CHRISTIAN PARENTS of ESTRANGED ADULT CHILDREN Community Group
Estrangement makes it difficult to talk about with family, friends, neighbors and church members. Christians are NOT immune to broken families. Talk about your experiences with those who know how you feel and get positive support through your Christian faith...."In these last days difficult times will come, for men will be lovers of self...disobedient to parents,...
I love the old song.. "We've come this far by faith, leaning on the Lord. Trusting in His holy Word.. He's never failed us yet."
I was estranged from my daughters 2 years ago following the return of their father into their lives. His legacy is one of incredible pain of every sort. I found myself in the chapel on that Mother's day.. barely able to stand .. lighting candles, writing prayers .. desperately sad. Barely felt human, it hurt so much. A woman came to sit with me after the service, put her arm around me, and prayed in the spirit "You will not be robbed, I will go before you.. " and other wonderful promises. I believed Him. It gave me enough to hold onto .. while I waited.
I logged onto this site and found friends who understood. I sought advice and took it. I was admonished to accept my daughters are not my peers; I can't expect a democracy. It's clearly not fair. Was I was willing to live with my own needs misunderstood? They don't have as much life experience yet. That demands on them are likewise intense from their perspective. Someone has to "man the ship" .. and that someone is me. Just like a naval commander (or any leader) must keep his focus when his men talk against him .. and not lose a beat.
Developing peer relationships was necessary. Taking my needs there. Examining what I was doing to contribute to the problem. What I identified was .. that I was stuck on trauma. I've been diligent to move out of that fog. I'm not perfect about it .. but making progress. I kept an open door. Found ways to connect .. and ways to promote independence. . I read books about how necessary it is for our children to separate from us. That's a normal process. And necessary for their full maturity.
Life is not static. Can't take a picture .. and all is well.
We're all in a much richer .. better place. Even the estrangement .. just added to the fullness.
I kept whispering to myself .. "I refuse to be afraid." Because I was. I even slept on the floor for months .. because somehow .. it felt better.
These are our children. Period. We want so very much to leave a legacy .. of faith. Of goodness. After we're gone. Not a mantle of guilt. But of blessing.
Amen?
I was estranged from my daughters 2 years ago following the return of their father into their lives. His legacy is one of incredible pain of every sort. I found myself in the chapel on that Mother's day.. barely able to stand .. lighting candles, writing prayers .. desperately sad. Barely felt human, it hurt so much. A woman came to sit with me after the service, put her arm around me, and prayed in the spirit "You will not be robbed, I will go before you.. " and other wonderful promises. I believed Him. It gave me enough to hold onto .. while I waited.
I logged onto this site and found friends who understood. I sought advice and took it. I was admonished to accept my daughters are not my peers; I can't expect a democracy. It's clearly not fair. Was I was willing to live with my own needs misunderstood? They don't have as much life experience yet. That demands on them are likewise intense from their perspective. Someone has to "man the ship" .. and that someone is me. Just like a naval commander (or any leader) must keep his focus when his men talk against him .. and not lose a beat.
Developing peer relationships was necessary. Taking my needs there. Examining what I was doing to contribute to the problem. What I identified was .. that I was stuck on trauma. I've been diligent to move out of that fog. I'm not perfect about it .. but making progress. I kept an open door. Found ways to connect .. and ways to promote independence. . I read books about how necessary it is for our children to separate from us. That's a normal process. And necessary for their full maturity.
Life is not static. Can't take a picture .. and all is well.
We're all in a much richer .. better place. Even the estrangement .. just added to the fullness.
I kept whispering to myself .. "I refuse to be afraid." Because I was. I even slept on the floor for months .. because somehow .. it felt better.
These are our children. Period. We want so very much to leave a legacy .. of faith. Of goodness. After we're gone. Not a mantle of guilt. But of blessing.
Amen?
I was taught a fractured faith .. everything about the Lord was twisted .. so much so.. a child, I trembled all through the night .. fearful of His return and I would not be ready .. I woke my parents .. but they could not, or would not .. comfort me. Yet .. He saw .. and helped me. One day.. I was so sad.. as if my spirit was leaving my body and I heard these word "Get up and live." And I did.
