CHRISTIAN PARENTS of ESTRANGED ADULT CHILDREN Community Group
Estrangement makes it difficult to talk about with family, friends, neighbors and church members. Christians are NOT immune to broken families. Talk about your experiences with those who know how you feel and get positive support through your Christian faith...."In these last days difficult times will come, for men will be lovers of self...disobedient to parents,...
Heartache is all I know. It's been almost a year since my adult children told me I was no longer a welcomed person in their lives - that I had basically failed as their mother - emotionally abusive and manipulative were the phrases they used to describe me. My ED would have minimum contact with me as long as I did not ask about her brother or his children, a.k.a. my son and grandbabies...
And it hasn't gotten any better...I just don't talk about it anymore - no one wants to hear me being sad. This has isolated me, I don't go anywhere - it hurts to see others enjoy being a grandparent - it makes me wonder why I cannot be a part of my kids' lives or their children's lives?
I looked forwarded to becoming a grandmother for many years, saving up books and toys for when those precious grandbabies would become a part of my world...only to be closed out of their lives seven weeks after they were born. I only held them once.
And I still cry - not as often as I did, but when I cry, the pain, is as intense as in the beginning, like my heart is being ripped open all over again.
God knows I tried to be a better parent than my mom was to me and my siblings. I once was proud of the way I had parented my children, now I question everything I did as their mom.
I stopped calling their children my grandbabies a couple of months back...it dawned on me that a year was coming up and I did not know one thing about them, nor did I even know what they looked like any more.
I've missed all of their 'first', first smile, first coo, first teeth, first steps, first laugh, first words...all of their first holidays were spent with DIL's family, including their first birthday - I was not invited but his sister could fly in and spend the weekend with them to celebrate the twins day.
The Friday of the twins birthday I texted my daughter to wish her "happy Aunt's Day" to let her know I was thinking of her and to let her know I acknowledge the twins were a year old today....nothing.....silence.....I call her three times between 5PM and 9PM...and nothing again. I go to bed and cry myself to sleep.
The next morning I see I have a voice message from ED from later that night....you can tell she's in a car when she leaves me a message and she's with someone whom she does not want to know she's calling me....instead of the usual "hi, mom, it's me..." it was "helllloooo, sorry I missed your calls...I was....sleeping and did not hear the phone ring..." I'm not stupid, she flew in from Lubbock to Houston to spend the weekend at her brother’s house and be at the twin’s birthday celebration.
I do not call her back because I know she will not answer anyway and I can't because I now know I'm not invited to their 1st b'day party.
We do not communicate for a week. Then on Mother’s day she calls and leaves me a message, “Happy Mother’s Day, mom. I hope you have a great day. I love you, bye”. And like nothing happened, she’s back to the daughter who wants something to do with me as long as I do not discuss her brother, sister-in-law or the twins…I’m hurt and whether it is right or wrong it’s what I did…I sent her a text back…“Thank you for the voice message but if we were truly “open & honest” with one another like you say you want, then you would acknowledge this isn’t a “happy” day at all – in fact it hasn’t been much of a happy year. I have one adult child that has something to do with me as long as I don’t bring up “not open for discussion” subjects and another adult child will not even acknowledge I exist. He has two precious children that have been denied the right to know me and I’ve been denied the right to be a grandmother. I don’t’ even know what they look like for Christ’s sakes! So please tell me “Happy Mother’s Day” again & why it’s so happy?!?”
She’s quick to reply – “Oh, Mom. This day is too beautiful, and I choose to not be manipulated by your words. Each day is full of Hope and promise if we allow it to be so. Or it can be filled with poisonous words, actions, anger, and bitterness, but only if we allow it to be so. Happiness and love are choices. So, make it a great day, mom. Or not. I love you either way. Call me when you’re feeling better.”
