Briefly.....mine is the typical story of a DIL that basically has a social life, her own family, and her 250 internet friends so she does not have time for her DH's parent in her life. In order to get us out of her life, lies were made up and told to our son. Our son chose to believe them instead of us. We cannot take down the barrier that she has set up. She made him choose between her and us. We lost. I don't have much hope of her changing.

To avoid repeatition...."DITTO" to Moriah's post. Ours are so similar our DIL's could have come from the same mold.

My story is very similar to your stories: I have 2 sons, and once they were married (or even before with one son), their wives have not found time for anyone but their own families and friends. I had a brief time of reconnection/reconciliation with my younger son, so that I was able to spend some precious time with his daughter; however, I have been cut off again. I have written letters asking for forgiveness numerous times (for whatever it was that I did). I have asked what it would take to be reconciled, and said I was willing to do whatever it took. There is no response to letters, emails, cards, gifts, phone messages. Both DILs spend all holidays with their families, and one ES and DIL spend all vacations with her family. There is basically no room in their lives/busy schedules for me. My sons have put their wives first, to the exclusion of relationship with me. It sounds like our stories are all similar, in that our children have chosen to exclude us and have no room for forgiveness or acceptance, even when forgiveness is asked for! It is comforting to know that I am not alone!

Be really careful about apologizing for anything you did not do. That sometimes gives them more ammunition to fire off at you or possibly they could lose respect -- as crazy as that sounds. I would be willing to meet them halfway but not 100% of the way. They need to take responsibility for their actions.

My profile sums it up in a few sentences although so much more history:
"I am a Christian woman, married, with 2 adult children and 5 grandchildren. I have an ES who has not spoken to me for approximately 8 months." But my estrangement started with my divorce and remarriage many moons ago. When I used "tough love" on my 15-year old son, he went to live with his dad and was out of my life for the next 10 years. One day, he came to visit me with his wife and 6 month old son thirteen years ago. We never discussed the past but I knew he still harbored anger and bitterness toward me. We have been walking that "eggshell" path for the last 12 years and over the past year ES began making remarks about the past. Also, during these past 12 years alot occurred and his children confided serious things to me and I had to make a decision concerning their safety and well-being. I never contacted any agency, however, when I told my son and daughter-in-law what their daughter had shared with me, they were pretty much in denial and took no action to seek counseling, etc. I could feel the tension developing and 8 months ago we had a pretty big argument and without a doubt I should not have said certain things, but we all know how that goes. He said to leave his house or he was going to call the police. Fortunately, my DIL has been instrumental in allowing me to visit with the GKs, but it becomes more stressful with each visit.
In addition to all of that, My DD sounds like some of your DIL's. Although we are not estranged and only live 1/2 hour from each other, you would think we lived in another state as much as she visits. Like your DILs, she has such a busy life...3 children, soccer (and more soccer (lol), playdates, new friends, dinners with HS/College friends, and the list goes on and on. I feel like those seniors who I used to hear complain about their children not visiting, but it is true. However, I think it happens earlier now then it did in the past because of the way our world is.
We need to continue to BELIEVE (and share with our sisters) that God is faithful, this is all part of His plan, and He will never leave us nor forsake us. And during all of this "stuff" we need to grow in our relationship with the Lord and begin our own lives.

It felt SO good to share my experience with ALL of you that I posted this reply within my DS Journal so that ALL of my DS Friends would understand WHAT effect having Estranged Children have on their parents and that they are not alone if THIS has happened to them... and that there are groups like ours available to them if THIS has also been THEIR experience...

I hope that others in THIS group will continue to SHARE their experiences as WE have to get it out on the OUTSIDE of your self rather than HOLD IT on the INSIDE where it will continue to HURT you...

Please CONTINUE to share ...

Hello,

It has been such a Blessing for me to find this site.I never even imagined that their were so many mothers and fathers who have been estranged from their children. I felt like it was me all me. I never knew that I could find people who I could talk to and share the deepest pain in my heart which never gets better with time it only gets worse.My story is so similar to notdeadtet's story. I was diagnoised with Psoriatic Arthritis and I have very limited mobility and I am homebound all day and all night. If it was not for the internet I do not know what I would do. For years I have shut myself off from the world. I am married and I have a loving husband. But it is hard to talk to him about the constant and never ending pain that I am in with not being in my childrens life. I do not have any friens or family to talk to. I have a hard time trusting anyone because I have been hurt so many times. So my husband and I stay to ourselves. It is so hard to trust people theses days. I hope that I can be of help to others who are going through the same thing.

