Hi Poodle, I haven't encountered a situation like that, since we have a very small extended family and all marriages have already taken place. Funerals are more likely to be the awkward time to run into my ES and his wife. That would be much easier I'm thinking because of the sombre occasion and emotions. My guess, and it's only a guess, is that I would acknowledge his presence with a nod or wave, but keep my distance and avoid any conversation. While trying to put myself in your shoes, I think I would treat them like I would any stranger ~ a friendly smile, then move on and get involved with a group of close family or friends.

Poodlegirl, the following is my response to your question. I acknowledge that it is not always easy to do, however.

If you are invited to a family gathering, you should go, hold your head up high, put a smile on your face, and act as though nothing has happened. If people ignore you, that's their problem--not yours. If people exclude from conversations, that's their problem--not yours. If people are rude to you simply excuse yourself and move to another table, another room, or anywhere away from them.

I had a gathering yesterday for Easter, and this is exactly what I did. You know what? I felt good about myself afterwards. Yes, it hurt when I heard people inviting others to their home and not inviting me. It hurt when someone refused to acknowledge my presence. However, I still had a wonderful time, and feel good about myself. Pray before you go, and pray while you are there. God will give the strength.

Hi Poodlegirl. Early on in the estrangement with our ED, my sister decided to host a family thanksgiving dinner. It was 2012 and she invited our ED, her new husband and all the extended family. I knew I would be a basket case and our family (hubby and our other 6 children) chose not to attend. My sister used a facebook group party app to invite everyone, which was the only way I knew she had invited our ED. No one else in the family seemed to know the truth about what our ED's manipulative husband was capable of and the fact that he had blocked us from our daughter on facebook and isolated her from any influence from us, her parents. She was barely 18, he 28 and recently divorced to pursue her, when all this happened. She had only known him for a year and was already married to him. As long as you agreed with him and his version of reality, you were accepted. My sister, who felt she was the matriarch of our family after our parents died, decided she knew better than I when it came to our daughter. Her actions broke my already broken heart as I felt doubly betrayed. She basically blamed us for the estrangement siting the "fact" that she had managed to NOT be estranged from her two daughters because of HER actions and therefore I must be to blame for our situation. I let the family know on facebook that we would not be attending and why, basically expressing our broken hearts over the unresolved estrangement. Seems no one really cared. My other sister all but laughed in my face at a family baby shower earlier in the year. I, on the other hand, was trying my best not to cry. My pain in regards to my daughter's estrangement seems to have made my extended family quite happy. I guess they never really cared much for me. I have virtually no relationship with my living siblings. I found out bit by bit how each of them actually encouraged our ED to do what she did. None show a shred of remorse. So, we made a decision not to attend anymore family functions unless we are the hosts. We had a visit from our ED the night before we moved overseas, but I would not call what exists now "reconciliation". She unblocked us from facebook and we exchange pleasantries, but our relationship is dead. I live very far away now and don't have to worry about get-togethers. I do dread the thought of them on our future visits, though. There was never an acknowledgement of wrongdoing on the part of our ED nor her husband. We merely made a concession on their behalf, but the evil that this young man is and the stranger that our daughter has become still remains the same. I hope you find a solution you can live with in this area. Remember to care for yourself in your decisions. We have spent our lives, as parents, caring for others, especially our children. We based our decision not on what would make us "happy", but what would make us the least sad. Sorry for the long post...

I appreciate each one of your thoughtful replies. Rosearch, I especially relate to what you are saying, because my sister in law (the mother of the niece who got married last fall) has been especially cruel to me over this estrangement. I really do think she is the one who decided to invite ES and DIL. When it became apparent they weren't coming, these were her exact words to me, "Gee, this must be tough on you, and I am not saying it is ALL your fault, but you and your husband really are into that tough love stuff, aren't you?" WHAT DID THAT MEAN? Basically what I took from that is that she DOES think it is mostly our fault, for staying true to our Christian beliefs and not letting them trample all over us anymore. And I totally get the feeling betrayed part. The rest of my family aren't as cruel as my sister in law, they are just clueless. They really think it was just a simple spat, and easily gotten over. They just don't understand. But my sister in law does, and I do sometimes get the feeling she is secretly enjoying this. Enjoying seeing me suffer! Weird, I know, but that is how I feel. And I don't dare tell any of them to please stop inviting ES and his wife, because then that REALLY makes me look like a monster. But I can't just not go, because my 90 year old mother would have a fit, and I know she doesn't have many more years left, and I go to honor her. So I will continue to go, but I will probably do as Grandmothersheart did, and just put on a happy face and hold my head up, and smile, and be cordial, but stay over in the other part of the room.

Sorry I saw this late, poodle. I agree with you. With the strength of the Lord you can do it. I would pleasantly acknowlege your ES and leave the rest to him. As you said, you are mostly doing it for your mom.

Our extended family does not include my ED out of respect for us and the fact that she turned on them,also

The other thing I did, is I spent most of my time (other than when I was doing the hosting part), I spent most of the time playing with my great-nephew. I had so much fun! As did he. Totally took my mind off the nonsense. I really had fun.