My reply to this text – “If I express my emotions to you in all honesty then I’m accused of being manipulative! Was there anything in my txt that was not truthful? Can’t your words be seen as manipulative as well??? Do I not get to EVER say how I’m hurting?? Really?? Thanks and have beautiful day”
Her last reply txt to me – “You too, sunshine!”
I knew I needed to let them both go before I’m completely destroyed by their words. I sent them this email:
"Please don't read this as though I'm trying to manipulate you. I want nothing from you - except for you to hear me this one time. Please read this as a mom expressing her feeling and to let you go to live your own lives.
Every day I start out in HOPE...hope that this estrangement with my adult children will end today, hope to see and hear from my adult children today, hope to be a family, hope to be a grandmother, hope to play with my children's children,...and every evening when I go to bed I know another day has past that we cannot get back, and the sadness that has become a part of me grows a little heavier in my heart.
I would have never believed either of you would want to keep me from knowing your children for this long, but you have, and before you know it one year will soon turn into two and two years will become ten in no time at all.
This last year has changed me, changed how I see myself, how I see both of you, how I look at life in general. I do not see a happy ending to this scenario, no matter how many times I try. The relationship we all had between one another "once upon a time ago" has been destroyed. The divorce happened,…I’m so sorry. We all were hurt because of it. But I never dreamed my adult children would want to "divorce" me in a sense as well.
Still, I have no idea what happened during that week last June in the Woodlands but I do know I was put on trial, my motherhood was put on trial, and I was found incompetent. I acknowledge the fact that my adult children want "very little to no contact" with me but I do not know the reasons behind this estrangement.
I will not attempt to open this closed door to me again. A mother can only take so much heartache before she accepts she has lost. It took your estrangement towards me for me to see I need to let you go to live your lives as you see fit, free to make choices that suit your family and lifestyle, to be unburdened of an over-protected mother who needed to "let go" of you years ago so you could become your own person. It saddens me that it took this estrangement for my eyes to be opened. Please forgive me.
I’ve loved and accepted both of you exactly as God created you...warts and all...no family is perfect. We all have imperfections, quirks, fears, issues, and weaknesses. But we also have love, memories, acceptance, laughter, and forgiveness that bind us together throughout the years.
I am who I am – I’ve never been perfect – I’ve never been a monster – I’ve never been an abuser – I was a mother who did the very best she could to raise her children in a loving Christian home, and who will miss you both for the rest of my life but acknowledge your decision to estrange me from your lives, and even accept some blame in this - you both learned about estrangement from me – you both watched me do the very same thing to my own mother for VERY DIFFERENT reasons! Please hear me when I say...be extremely careful how you treat others in this lifetime - Galatians 6:7...I'm living proof of the truth in this scripture, and I cry out to God every single day because of it, wishing I had the time to make amends. (My sister believes I am reaping what I sowed through my own adult children for the way I treated my mother all those years ago. And on some days even I think she's correct in this assumption.)
Treat each other well and try to stay close. Family is a precious gift to be cherished...and more fragile than I ever could have imagined. Learn to be more forgiving of others - life is too short to bind yourself in hatred or un-forgiveness. Be kind if you mention me to your children as time goes by. You have your lives to live, live well.
I love you both always. Mom
(this poem was framed & hung in your room until we moved to __blank__)
Your Children by Khalil Gilbran
Your children are not your children,
They are the sons & daughters of life longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you, and although they are with you yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts, for they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls, for their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The Archer seeks the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the Archer's hand be for gladness; for even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable."
This was a month ago. The silence rings in my ears. I cry almost every day now. I have gone to my first meeting with a new counselor this past Tuesday, she’s a Christian and I have to drive a little over an hour to meet with her. I’m hoping she can help me to find “me”. My next meeting is on Monday, the 23rd @ 3PM central time. I would like to know I have prayer warriors with me during this time. Thank you for letting me rant….tjw
And it hasn't gotten any better...I just don't talk about it anymore - no one wants to hear me being sad. This has isolated me, I don't go anywhere - it hurts to see others enjoy being a grandparent - it makes me wonder why I cannot be a part of my kids' lives or their children's lives?
