Gordos, please remember when the prodigal son came home he was repentant and changed. His father welcomed him home with amazing grace and joy. If our adult children return home in bad shape we are enabling them to continue their pattern. They do not have to be totally changed but some sign that they desire change and are open to help is necessary. We can not do it for them. We do not want to enable bad habits for their sakes. I remember you sharing that you did not see your ES's openness to receiving help. You are a good, caring mother. Does anyone know his location?

Thanks lindajoan, No, no one knows his exact location. My youngest hinted that he knows ES is still living in Nebraska, but doesn't know where. I keep getting phone calls from 402 area code, & no one ever answers or says anything. I have often wondered if it's my ES. My youngest expressed some disappointment in me that I haven't searched for his lost brother. He also understands that his brother stole from me, basically threatened the whole family with a knife, exhibited poor choices at my dad's funeral, etc..so he somewhat understands.
It's me not being able to forgive MYSELF. I have prayed & prayed about it & wonder if God is also disappointed with me for the way I've handled the situation. I've always been ultra sensitive and have tended to totally take things onto myself. My husband just doesn't understand why I have been so unhappy. As I have said before, he is ES's stepdad. He doesn't feel it as deeply as I do. It's hard not being able to talk to him about it without him getting angry.

I agree with lindajoan's comments above. While we can relate to the prodigal son story, our stories are also different. And I think if our ES or ED came home repenting and loving, we would let them in. So far, sadly, none of us have seen much of that.

Well my prodigal son DID return home last January and seemed changed and so sweet, and tearful even. That was when he lied to us and took money from us and we haven't seen him since. He was just lying to us and hadn't changed at all and it was just a trick. So please be careful. And don't be so hard on yourself! Hugs!

Gordos, every family and situation is unique - and I know it's easy to get your heart strings pulled when you watch, see and read things as you did and then we question our selves and then our thoughts go down hill from there.

I'm in agreement with Lindajoan - the prodigal came home repentant - that makes ALL the difference. I'm sure you are a very loving Mother, but as long as your son remains unrepentant, ask yourself just how long do you think him coming home would of lasted before the next situation arose that made you regret you allowed him to come home? As long as we allow our children to get away with unacceptable, unrepentant behavior, the more we enable them to continue acting that way and treating us disrespectfully.

It's a long, often lonely road to be the "the tough guy" and use "tough love" with your adult children, but they need to learn and respect us as parents and our boundaries of what we will and will not tolerate.

Sometimes, sadly, they never learn. It's been 22 years for me in showing my ED what I will and will not tolerate as far as her disrespectful treatment of me and she still hasn't changed. And the result of that is that she has raised a son who now treats her just as she treats me. (banging head against wall).

As Mothers we will always worry if our EC are OK, that's the maternal side of us that will always be with us, but as much as you are concerned for him, you have to take care of you. Why do you think your husband believes his ES is taking care of himself? Maybe he can help to reassure you in this way.

Take care,
MountainGirl

Thanks Mountaingirl. My husband says that because my ES has always been pretty independent. He has lived in 4 large cities & taken care of himself. He always seems to take a nose-dive after being dumped by a girl. He has only had 3 serious girlfriends, & each was a bad choice. My husband tells me ES is taking care of himself, so he doesn't have to listen to me talk about it anymore. He is not supportive on this issue at all. This is the only place I can come & get some support. Thank God.

I get that Gordos - the step dad thing. I have the same situation - married to a man who never had children - but he's been in the picture with me and my girls and their families for 17 years. We are so close and he feels everything I do and visa-versa. If I'm sad, he's sad; if I'm happy, he's happy and I feel so badly for him at times that he's had to weather this roller coaster of emotions with me. I don't know what I would do without him. He's been so wonderful to both of my daughters and he's the only grandpa 6 out of 7 grandchildren has ever known. This is so hard everyone.

MG, my husband & I have been married for almost 24 years. We have a son together. I asked him once if he would feel more passionately about this if it were OUR son..He admitted that, yes, he would. It's been hard because neither my husband or his entire family have ever accepted my 2 oldest boys from my 1st marriage. He had a son too when we married & me & my family always treated him with equality. That's a whole other story though lol.

Gordos, Your DH may see the affect your ES had had on you and he is trying to protect you. Just a thought.

Condemnation is not from the Lord. You were a good mother to your ES and he has made poor choices as an adult. That is not our fault. We can only pray for them.