I am susceptible to depression. I'm reaching out for help this morning. I am leaving my life group from my church... I've been a part of for almost 3 years. The group is intended to have sistas to go through life with. Started with 16 .. down to 3 members when I leave. Reason? The group doesn't care for one another just adds duty to serve others .. out there .. for recognition from the head of women's ministry. I've had strep throat through the holidays .. still struggling. No one helped me. And I'm alone. But I'm still asked to prepare meals for someone else 20 miles away. This feels sanctimonious to me. Like it's shameful to have needs of our own? I think others dropped out because they, like me, are overburdened at times.. hoping to find camaraderie ..and instead found obligation to do more and more and more. We can only give when we are fortified ourselves. I've expressed this several times to our leader. But it doesn't penetrate. I like her very much. There's much good .. and that's why it hurts. But hollow for the reasons stated. I yearn for relationship with my Shepherd that is genuine and fits me .. He doesn't shame our needs.
I'm on a precipice .. because of hitting the dusty trail. I still have my piano class; I've rekindled the gift my mother sought to destroy .. telling me God would punish me for it. That's not true.
With all that is within me, I choose to believe that God is good. Gave me gifts to use and develop ... and He has the last word. He is the Author and Finisher of my faith. And I am glad He knows what to do about my parents. My sister .. and all the other heartaches I've known.
Take over .. Lord.
Here I am...
Please shine the light on the next step...
Love this verse.. "Love COVERS a multitude of sins."
"Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me ALL the days of my life."
I sure feel sluggish ruggish because of this pesky strep throat. That's when I'm my worst.
Anyone understand .. not feeling like doing anything whatsoever?
There have been days in my life when all I could do was ask God "Why did He create me to be the object of so many people's hate?" Like you, I have sisters who treat me very badly because of my faith. Although, unlike you, I grew up in a "faithless" home, where there was no mention of God..not at any time at all. (except to use His name in vain..a lot of swearing) When I was a desperate 18 year old..really searching for the meaning of my life..I was introduced to a very loving and personal God through Jesus Christ. Life has never been the same, except that my strong faith and devotion to God's Word has cut me off my ungodly and unsaved family members. They have mocked me for years. I stood up against their openly illicit sex mindsets, their opinions about abortion (completely opposite mine. I believe without a doubt, that life begins at conception)....called me weird and old fashioned because I would not live with my boyfriend (now my husband of over 34 years). I stood for purity, because that's what I was learning from what God says in His Word, which I just could not get enough of when I first started reading those beautiful Bible stories and all the wisdom contained within the Bible's pages. To this day they call me "Jesus freak...Bible thumper, .etc..and some things that I don't repeat, their words are extremely hurtful and still stamped in my mind. My childhood background is truly tragic. I share my testimony, only because it might help anyone else out there who had to grow up and live in a loveless home, where alcohol addictions were left unchecked, verbal, physical, emotional abuse...every type of horrible family dysfunction..not a home conducive to producing healthy adults. I've been there, when I was too young and not able to escape the suffering, until I grew up, met Christ, and my life changed miraculously. Those siblings have seriously mocked and made fun of me, said that my Christian values and faith is only a "crutch" ...well, that is true.. What better crutch..to lean on Jesus for my every need! They continue to shun me and have treated me like I don't exist. They have openly made it very clear that they do not want anything to do with me. Earlier on I tried to reach out to them and wanted to be a part of their lives, especially when my children were young..but they never accepted any of those attempts..never acknowledged my love, never invited me to their homes, left out of every family function (such as weddings, birthday and anniversary celebrations). They never answered any reaching out on my part, never answered any open invitations to my home..never. Once, when I traveled for over three hours to see one sister, she slammed the door in my face..can you believe how truly devastated I was?? Aren't sisters supposed to "hug" you when you make attempts to go see them??? I have a true connection to Joseph in the Bible...except I feel like the female version. I have three sisters, and they have been mean, unkind, unloving for over 40 years. It's truly a terrible place to be in our family..the hated one..the rejected one. My worst life bullies have been my sisters. People talk about "bullying" in schools, at work etc...but what about when it happens within your own family unit?? My worst persecutors and haters were these sisters. I have chosen to pray for them. God has protected me from their hatefulness by letting me know that it's o.k. to be cut off from them now. It's not healthy for me to be around such hate anymore. God has revealed to me..."Let Me take care of your sisters."... They know where I live, so if they wanted to connect with me now, I have forgiven in my heart, but I would still take them back into my life if that's what God wanted. He would need to reach out to them...they would have to be right with Him and that's still possible. I pray for them...every day. We were discussing praying for our persecutors..well that's what I do for my sisters.