Blessings,

Star

I want to REITERATE that THIS all occurred in my life 21 years ago... I am a SURVIVOR. I feel that GOD directed me to this PLACE of CHRISTIAN LOVE so that I can HELP in the HEALING...

I will FOREVER have this Hole in my heart until my Lambs RETURN to the Fold ... I will NEVER give up Hope. My hope is based in GOD who is the ALMIGHTY ~ Hands Down! Jesus Christ REIGNS! HE has my BACK...

My EC have come and gone in MY life like the Tide waters lapping on a beach ... I am here when THEY need me but I know they will NOT be there when I need THEM. That is a fact. But GOD has never allowed me to have VENGENCE in my heart or to ABANDON them as I did in my POST PARTUM. I am the PARENT. I have never become the CHILD.

I have gone ON with my life but not to their EXCLUSION... A couple of them even CELEBRATED with me when I graduated my COLLEGE degrees... I regularly INVITE them to share as I COMMEMORATE each milestone in my life as I advance ...Sometimes they come or NOT.. BUT I haven't given up ON them OR me... I write or call usually leaving a message as they don't always ANSWER. That usually happens when I haven't PREPARED myself for a potential conversation!

They don't always APPROVE of my choices/advances BUT I HAVE moved on in MY life. When they become
EC they tend to LOCK their memories of YOU into a time freeze as if THAT is ALL you are ever going to be. And to a great extent I DID lay dormant bec I was SO devastated that it ALMOST destroyed me as I became clinically depressed.

Do not let THIS happen to you! It will NOT serve any purpose to WALLOW in your sorrow...It is UNHEALTHY food for your mind. Find a DISTRACTION until you are better ABLE to acknowledge your loss without bitterness. REMEMBER God has a PLAN for your life AND this is part of it. Ask INSTEAD: GOD what is it you want me to LEARN from all of this? OR is this to teach my EC something ALSO? THIS is a time to remember Romans 8:28...AND all of GOD'S promises because we REALLY need them now.

Sorry I have gone on SO long but THIS TOO is an integral part of my story I HAVE to share...

NDY

I would like to ADD t this post in that in SHARING with my OWN DS Friends I was surprised to learn HOW MANY of them are IN or NEAR EC situations... Someone asked me if THIS was a growing TREND of sociey. I didn't KNOW how to react to that..

MAYBE just nobody wanted to talk about it before DS.org.. EC carries such a STIGMA with it THAT no one cares to talk about it. Or can find no one TO TALK TO.

If you are reading this AND have NEVER shared ~ THIS is the perfect place. There is nothing BUT support HERE...

NDY

I'm a widowed father of six adult daughters. and I'm fortunate that the youngest two (ages 27 and 29 --one married, one still single) aren't estranged. The oldest four daughters, however, have severed all ties with me and that keeps me from knowing my four young grandchildren,

none of the estranged want to talk about any hurts I may have caused them and have ignored my invitations and desire for counseling. The daughers who relate to me say they are as baffled as I am, though they have been able to maintain some relationship with their other sisters. Even so, I continue to hope: for example, my will leaves my estate equally to my six daughters and their heirs.

As others have said here, it's good to discover that I'm not alone.

Ray

Ray, Oh my, oh my, such pain you must be in. Suffering the loss of a wife, the estrangement of 4 daughters out of six and then 4 grandchildren. You certainly must be devastated!

This group has given me strength. I hope it helps you as much as it has helped me to come to a place where I can feel good about who I am as a person. I had begun to question everything I thought I was to the point I felt empty inside. I had accepted the blame for everything that went wrong to get us to where we were with this estrangement phenomenon. But, no more. I know I am not perfect, was never perfect, nor will I ever be perfect until the Good Lord takes me home. I have asked for forgiveness, I know Jesus has forgiven me and now I must move on. I hope you too come through this cycle and have peace with yourself as well. We are here for you through this extremely difficult time in your life.

GuelsMOm

WE are GAINING so many new Wonderful Members in our Christian Family. I want to continue to (bump) this post so that everyone who NEEDS to can let their grief have a tangible outlet. Our family is HERE for you...

YOU may share here IN PEACE and UNDERSTANDING with all that have been going through EC as YOU have!

NDY