. Actually, I think it may even be a perquisite for her, before she can deal with the world. She's going in the opposite direction, though, and has been for some time. So I'm not holding my breath, for anything.

I have let her go, though, the minute she told us to go away. We all have.

I know what you mean, losing control as a mother is hard. I never thought I'd be in this position. I have no idea if my ES is even alive. I worry about him being on the streets homeless, not having any food, no roof over his head, etc. The last thing he said to me was "you will never see me or speak to me again, you had your chance to help me, & you didn't. Whatever happens to me is on your head". Really? We DID help him, LOTS of times. It's amazing how quickly these kids forget everything done for them. Entitlement is the name of their game. I pray for him every day. I hate even saying this, but my heart is a little colder toward him as a result of the stealing, lying, deceiving, & verbal attacks.

It's interesting that some of you say you'd rather have your EC reconciled with God before you. I actually feel the exact opposite. I think, if I can get closer to God & Jesus, the more mercy my children will receive when I pray for them. I'm not going to give up growing closer to God in exchange for my ES (who doesn't believe in God) to see the light. They choose not to believe, it's their choice, not mine. There is no more powerful prayer than a mother's prayer for her children.