I looked forwarded to becoming a grandmother for many years, saving up books and toys for when those precious grandbabies would become a part of my world...only to be closed out of their lives seven weeks after they were born. I only held them once.
And I still cry - not as often as I did, but when I cry, the pain, is as intense as in the beginning, like my heart is being ripped open all over again.
God knows I tried to be a better parent than my mom was to me and my siblings. I once was proud of the way I had parented my children, now I question everything I did as their mom.
I stopped calling their children my grandbabies a couple of months back...it dawned on me that a year was coming up and I did not know one thing about them, nor did I even know what they looked like any more.
I've missed all of their 'first', first smile, first coo, first teeth, first steps, first laugh, first words...all of their first holidays were spent with DIL's family, including their first birthday - I was not invited but his sister could fly in and spend the weekend with them to celebrate the twins day.
The Friday of the twins birthday I texted my daughter to wish her "happy Aunt's Day" to let her know I was thinking of her and to let her know I acknowledge the twins were a year old today....nothing.....silence.....I call her three times between 5PM and 9PM...and nothing again. I go to bed and cry myself to sleep.
The next morning I see I have a voice message from ED from later that night....you can tell she's in a car when she leaves me a message and she's with someone whom she does not want to know she's calling me....instead of the usual "hi, mom, it's me..." it was "helllloooo, sorry I missed your calls...I was....sleeping and did not hear the phone ring..." I'm not stupid, she flew in from Lubbock to Houston to spend the weekend at her brother’s house and be at the twin’s birthday celebration.
I do not call her back because I know she will not answer anyway and I can't because I now know I'm not invited to their 1st b'day party.
We do not communicate for a week. Then on Mother’s day she calls and leaves me a message, “Happy Mother’s Day, mom. I hope you have a great day. I love you, bye”. And like nothing happened, she’s back to the daughter who wants something to do with me as long as I do not discuss her brother, sister-in-law or the twins…I’m hurt and whether it is right or wrong it’s what I did…I sent her a text back…“Thank you for the voice message but if we were truly “open & honest” with one another like you say you want, then you would acknowledge this isn’t a “happy” day at all – in fact it hasn’t been much of a happy year. I have one adult child that has something to do with me as long as I don’t bring up “not open for discussion” subjects and another adult child will not even acknowledge I exist. He has two precious children that have been denied the right to know me and I’ve been denied the right to be a grandmother. I don’t’ even know what they look like for Christ’s sakes! So please tell me “Happy Mother’s Day” again & why it’s so happy?!?”
She’s quick to reply – “Oh, Mom. This day is too beautiful, and I choose to not be manipulated by your words. Each day is full of Hope and promise if we allow it to be so. Or it can be filled with poisonous words, actions, anger, and bitterness, but only if we allow it to be so. Happiness and love are choices. So, make it a great day, mom. Or not. I love you either way. Call me when you’re feeling better.”
My reply to this text – “If I express my emotions to you in all honesty then I’m accused of being manipulative! Was there anything in my txt that was not truthful? Can’t your words be seen as manipulative as well??? Do I not get to EVER say how I’m hurting?? Really?? Thanks and have beautiful day”
Her last reply txt to me – “You too, sunshine!”
I knew I needed to let them both go before I’m completely destroyed by their words. I sent them this email:
"Please don't read this as though I'm trying to manipulate you. I want nothing from you - except for you to hear me this one time. Please read this as a mom expressing her feeling and to let you go to live your own lives.
Every day I start out in HOPE...hope that this estrangement with my adult children will end today, hope to see and hear from my adult children today, hope to be a family, hope to be a grandmother, hope to play with my children's children,...and every evening when I go to bed I know another day has past that we cannot get back, and the sadness that has become a part of me grows a little heavier in my heart.