It seems this same theme is common for most of us. My ED would come and go from my life depending on what she needed from me. I would try to win her affection with gifts, and unexpected visits, but she wouldn't come to the door. When she needed money, then I would hear from her or her husband.
We all dream of the day our children return to us with loving hearts, but until The Lord changes them from within,
it will only hurt more when they pull away again.
Gordos, don't feel guilty. You have to look after yourself. Our EC want us to feel guilty, it's empowering for them. My son reminds me all the time how I've always been a good mother, and my ED's decision was her own poor judgement. I'll be praying for you........

Thanks Sommersmom, my other 3 boys have told me the same thing "you were a good mom". My middle son, who now has a son himself said "I don't know how you did it with 2 kids, being a single mom". I have my bouts with him too. Their father was a horrible man, & I realize now some of their behaviors mimic his. Bad behavior CAN be inherited through DNA, I believe that. Unfortunately, guilt is part of who I am. I have always felt guilt, since I was a child. I guess it's because I am not where I need to be in my relationship with God. I am working on it, it's a slow process. :-)

Well, I think the angel in that tv show was wrong. I do not believe God wants us to put up with horrible things from our adult children, including but not limited to being threatened with a knife.

They are adults, not children. That is key. We aren't mommies as we were when they were children, responsible for everything they do, and duty-bound to try to fix it. Whats more, we CAN'T fix adult children.

Also, as others have pointed out, change within them is required. Probably in that tv show the son had hit rock bottom, was changed, and was entirely repentant. There was no evidence that such was, or is, the case with your son. I think your husband is right in assessing that he manages to take care of himself. As well he should! He is a grown up! Not only that, but if he does have trouble, believe me, there are other people in his life he can call on, and if not, there are social services for adults.

One doesn't help another by enabling them in self- or other-destructive behavior. So what you did by not letting him move in was probably the BEST help you could actually give him! Have you ever thought of it in that light?

I also think it's time you forgive your husband for saying he hates his son, and forget it. All of us say things in emotion that don't really reflect our entire feelings. Your greatest responsibility now, i strongly believe, is toward your husband and your happiness together. (And, I forget if you still have children living at home; if so, to them, too.) "What God hath joined together, let no man put asunder."

I think you are being way too hard on yourself. You were between a rock and a hard place, and choose the best (to me, by far the best) option. We never like having to choose between the lesser of two bad choices, but we often have to, and being in that position was not your choice nor your fault. From my removed vantage point, I could not imagine God holding it against you because you didn't allow your dysfunctional and scary adult son back into your home to cause fear in your home, and no doubt create chaos and discord for those in the home, and damage your marriage.

So please, give yourself some peace over this. I can practically guarantee you it isn't bothering your son much (though he would be happy to tell you otherwise), and he probably wasn't at all surprised you didn't let him move in.



I

* for saying he hates your son, that should say.

My ES told us he'd been gay since he was 13 - now turning 30 next week. We told him we still loved him, even if we didn't agree with his lifestyle, and he knew growing up in a Christian home, accepting Christ, being baptized, etc. all the "right things", but still feels this way - not going to say "chose" - I really have no idea what happens - no abuse that we ever knew about, but we always kind of wondered...My ex makes good money, provides a free place for ES to live with him, and gave him a great-paying job working for him; so I always wonder just what is the ex saying to him about me. ES and ED used to come over for dinner after the ex and I divorced, then one by one, they stopped coming over. My ex told me they came over because they thought they had to, then once they realized they didn't, they stopped coming. I'm thinking, and just who told them they didn't have to come over anymore? They were 21 and almost 25 at the time of our split-now 26 and almost 30. ES just completely stopped calling/texting/coming over, or responding to my calls/texts/invites. ED came back around, after I kept apologizing for two years about being so sorry they both had to hear the ex and I arguing so much during our 28-year marriage. She said she forgave me and loved me. I cannot figure out why she's not talking to me now either. Their Dad has always handed them money whenever they needed it, so maybe that's why they're loyal to him - he's helped ED with college and living expenses, so maybe they see no reason to stay in contact with their "poor" Mom who can't help them financially. As if being divorced wasn't enough of a blow, then to lose both your kids; sometimes I just can't "wrap my brain around it". Family doesn't understand, and just get mad - not much compassion. I'm relying on the Lord and friends from church and Bible study as much as possible, spending lots of time in the Word and in prayer. I'm now praying for all of you too - finally people who understand this nightmare. Thank you for your wisdom and encouragement! (sorry for writing a "novel")...

I am so sorry for all you are going through, JesuslovesDeb. It is a testimony how you rely on God. So many of our ladies have experienced this kind of estrangement following divorce. They can share. It often involves lies from the X. Let's pray that your EC see truth. God bless you. We are here for you.