So sorry your estranged son does this "on and off" emotional game with you. My case is similar, however, I haven't heard my son's voice in over three years, nor seen him physically...you know..a face to face meeting since October of 2011...but some very short communication via text messaging.

I'm hard pressed to think that an actual conversation in real time would change anything with my ES now since he's made it clear that it's his decision to not have anything to do with us..myself, his Dad..my husband of 35 years, and our other two adult children..his siblings. I sometimes get weepy, thinking that even a telephone conversation would be nice, so I'm not able to relate to your relationship as much.

Nevertheless..it is truly disrespectful what our estranged adult children are doing to us, as we deserve to be treated with kindness and the same measure of respect that I'm sure they give to everyone else in their work environments, and others who deal with them on a daily basis. Why do my daughter in law's parents get to see their child..our only grandson, and not us??? I did once let my ES know that I was truly hurt deeply that he treats her mother so respectfully, and yet, I was the one who gave birth to him and raised him...with God's help. How he can toss all those years of love and caring and mothering out the window...this I will never understand?? He'd never even met this other woman until he was well over the age of 25 when he met his then girlfriend, who's been his wife for 8 yrs now. My son will have to answer to God some day...so I keep praying for his soul, and that God keeps on his tail...maybe planting a solid Christian in his pathway, at work, or perhaps a caring Christian neighbor??

Any type of communication at this point in time would be so helpful in my case, but I do understand where you are coming from.

I've been off this forum for two or three months...it's been difficult as I've had some serious health issues to deal with lately, and I find Christmastime a real emotional mountain to climb when it comes to this serious estrangement in my family. I so miss not being able to enjoy my little three year old grandson, not ever been allowed to even give him any gifts, nor received any photos of him....

Only the Lord can help us get through this.....
(((hugs)))
Maddie

For me, the estrangement can be traced right to attitudes of disrespect learned from their father who respects nobody other than himself, and my own family who have always treated me as the black sheep. I didn't realize this was happening until I started to pull away and went for counselling, and also began to read up on these terms. When you're in a situation it's difficult to see what's happening. I've had to come to terms with the fact that until something major happens in their world nothing is going to change as it relates to me.

Your question was about communication with estranged children. For me, there is zero communication. The last time we spoke my daughter yelled at me, telling me she wanted my husband (we are newly married) to know what sort of woman he had married. She then said "You don't even care!" and hung up. That was in early July, and was the second phone call in a year. The phone call the previous year was similar in tone.

They have all sorts of ways to justify their behaviour in the minds. At the end of the day, I simply don't fit into their lives.

The estrangement with my son began 4 months ago. He made it extremely clear that he has absolutely no use for his Dad or me and wanted no more contact of any kind. That spread to his wife, and they won't allow us to see their 3 children. To be honest, I have come to the place of finding more comfort in no contact than in having contact and hearing terrible things. I have enough knives in me now and my husband feels the same. It's better to have silence. We think about and pray for them all the time, ask the Lord to bless and heal them.
Some of the words I've been told echo in my mind like a looped tape. I really don't want to hear any more.
I'll get real personal here. I don't want him notified of my death until after I'm in the ground. I don't want him coming and doing any fake mourning. I can't say I have much agreement with that from this end, how do you feel about that? It's honestly not out of spite. I have attended 2 funerals where there were fake mourners and everyone knew it. I thought it was highly disrespectful to the parent.

Barbyzhere, it's interesting… I was thinking that very thing yesterday. I was thinking of re-writing my will, and stating in it that my children are not to attend my funeral. Haven't done it yet, but certainly may well do it in the near future. Might include my sisters in that as well. Like you, I do not wish to have fake mourners at my funeral. If they are not here for me now, why should they be there when I die?

I can relate also. My ES has been doing the same thing for years up until June, when he said Id never hear his voice again. When his verbal abuse was at its height, my other son told me "mom, he's on drugs, that's why he runs hot/cold" I was very naïve & didn't know he was doing drugs..Percocet & speed I heard. Lord only knows what other drugs he was taking. I have been in a real funk for about 4 days now. Feeling better today. ((hugs)))

Momma, I do not have a similar estrangement. Our ED does not contact us often. Texts were just a few this year. She lives and works close and ignores everyone including my elderly mother. One day she may regret her choices but that will not be until a bottom is reached, we think.

I do not think disrespect is acceptable behavior. More importantly either does God. The commandment is clear.

I agree with the one who said they do not want fake mourners at a funeral. My elderly mother agrees it is what a person does in a lifetime that counts.

I've talked over with my husband the issue of funeral attendees and we are both in agreement. I'm going to modify my will to state that my estranged children will not be welcome at my funeral. Thanks for bringing this up, barbyzhere.

I'm not sure if putting it in a will is going to bring about the desired results. The will may not be read till it's too late. I really appreciated the fact that my Mom and Dad left funeral wishes. They detailed what hymns they wanted sung, what solos and by whom, and it helped a lot in a time of turmoil. I have taken their example and written my "death wishes" for my daughters to go by. They'll know right up front who to call - including their phone numbers. Even if it's only 6 people, I only want the ones who truly loved me to be there. Personally, I believe everyone deserves that.
I hope this doesn't sound maudlin, because I don't plan on dying soon. I'm by nature a very organized person. Always prepared ahead of time, or at least I try to be. For example, my Christmas shopping is done and wrapped. That's just the way I like it. Can't deal with last minute stuff.
P.S. As lindajoan said, I believe my son will have to hit rock bottom before he appreciates his parents. Might not be while we're still here.

MommaDarling my heart hurts to hear this happened!! It makes no sense! Who can fathom this kind of behavior from a child? I know I can't! But I do personally find some comfort in knowing that it seems to be a trend in the generations of children represented here....in that it proves there is no clear reason presenting itself to us that shows a mistake we made...it seems to be a spiritual disease....how then do we "inoculate" them or ourselves? God's love and grace...that's all I know to think about this!

In response to all the talk of funeral wishes here, I will add a bit of info I researched due to not having much money for funeral expense at this time. If you have money to prepay, you can be in total control of the situation without waiting for the will to be read. You can also leave your last wishes, separate from your will, with someone care you trust to carry them out, with the will as back up in case of a dispute. The key is having someone in charge that knows where you have kept this info, so that it get's carried out.

Due to our financial situation, up until we began our recent reconciliation with our oldest son, DH and I had decided on a private burial in less than 24 hours to reduce cost of having to embalm, with a by invitation only memorial to be held at a later date at a local church of our choice. This then would prevent the unwelcome appearance of an EC with malice in their hearts to add strife during the services and stress on the grieving spouse/parent in having to deal with the loss and deal with the EC at the same time....something I knew I would not be up to doing.

I also believe that it is up to the family to post an Obituary in the paper, and as long as you are planning on having a memorial later for friends and family, you can have the burial be totally private and out of the paper until after it is completed if done in first 24 hours...the question you must ask yourself....will I be ok without the usual funeral proceedings of visitation and funeral in the way of closing for myself, or can I be ok with doing it a different way that is easier on me emotionally?

DH and I will still probably go through with the private burial in 24 hours, and a later by invitation only memorial service at a church, even with the oldest son back in our lives, but include him and either arrange for a time of private good bye for the other two that do not involve the spouse left behind, or exclude them as planned...depends on how the oldest reacts to our plans.

It sounds like your Es is on drugs or has mental problems. People don't change emotions that quickly without a reason. I don't know if there's a person who could talk to him about counseling that you could talk to that he would trust. Otherwise pray that he gets to the point that he recognizes he needs help.