I would have never believed either of you would want to keep me from knowing your children for this long, but you have, and before you know it one year will soon turn into two and two years will become ten in no time at all.
This last year has changed me, changed how I see myself, how I see both of you, how I look at life in general. I do not see a happy ending to this scenario, no matter how many times I try. The relationship we all had between one another "once upon a time ago" has been destroyed. The divorce happened,…I’m so sorry. We all were hurt because of it. But I never dreamed my adult children would want to "divorce" me in a sense as well.
Still, I have no idea what happened during that week last June in the Woodlands but I do know I was put on trial, my motherhood was put on trial, and I was found incompetent. I acknowledge the fact that my adult children want "very little to no contact" with me but I do not know the reasons behind this estrangement.
I will not attempt to open this closed door to me again. A mother can only take so much heartache before she accepts she has lost. It took your estrangement towards me for me to see I need to let you go to live your lives as you see fit, free to make choices that suit your family and lifestyle, to be unburdened of an over-protected mother who needed to "let go" of you years ago so you could become your own person. It saddens me that it took this estrangement for my eyes to be opened. Please forgive me.
I’ve loved and accepted both of you exactly as God created you...warts and all...no family is perfect. We all have imperfections, quirks, fears, issues, and weaknesses. But we also have love, memories, acceptance, laughter, and forgiveness that bind us together throughout the years.
I am who I am – I’ve never been perfect – I’ve never been a monster – I’ve never been an abuser – I was a mother who did the very best she could to raise her children in a loving Christian home, and who will miss you both for the rest of my life but acknowledge your decision to estrange me from your lives, and even accept some blame in this - you both learned about estrangement from me – you both watched me do the very same thing to my own mother for VERY DIFFERENT reasons! Please hear me when I say...be extremely careful how you treat others in this lifetime - Galatians 6:7...I'm living proof of the truth in this scripture, and I cry out to God every single day because of it, wishing I had the time to make amends. (My sister believes I am reaping what I sowed through my own adult children for the way I treated my mother all those years ago. And on some days even I think she's correct in this assumption.)
Treat each other well and try to stay close. Family is a precious gift to be cherished...and more fragile than I ever could have imagined. Learn to be more forgiving of others - life is too short to bind yourself in hatred or un-forgiveness. Be kind if you mention me to your children as time goes by. You have your lives to live, live well.
I love you both always. Mom
(this poem was framed & hung in your room until we moved to __blank__)
Your Children by Khalil Gilbran
Your children are not your children,
They are the sons & daughters of life longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you, and although they are with you yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts, for they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls, for their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The Archer seeks the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the Archer's hand be for gladness; for even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable."
This was a month ago. The silence rings in my ears. I cry almost every day now. I have gone to my first meeting with a new counselor this past Tuesday, she’s a Christian and I have to drive a little over an hour to meet with her. I’m hoping she can help me to find “me”. My next meeting is on Monday, the 23rd @ 3PM central time. I would like to know I have prayer warriors with me during this time. Thank you for letting me rant….tjw
It's okay to rant..we all need to express ourselves, and it's a safe place here..you are among other dear parents who are feeling the same feelings.
(((hugs)))
Maddie
These kids nowadays are cruel especially when they can use wonderful grandchildren as carrot sticks or items of torture....God does not take well to those who use others to hurt others.
Your thoughts and emotions we all have here....and we care about you even if it is just thru cyberspace...
Know that someone cares and it is not your fault your children are choosing to do this to you for "their reasons" and your text to daughter on Mothers Day seemed to speak from your heart (at least to me) and her words were very dismissive back to you
They are all living in denial of reality and do not think that they have to be responsible for their own hurtful actions towards another...the consequences will come ...some day...somehow. Know you did the best you could with the knowledge and tools you had at the time...they are not doing the best they can and they have no empathy for anothers feelings.
AllK
We care. I am so glad that you have found a good counselor to bring you through the stages of grief. We are grieving our loss. Only God can change others. We pray. God bless you.