gordos, I know you love your son and want to take his pain away just like every other mom has wished they could do - especially during the teenage years when the "girl of their dreams" suddenly finds herself another knight in shining armor. But, we can't and I think you know that. God allows people to suffer for various reasons - like when they get into a bad relationship and then wonder why it does not work out. If they did not suffer from the pain of what comes along with that, then they are not going to learn from it and will just repeat that behavior again. Moms love; and our compassion does not want the ones we love to feel the depths of pain from life's challenges. But love means that you want them to be responsible adults. We learned from our mistakes and so we have to let them learn through their own mistakes.

About the moving back in boundaries? Ask yourself this - even if he agrees to your conditions, has he been faithful in keeping his promises in the past? If not, do not be surprised if he agrees to it just to get home and then after a brief period of time, it's back to status quo. It does not seem like he likes the terms because he has not answered yet. What are you going to do if he agrees and after getting home he soon ceases holding to the agreement?

As far as DH's family goes, I'm sure they are concerned for their son's peace of mind but l would let that be and let them have their own opinions as long as they are not causing trouble between you and DH. You have too many other things to be concerned about right now, don't you think?

My heart goes out to you. What you are going through makes my situation look like a walk in the park - well, maybe a bumpy road in the park.

Peace to you today!

Guelsmom, He just texted me back & is MADDDD that we are going to charge him rent. NOW he doesn't want to move home. He says he has to keep up rent on his apt. in Omaha too. I guess that should tell me something..

P.S. My mother in law has ALWAYS caused problems between me & my hubby. Sorry to say, my hubby is a momma's boy. She has almost caused us to get divorced several times in the past 22 years. That's a whole other story I wont get into.

gordos....he is still trying to manipulate you into giving up the paying rent. If he wants to move home, he won't be paying rent in Omaha, right?

Yes, he still wants to keep the apt in Omaha so he can move back there. Another thing I pointed out to him is that nobody is going to hire someone for one or two months. I don't get it.

When a grown child moves back home because he has made some mistakes and needs his loving family to come around him and be a port in a storm, and he also understands that he needs to respect his parents and be a responsible adult in the situation, that is one thing. When a grown child moves back home hoping to use his parents' love as a way out of being responsible, that is another. Many children today want to remain just that, children. A child does not have to face the world. A child can expect others to pay his bills. A child can blame the "big people" when things go wrong.

I cannot tell you what to do. I can only tell you what I did. My son was 19. He had made a baby. And instead of putting on more hours at his job, he wanted to play video games and "save up for a house" over a period of time at his part time job. He wanted to treat his father and me like we were his servants and like we were less than the kind of people that he wanted to associate with. He wanted to take the side of people who had spit in our faces and yet use our resources so he could spend his own money to enjoy himself.

We told him he needed to move out. We showed him the new locks we were having installed. And we informed him that he needed to find his own place by a certain date. He didn't take us seriously. One night the vacation was over and the door was closed. I can still hear him pounding on the door, not in a pleading way, but in a rage, because the mommy who had always backed down wasn't backing down any more.

Within a week he had put more hours on his job, he found a nice little apartment and a roommate, and he was on his own. Yes, he was very, very angry with me. Yes, I cried and cried, in agony I cried. But now three years later, he is actually looking at houses to buy in March when his lease is up. He has another girlfriend because the first girlfriend didn't love him enough to get married and move in with him. The one thing that is a lingering sadness is that he lost his little boy. The girlfriend who said she would always love him swept him out of her life and out of her child's life. And the family that my son had preferred for five years to his own simply told him to go away.

My son doesn't associate with me much. We have dinner every two months or so, but I know he is still angry that I made a stand. He says he has a much better relationship with his new girlfriend. He is almost 22 and has a new car and is a manager at a catering business. Maybe when my son is older he will see that I had to do what I did. Believe me it was not easy. I still hear him pounding on the door. It still hurts so much. But my son is surviving. He's not drowning in the water. I made him swim, and he did.

Tikva, thank you for sharing that with me, I needed that. It is THE post painful thing in the world. My son is SO disgusted that we are going to charge him rent. I know that HE knows deep down, no one will hire someone to work just 1 or 2 months. He knows he would just mope, play video games, & sleep for as long as he could here. I cannot take that again. He moved back in when he was 20, & stayed for 2 years, rent free. He thinks he can talk to me however he wants & STILL be able to move back in at 28 years of age. He wants an extended vacation, I know he does. I am not going to enable him anymore, Im done! I feel liberated somewhat for doing this, but it still makes my heart ache. He loves to play the "Im going to kill myself", & the "I am going to be homeless & stop taking care of myself" cards. I weary from dealing with it, not tired, WEARY. Does that make any sense? I have been praying fervently to God to give my son strength, even though I know he isn't praying for himself.

Gordos4, first of all he can't play the homeless card on you if he is going to maintain his apartment. In your other post you said he accused you of being a bad mother. He also said that he has never had a successful relationship with a woman because the two of you never had a good relationship. So maybe it is time to ask him how he thinks a good mother of an adult man should act. Should she treat him like a twelve year old or encourage him to be a man and stand on his own two feet?

Gordon, There is truth spoken here. Tikva took a stand and her son had to mature. If you think your son would do the right thing I would say try it but as you have shared his history of following the rules speaks for themselves. One day your ES (and Tikva 's ES) will God willing thank you for the stand you took.

It is emotional blackmail...temper tantrums from a 2 year old in a 28 year old body...be very careful

Blessings

AllK

I saw a documentary several years ago about polar bears. You might look it up. It was narrated by Oprah Winfrey. We all know how adorable polar bear babies are and how their mothers are totally dedicated to their care. We've seen the pictures of them playing together and the mothers lying in funny positions cuddling their cubs.

In the documentary all this is shown. There is even a scene where the mother bear loses one of her cubs and grieves and lingers over the body not understanding why the little bear no longer follows and plays. But one scene stands out to me. The surviving cub grows up, and the mother and young bear almost her size walk along together. And then there is a moment. The mother bear suddenly just looks at the young bear that she has taken care of all this time. She looks at him intently and then turns and walks away...never to return. She may never see him again. But his time has come. He is on his own to survive and use the lessons that she has taught him all the time they were together.

I saw this documentary when my son was an older teenager, and I felt that soon that time would come. It came. I am a human mother, and so the grief remains. In human families sometimes the "little bears" grow up and treat their parents the way they should, and they stay close. But other children are like the polar bears in the documentary. They must go out on the ice flow alone without the presence of their parents. I don't know why that is. Perhaps people are just different from each other, and we just have to accept that.

I know that in the case of eagles, the mother eagle gradually puts sticks and uncomfortable pricks in the nest so that the little birds will be willing to fly away. They must or die.