So it's your resident estranged daughter here, asking for more prayers and encouragement :)

After posting here recently for advice I worked up the guts to contact him. It is my feeling that he doesn't respect my boundaries so the gist of my email was that he be accountable for the blatant and proven lies he has said to me and about me. Letting him know that that's just not on with me. *sigh* it went about how you'd expect. Not well. I personally believe that if you can lie blatantly and repeatedly to someone, you don't love them. He, of course, denies he ever lied in the face of factual evidence, says I'm disrespectful to suggest it.

So, I just felt fed up to the gills. I made the personal decision that there would be no more attempts on my part. Before I could let him know that, he wrote me the same - a mail saying we just won't bother anymore, ever. Fine, no problems. Truly at peace with that. Just to tired to go on.

Then he writes ANOTHER mail the next day, saying the Lord has prompted him to try again, in which he asks that we start with a fresh slate, no preconceived ideas about the each other. He then tells me not to start by raising something negative from the past that bothers me, then in the next sentence proceeded to dictate to me not to mention anything to family about 'us'.

I find this hypocritical and I suspect a (subconscious, I hope) attempt at power and control over me, and at the same time a way to weasel out of having to be accountable for bad behaviour like lying.

However. Truth is I have no problem not gasbagging to family because, contrary to his opinions, I never have. So it's not really any skin off my nose other than I'm leery of allowing him to think he 'controls' that. As for letting him off the hook for lying AGAIN, I don't know if Im being gracious, or plain dumb.

Ultimately, I said 'ok'. End of the day, I'd love to have a father daughter relationship.

So he writes another email today, updating me on what he's doing, they have a new puppy, how happy he is, etc etc. He finishes by asking politely how I am. There is not really any emotion or love in the mail but it is a fine enough email. The first polite one I've recieved from him in probably 18months - 2 years. What I've been asking him for. So I should be thrilled, right?

It shocked me, reading it, just how tired and drained I feel. I don't have the reserves to be happy for him, to be interested in just how great he's been doing while he was hurting me at the same time. I don't have the energy to reply. I don't trust him to tell him anything about myself or my feelings. I want to be selfish and keep them to myself so he can't hurt me again.

So I need your prayers for grace and divine refreshment. Boy, do I need prayers and encouragement.