CHRISTIAN PARENTS of ESTRANGED ADULT CHILDREN Community Group
Estrangement makes it difficult to talk about with family, friends, neighbors and church members. Christians are NOT immune to broken families. Talk about your experiences with those who know how you feel and get positive support through your Christian faith...."In these last days difficult times will come, for men will be lovers of self...disobedient to parents,...
We called our youngest son yesterday (the one with the drinking problem). He has been holed up in his apartment wallowing in his misery. I get that a little, I have been so depressed at times, I haven't felt like going out of the house. He has had the opportunity to go out to his aunt & uncles house to work & make money. He hasn't, or wont. I know he is severely depressed, but will not go & seek help, like to get medication. I have literally BEGGED him to go to the doctor. We even offered to pay for it. He is applying for jobs, & say he has not drank a drop since he went to jail a month ago. I semi-believe him. He needs money to help him make rent & buy food. We are going to help him, this one last time. My husband is really mad at him, not only because he is being so lazy, but that he isn't even trying to help himself. I ended up crying for an hour last night, as I believe he has given up. My husband says he is tired of our son upsetting me like that. I still feel like it's my fault, I didn't teach him everything he needed to know, I passed it down to him, I molly-coddled him too much, etc...I don't want to lose another son.
I have a son who is a drug addict. Some very serious things have occurred as a result of his addiction. People blame me for everything bad in his life.. including him. I spent years feeling guilty, feeling I was a bad mother, feeling like I was a failure. It led me down a very dark destructive path. That path did not help anyone. It only made things worse.
I now have accepted God's forgiveness for any mistakes I did make while raising my son (and of course, I did make mistakes, as we all do). I no longer carry guilt. I no longer feel like I'm a failure. I no longer feel as though I was a bad mother. He is still angry with me, still will not communicate with, still will not allow me to see my grandchildren. I have learned, however, that his opinion of me is distorted. His anger serves a purpose for him... it allows him to continue in his addiction and not look inward, not grown and fight the addiction. It's called transference, I believe.
I live my life as a whole person now. I'm content, joyful, living a full and vibrant life. This is the most unselfish thing I can do for my son. When he does decide to make the changes necessary in his own life, he will have a mother who is strong. Being strong myself tells him that he can also be strong... after all, he is my son. If I am weak, it tells him maybe he cannot overcome, maybe he is weak like his mother. I don't want him to ever think that.
I know I'm rambling, and having a difficult time getting to my point. What I'm trying to say is that you somehow need to get past the guilt, give your son over to God, and show him how strong you are, so that he will know he can also be that strong.
I pray that your son will want to get the help he needs. Sometimes it takes reaching a bottom before they will do it. At that point, they are almost forced to find help. That is when they really want it. My son went to rehab when he was addicted,5 years ago,and was helped. At that point, (age 23) he was living under our roof and we forced it. When they are living elsewhere we have no human power over them. The power then becomes prayer. God is able. They have to want the help.