CHRISTIAN PARENTS of ESTRANGED ADULT CHILDREN Community Group
Estrangement makes it difficult to talk about with family, friends, neighbors and church members. Christians are NOT immune to broken families. Talk about your experiences with those who know how you feel and get positive support through your Christian faith...."In these last days difficult times will come, for men will be lovers of self...disobedient to parents,...
Until last night. I have had the best attitude all Christmas, and had really been feeling a peace and acceptance that can only come from the Lord. Well last night my DH and I went to dinner with a group of our really good friends (all of them go to church with us). One of them asked something about my Christmas, and so I whipped out my phone and showed them a darling picture of all of us dressed in matching pjs for Christmas. Of course it was ALMOST ALL of us, minus my DS and his family. Well one of my friends quietly said, "Did you send this to him so he can see what he missed?" and I just sort of shook my head, and then another friend actually said, "Well I hope you invited him." I was stunned! I literally lost my breath and just sat there, with tears welling up. I quickly blinked and looked away and just sort of stammered, "Uh, well we have told him he and the baby are always invited, but remember, there are mental problems involved and we are truly fearful of her" and so forth. And then I promptly changed the subject. Now, I know these friends would never hurt me intentionally, and they are my sisters in Christ and we pray for each other, but it just reminds me again of how they just don't understand and never can. Anyway, it just completely ruined my evening. Happy New Year, yeah right.
deleted_user
It literally takes my breath away how people who know absolutely nothing about our situation feel that they are qualified to give us un-asked for advice. I am so sorry that your friends brought up a topic that has brought you so much pain, and then told you what you " should have " done. First of all, it's offensive, second of all who cares what you should have done, you only have today, not yesterday or tomorrow, and thirdly they are giving advice about a situation they know very little about. I have learned to tell those closest to me, and my pastor, when I really don't want any commentary or advice. I will say at the end of an email: " No commentary, please. And no need to answer. " This helps me when I am writing about something that I am very raw and hurt about it, and I know I just can't tolerate well-meaning advice. However, you were ambushed. Also, I have stopped talking about my situation with my ES and DIL when I am at church. But none of this would have helped you, as your friends just started telling you what you should do, and should have done, at a holiday gathering. You handled it very well, but I know it just caused you such totally unnecessary pain. We are all susceptible to well-meaning advice, because usually we have thought and agonized long and hard about our decisions re: our EC before we carried them out. And many of the decisions we have felt forced to make, because we had no other choice, caused terrible pain. So, to have a friend just casually judge our decisions or decision-making is just throwing salt on the terrible wound. I am so sorry this happened to you. Hugs and prayers to you.
gordos4
Im sorry that happened & ruined your good time. There are a few people that ask me how my ES is, knowing how it hurts me I live in a small town, & it is very judgmental & gossipy. I get SO tired of being judged not only by friends, but my own family.
Alana2
Agonized long and hard is true, and all the time. And yes, forced to make the decisions between a rock and a hard place.
lindajoan
So sorry you had to deal with this. It is so difficult to have to hear what others say when they can really never understand. Usually, they are well meaning but it still hurts. I have at times said before an event that the estrangement topic is off the table if I know the folks very well. Most of the time it is too spur of the moment to do so. Responding with "we are leaving them in God's hands or the situation still needs prayer" may quiet others down. You do not owe anyone an answer and you only listen to what God leads you to do. God give you His Shalom today.
NickyChips
I teared up reading your post Poodle Girl. Only those of us who have been in the same situation can truly understand how very painful that was for you, and I'm afraid that includes all of us in this group. I too have had very good friends say things that have really stung, and it can catch you unawares. I'm glad you are in our group, because you know you are safe with us. We get it. Please Lord, may you wrap your arms of love around our sister right now.
savedbyhim45
I had a friend ask me about my ES in front of a table of people , some I didn't know . It was very akward.
poodlegirl61
Thank you so much, my sisters! Your words are so comforting to me. I do feel better today and I am trying to not feel resentment towards my friends. I know it isn't their fault for not understanding. I barely understand it myself. And thank you for your prayers.
katesMom1995
you're so right, poodlegirl61… we can't expect them to understand when we can't grasp it ourselves. May they never have to know this battle.
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