CHRISTIAN PARENTS of ESTRANGED ADULT CHILDREN Community Group

Estrangement makes it difficult to talk about with family, friends, neighbors and church members. Christians are NOT immune to broken families. Talk about your experiences with those who know how you feel and get positive support through your Christian faith...."In these last days difficult times will come, for men will be lovers of self...disobedient to parents,...

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MariaStevie 10/30/2011

I'm coming to a cross-roads with the estrangement my adult child has chosen. Prior to my dear mother's passing, I was at peace with no longer reaching out to my EC as I felt I did all I could do to reconcile on my part. Then after my mother passed, my EC showed up albeit late to the funeral luncheon and their were words of love from my EC, but his behavior didn't match the words. It was more about hinting for money. Now, there is silence again.

With EC's b-day coming up next week, I have decided to make two more calls and then really let go and let God. One call will be to leave a message wishing EC a happy b-day and say, "Haven't heard from you. We're making plans for Thanksgiving. Call if you want to join us." If I don't get a response, I will call a couple weeks before Christmas and leave another message to say, "I hoped to hear from you for Thanksgiving. Hope you choose to keep in touch."

That will be my closure for myself and I will let go and let God knowing that to continue making all the effort and getting none from my EC is not only hurtful and unhealthy for me, but it gives me no closure and it enables my EC to mistreat me.

bluemoonlight 10/30/2011

MariaStevie, I think your plan for closure (at least for the time being) is an excellent one. And it's really all that you can do tonremain within healthy boundaries. I pray God gives you peace as you trust him with this matter and take the next steps.

You are right that making all the effort toward peace is unhealthy for us and opens the door for our EC to mistreat us. The last letter I wrote my ED (about 9 months ago) was intended to be a new beginning, but it turned out to be a closing. Everything I said in it, she either, twisted out of context, completely ignored or cruelly mocked. It was an unexpected blow that left me devastated for some time. Finding others to share with here has played a very signifigant part in my healing process.

As for your question - whether you've really let go & let God - you will know when you have. The peace of God will rest on you as you trust him to work out what you are incapable of bringing about on your own.

At least, that has been my experience with letting go. For me it means realizing that the mess is just too big for me and trusting the Lord COMPLETELY with my situation, while continually praying for a healthy & restored relationship, if it's His will.

-Bluemoon

MariaStevie 10/30/2011

Now I'm down to one last call. Happy B-Day and that's it. I thought about it and I should'nt have to tell my EC to call his own family to make plans for Thanksgiving - he's an adult!

I pray that God will work in his life, but I also pray for the strength to no longer subject myself to emotional blackmail.

deleted_user 10/30/2011

Your idea is one of hope and we believe all things are possible through Jesus Christ. However, as many have stated previously on this website, we also must not lose ourselves and yield all the power to our children. Essentially estrangement is control by the child. If you want to give it 2 more tires, who knows, maybe you will be successful. My prayers are with you. In my situation, I refuse to let our ES use and control us any longer - that's on a strong day but on others, I want to go running to him with my arms wide open. The main thing I must realize is that I absolutely have no power to change him but I can change the way I react to him. So, after your attemps, I feel you must hand it all over to God. It's a struggle for me as well but I pray daily that the Lord will help me to hand it all over and not think about it. We are all similar in our situations but yet each of our situations is slightly differ4ent. This whole past year our ES used us to get money then told us he didnt' want us in his life any longer. How much are you willing to sacrifice. I think we did too much and now he feels he can throw us aside like trash. I will be praying for you.

GuelsMom 10/30/2011

Blue and Maria, for me it seems that each insult, each twist, each ignored message, and each mockery and each rejection of offers to talk things out, has just made letting Go so much easier. It makes the emotional turmoil flatline eventually. I don't know if it is just numbness or peace of mind sometimes. Whatever it is, it is just better than it was a few years ago.

MariaStevie 10/30/2011

Thanks all. It just seems so "mean" to me to not acknowledge my EC's b-day even though my b-day and his other family members b-days, holidays, are not acknowledged by EC. Even my dear mother's funeral was acknowledged only at the tail end of the funeral luncheon. I'm just disgusted with my EC's actions, though I still love EC and always will. I think that they do use estrangement as emotional blackmail and if we buy into it, we allow them to hurt us. If we don't, they have to deal with our silence too.

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