CHRISTIAN PARENTS of ESTRANGED ADULT CHILDREN Community Group
Estrangement makes it difficult to talk about with family, friends, neighbors and church members. Christians are NOT immune to broken families. Talk about your experiences with those who know how you feel and get positive support through your Christian faith...."In these last days difficult times will come, for men will be lovers of self...disobedient to parents,...
Prior to estrangement, when my EC was a teen living at home his behavior was downright mean. Each day things were unbearable with chaos and tension my constant companions.
A counselor who was seeing us said something to me that has always stuck with me. In order to try to survive each day at home with my EC, I had to actually type up a list of rules for him to follow and he had to sign it. They were things such as be home by a certain time, help with chores, no swearing, no drug or alcohol us, etc. While making up the list, I wanted to add Respect Your Mother. The counselor told me that half the things on my list I could really not make my teen do. One of those was respect your mother. She explained that I could give consequences if some of the things on the list weren't adhered to, but I couldn't make someone respect me or love me.
Now that my EC is an adult. I pondered tonight on that list. If I couldn't make him do half the things on that list in his teens, now that he is an adult how can I make him do any of those things? And what would the list be now if I could even make him sign one? Don't be estranged from me. Spend time with me. Call me. Don't forget me. Send me b-day cards. Love me. Respect me.......
Well, he'd never sign it now and it would never work. It didn't work even when he was a teen. Now I know why. I can't make anyone do anything. Its beyond my control.
So today, my new list for my EC is not one that he has to sign, its more of a list for me on how I will deal with my adult child. My list will change and evolve as we both continue to grow and learn from life.
For now, it might be something like this:
-I will live one day at a time and not bring up past mistakes or predict mistakes you'll make in the future.
-Because you lied to me yesterday, I will not assume that whatever you tell me today is a lie.
-I will not demand that you spend time with me, but I will let you choose how much time you want to spend with me and i will build my own full life.
-I will not expect you to send me b-day cards unless that is what you want to do and if I want to send you one anyway I will.
-I will not think that just because I am not on your mind day and night that you have forgotten me.
-I will understand that I cannot make you love and respect me, but I can love and respect myself by setting boundaries with you when you behave in a way that offends me.
Just some thoughts.
A counselor who was seeing us said something to me that has always stuck with me. In order to try to survive each day at home with my EC, I had to actually type up a list of rules for him to follow and he had to sign it. They were things such as be home by a certain time, help with chores, no swearing, no drug or alcohol us, etc. While making up the list, I wanted to add Respect Your Mother. The counselor told me that half the things on my list I could really not make my teen do. One of those was respect your mother. She explained that I could give consequences if some of the things on the list weren't adhered to, but I couldn't make someone respect me or love me.
Now that my EC is an adult. I pondered tonight on that list. If I couldn't make him do half the things on that list in his teens, now that he is an adult how can I make him do any of those things? And what would the list be now if I could even make him sign one? Don't be estranged from me. Spend time with me. Call me. Don't forget me. Send me b-day cards. Love me. Respect me.......
Well, he'd never sign it now and it would never work. It didn't work even when he was a teen. Now I know why. I can't make anyone do anything. Its beyond my control.
So today, my new list for my EC is not one that he has to sign, its more of a list for me on how I will deal with my adult child. My list will change and evolve as we both continue to grow and learn from life.
For now, it might be something like this:
-I will live one day at a time and not bring up past mistakes or predict mistakes you'll make in the future.
-Because you lied to me yesterday, I will not assume that whatever you tell me today is a lie.
-I will not demand that you spend time with me, but I will let you choose how much time you want to spend with me and i will build my own full life.
-I will not expect you to send me b-day cards unless that is what you want to do and if I want to send you one anyway I will.
-I will not think that just because I am not on your mind day and night that you have forgotten me.
-I will understand that I cannot make you love and respect me, but I can love and respect myself by setting boundaries with you when you behave in a way that offends me.
Just some thoughts.
We don't know what opportunities God will bring to us in the future with our EC, meanwhile we trust in Him.
I read somewhere that hate is really hurt and anger. Sometimes people lash out when they are in pain, though that doesn't make it right. Often, we can't take back what we wish we could, but we can make amends in the present.
But I have to say that I can't (won't?) go along with one of your steps...and that is the one about lying, "Because you lied to me yesterday, I will not assume that whatever you tell me today is a lie". Our son has lied to us for 20 years. So I have to assume that what he tells me today is a lie. That's the only way I can protect myself from disappointment and hurt. However, I can understand a parent not assuming that their child is lying when they haven't had such a long period of problems with their child.
I keep praying for everyone on this site to have a healing relationship with their child/children. I have learned how to be calmer when dealing with my son's behavior. I'm not totally at peace, but after reading suggestions from this site, I am better.
Sending up prayers for all...