CHRISTIAN PARENTS of ESTRANGED ADULT CHILDREN Community Group
Estrangement makes it difficult to talk about with family, friends, neighbors and church members. Christians are NOT immune to broken families. Talk about your experiences with those who know how you feel and get positive support through your Christian faith...."In these last days difficult times will come, for men will be lovers of self...disobedient to parents,...
Do any of you remember that song by 38 Special? Not Christian music, but a popular song back in the day. It's called Hold on Loosely.
Just hold on loosely and don't let her go.
If you cling too tightly you're gonna lose control
You're baby needs someone to believe in
and a whole lot of space to breathe in.
Been reading a book titled "I Thought We'd Never Speak Again" and it has a section about how all relationships whether estranged or not, fluctuate from time to time in how close they are. Its says in all relationships there are times of laughter, anger, concilliatory words and deep intimacy. With each person, we determine our level of closeness.
If we were to re-enter into a relationship after estrangement, we need to consider the kind of contact that will best serve the relationship and us. They have these questions to help you figure out what kind of reconnection you hope to create:
Am I trying to restore a relationship that was once intimate and loving and is it possible to have that kind of closeness again?
Under what conditions would I consider a partial or compromised relationship?
Do I want to set up terms of re-engagement to help negotiate limited reconnection?
Am I trying to clean up unfinished business so I can let the relationship go?
Am I looking for reckoning and truth-telling or do I want to pick up the relationship in the present and let sleeping dogs lie?
Would it be wise to re-engage around neutral activities in safe settings or do I want to address the roots of the conflict right from the start?
Good food for thought - in the meantime, I will "Hold on Loosely".
Just hold on loosely and don't let her go.
If you cling too tightly you're gonna lose control
You're baby needs someone to believe in
and a whole lot of space to breathe in.
Been reading a book titled "I Thought We'd Never Speak Again" and it has a section about how all relationships whether estranged or not, fluctuate from time to time in how close they are. Its says in all relationships there are times of laughter, anger, concilliatory words and deep intimacy. With each person, we determine our level of closeness.
If we were to re-enter into a relationship after estrangement, we need to consider the kind of contact that will best serve the relationship and us. They have these questions to help you figure out what kind of reconnection you hope to create:
Am I trying to restore a relationship that was once intimate and loving and is it possible to have that kind of closeness again?
Under what conditions would I consider a partial or compromised relationship?
Do I want to set up terms of re-engagement to help negotiate limited reconnection?
Am I trying to clean up unfinished business so I can let the relationship go?
Am I looking for reckoning and truth-telling or do I want to pick up the relationship in the present and let sleeping dogs lie?
Would it be wise to re-engage around neutral activities in safe settings or do I want to address the roots of the conflict right from the start?
Good food for thought - in the meantime, I will "Hold on Loosely".
Quite often, estrangement occurs over minor things that might have occurred, like "you were supposed to repay that loan and you didn't." In cases like that, if there can be mutual agreement, the loan gets paid off or mutually agreed to dismiss it, then normalcy could be a realistic expectation unless there has been hateful, demeaning and lies told about the situation and each other. When there has been character assassination, it is hard to forget that kind of thing I would think.
If I were to quickly give an answer to those questions, I would say:
1- No, too much character assassination.
2- That is a toughie for me. Do I hold out for an apology or not? An apology would mean that they/DIL manufactured all those imaginary evils. I don't see her doing that.
3- Tried that. Didn't work.
4- No.
5- I don't think that is a possibility in our situation. I know others have done it but I don't think that it is long-lasting.
6- Part a, eggshell walking. Part b, I think that is better for a long-term relationship.
Hanging on "loosely" is a good thing if it is possible. In my situation, there is nothing to hang onto at the present time.
I see it as that both parties in an estrangement have to be willing to "give" and "return" whatever it takes to help towards reconciliation. Personally, I prefer to let sleeping dogs lie as they say. For me, the past is over and done and I live in the present. Hopefully, all of us learn from our past mistakes, but that's where they belong - in the past.
As for holding on loosely, I hold on to the hope that all things are possible for God, but I hold on loosely because I am a mother forever, but I don't cling too tightly because I have to go on iiving with or without my EC and I trust the one who is holding on tightly - God.
You would make a great Book Club leader!
Pearl