CHRISTIAN PARENTS of ESTRANGED ADULT CHILDREN Community Group
Estrangement makes it difficult to talk about with family, friends, neighbors and church members. Christians are NOT immune to broken families. Talk about your experiences with those who know how you feel and get positive support through your Christian faith...."In these last days difficult times will come, for men will be lovers of self...disobedient to parents,...
My ED left the end of July. When I checked her phone records she was texting her bf's aunt and uncle 4 hrs. away, so I called and asked to speak to her. They became angry, said she wasn't there and never to call again. Then during elections she got mail at our address for someone running in that area. I took it someone was trying to tell me that she was there and I started mailing letters. Nothing came back return to sender, so I called last week asking if I could bring her a Christmas gift. They again became angry and said if I called again they would sue me with harrassment. They also said they never got the letters.I called bf today and left a message about the Christmas gift. He called me back angry that I called his aunt/uncle and him. He said they were mad they were getting letters for her, so they lied about that. He said that my ED doesn't want the gift and doesn't want anything to do with us. I said I would perfer to hear it from her. I didn't understand how the day before she left I told her I loved her and she said I love you back. He said she believed all my" I love you" were said as a lie and she just lied back. I said what about the ways I showed it like when she was in the hospital in Feb. getting her appendix out and I stayed with her the whole time. He responded well, you didn't want me there. I reminded him that he could come, but I perfered he didn't since she needed to rest. If he came it could only be for a short time. He came and the nurse ended up kicking him out because she wouldn't rest. She had just come out of surgury and they wanted her to sleep. I again said all I wanted was to hear from her so we could patch things up. All I've heard from her is when the police did a well check (gave them bf's phone number) the day she left and they had her call. She was crying, said I'm sorry and hung up. The bf said I was a lier and we talked for 20 min. I would've remembered a 20 min. conversation. I'm so hurt that my ED thinks I don't love her. He also said ED doesn't want to hear from me anymore because she doesn't want to remember us anymore. My heart is just broken.
http://www.borderlinepersonalitydisorder.com/understading-bpd/a-bpd-brief/
Certainly not diagnosing your daughter...mine hasn't been officially diagnosed either. I've just read things in my daughters journal and heard her say things a lot like that.
Curious, has she always been a very compassionate person usually? One that kind of pulls for the underdog? Maybe even a little over-sentimental? My daughter has always been all these things...except to us these past few years. We thought this boyfriend might be just a lost puppy syndrome for her...which he still might be. They sure love to pour on the guilt and use his epilepsy to do it a lot. Girls like this are such easy targets for manipulative people.
Between the ages of 17 to around 26, life with my son was not pleasant by any stretch of the imagination. At age 17, he had become so defiant about house rules and very mouthy that he moved out and in with a group of boys in the worst part of town. It was party time, drugs and alcohol ran freely. (although I do not think he actually was involved with drugs at that time. Experimented once or twice but not addicted.
After one year, I could tell he was miserable. I gave him a big hug and said; "You want to come home now?" Tears came to his eyes and he just said; "Yeah." We helped him get his stuff and he moved back home. He "started" to grow up a little bit but still had no ambitions beyond working in a pottery workshop painting pottery. He thought that was wonderful. We tried to encourage him to get some kind of education but he was upset that we were more concerned about how he would ever support a family if he me a girl and wanted to get married.
He moved from one menial job to another until about the age of 25. Then someone offered him a good paying job out of state along with 2 other kids his age. He had to move 500 miles away. We had seen quite a bit of growth just prior to that so we thought this would be good for him. The first year in his new state, it was the same party atmosphere though. Then he met a friend that went to church and he began to go back to church. He got bored with the party atmosphere and the way they lived. We had hope.
He moved in with his Christian friend and it was the best thing that ever happened to him. Then he got his own apartment and had to become responsible for his own bills, his car, and his job. Things still weren't as well as we thought they should be though - although there were huge improvements. Living so far away we thought something was going on that he was not telling us and we did not know until later on that he had become addicted to drugs, pornography and was practically living with his girlfriend at the time. With the help of his Christian friend, he got off the drugs and the pornography and became more involved with the church.
That is when he met his present wife who was divorced at the time. (You can see the "family" at the bottom in the photo section.) They got married, had our GD a year later (she would not have sex before marriage either!) and the day he brought his daughter home from the hospital, he started signing up for online classes that would give him degrees to improve his salary and further his career.
Although we are estranged, it is primarily due to issues that plagued our DIL as she was growing up as well as traumatized through a failed marriage. In spite of that, he is happy. His wife is happy. The grandkids are being brought up in a wonderful environment. This we are so grateful to the Lord's work in his life. There is hope for you too.
I say all this because when I read your stories, and many other's like it on here, I think back to those years of horror, yes horror. I often say that if God gave me the choice of having to live my life over again, I would say; "NO THANKS!" Not that I didn't need a do-over for myself (hindsight is always 20/20) but that I never, ever wanted to walk through those young adult years again. This estrangement may be a nightmare, but those years were the worst of the worst.
I guess what I am trying to say is that I understand what you all are going through because your kids sound like my son a few years back. My son came through it and grew from it. I wish I could guarantee you that all of your sons and daughters will too but of course I can't do that. Only God knows what is in the future for each one of them.
I think the one piece of advice that I would give parents with kids that are still in those phases of immaturity is to ignore a LOT of what you know, suspect and don't look for things that are only going to create a divide that may not go away. I could not change my son during those years. He himself had to have a very good reason to want to change for the better. Marriage and a family did that for him (with a lot of help from above). I knew my son had good in him, he just didn't see it for himself.
Right now, as long as my ES is married to this girl, I don't believe our son will upset the apple cart. Life is too good for him right now. .I would not want it any other way - except that we could be a part of their life.
Hang in there, keep on your knees and just let them know you love THEM but not what they are doing.
Many of us here, sadly, relate to this scenario. I have had to focus on the Lord more and I know He can change others and I can not. He is always working, behind the scenes, even when we do not see it. We will keep praying for our EC to come to the place in their lives, only with God's help, where they will see the truth of what they have done. Until then, we can move forward with His grace one step at a time.