It's not good for me to seek them out..only to be treated poorly..for them to "step" all over me! God only knows that the years I tried, well He knows I tried. I leave these sisters in God's hands. The most difficult part, is that my oldest son now has been joining them..he attends their birthday celebrations, sends them photos of my grandson...(I receive no photos) .so the torment has never really ended. For some reason, now they want a connection to my oldest son?? Yet, they totally ignore my other two adult children..the ones who show me love and respect...so..if I happen to have some people in my life that treat me lovingly..these sisters will shun as well??
Be of good courage my sister in Christ, you are NOT alone..betrayal is very familiar to me...and to JESUS..just think..he was betrayed by the world when he hung on that cross..and He LOVES us still!!
Yes, when I get to heaven, I want to have a long chat with my brother Joseph..we have some life experiences in common!
Hope you are feeling better..keep sharing those Scriptures with us. Yes..God is so faithful..Praise Be to His Name! Your sister in Christ....Maddie
I was struck by what God revealed to you.. "Let Me take care of your sisters.
I didn't experience Christianity in the manner you described when you were 18. Everything about the Lord and His word was twisted into a nightmarish horror. From the time I was very young, I stayed up late inviting HIm into my heart repeatedly .. it was a Pentecostal church my parents ministered .. and I was coerced against my will to imitate spiritual gifts and manifestations. That's a whole chapter. Never did I feel peace or love. But the Lord helped me. It's about rebuilding brick by brick .. what was shattered .. which is faith and trust. When I go to church, I have to "translate" what I hear sometimes ..because I've heard every version of the "truth" .. so very manipulated.
I'm sorry that your sisters and family are so hostile. I experience the same .. not as openly cruel as yours .. more pasive-aggressive (so you're not real sure .. what's what) but the result feels similar. I'd be furious regarding the relationship between them and the son who is pulling back.
Believe this .. "He that goes forth weeping, bearing precious seed, shall doubtless come again with rejoicing, bringing his sheaves with him." I love the passages that assure us that no man can take from our Lord .. those that God has given to Him. Not one. You planted a seed of faith in your son. The day may come .. when your son experiences something similar as you did as a young woman. Those that rebel are often the strongest leaders.
Our job is to keep building. Keep planting. Have nothing to do with our family's diatribe and games.
For us: "My thoughts are not your thoughts. Neither are your ways ... My ways..."
Our Redeemer .. knows all about your son. He promises .. we will know "joy unspeakable..."
I was blackballed from my family two years ago, too. Not invited to my grandson 3 year old birthday party; had to meet at Subway .. we then went bowling .. and the clincher? My grandson beat me at bowling! I mean .. are you kidding me? LOL.
There was a dark cloud over my family then .. everything about my ex and his family .. leaves a stench. And he was back in their lives. I felt so mocked. So humiliated. So stripped. I didn't know a person could live through something like that.
I can't wait to hear the good news about your son .. one of these days.
I know .. that sorrow comes in billows. It's like giving birth AGAIN.
Almost every child tells their parent "I hate you" sooner or later. My oldest daughter .. although she didn't say those words .. she acted them out .. AS AN ADULT .. and it broke my heart and soul to pieces.
Have faith in your son. He's dealing with some monstrosity that has nothing to do with you. Our children push us away to find their own strength. This happens, most frequently, TO GOOD PARENTS. We're the ones who are taken for granted.
Keep "manning" your ship, friend. You've got a comrade here.
I stomped around my neighborhood memorizing this verse when my ship was wrecked, so to speak.. "And He arose and rebuked the wind and said to the sea 'PEACE BE STILL' and the wind ceased .. and there was a GREAT CALM." That night, when I got home .. with "every brick still in place.." something in my spirit jumped for joy. I mean ..jumped!
All who ever lived .. who trusted Him.. that I've heard of ... said .. in the end "He was faithful to me."
I'm saying it, gordos4 .. and I've been exactly where you are. And I did not think He cared one bit.
I am very touched for you.
We share this pain with you, and I am glad you depend on God for your self worth...I do too!