Gma6, I am sorry you are feeling this way. But it seems to be a part of estrangement.. Tell yourself tomorrow will be a better day.. You are not trash, you were a good mother and she will realize this one day! Take care of yourself and try to find something to keep your mind off of your ED. Hugs and prayers for better days!

Thank goodness feelings are not facts. We can feel like trash and feel like we are nothing but God knows us as we really are.

We may be nothing to some people (including our EC) but we are everything to God. That is why He gave everything for us. You are beautiful and valuable to Him. He speaks truth unlike the lies that the enemy and the world tell us. We must believe Him. We must put Him first.

gma6, we understand how you feel. We feel the same way at times, too. You are not alone. Your feelings are not an accurate depiction of who you are. Feelings can lie to you. We all had to learn to put feeling on the back of the burner, and put faith and facts first. Not trying to put you down or "teach" you, but sometimes an oft-repeated lesson is well-learned.

gma6:
You are a beautiful child of God and please do not allow your ED to make you feel any less. You are giving her far too much power over you. This is exactly the reason why I chose to walk away and never look back when my ED told me a year and a half ago that she never wanted to see me again. I told her "I can make that happen." I do believe she has been shocked that I have made not one attempt to see her since. I have no desire to see her. I have forgiven the horrible things she said to me and the terrible way she had treated me the 5 years leading up to the estrangement but I will never forget and I will never, ever put myself in a position again to give her a chance to repeat any of it. I love and will always love my ED. But I do not like her one bit and have ZERO desire to ever see her again. My trust in her is GONE for good.

I know not being able to see your grandbabies must be horrible. I love my 4 yr old grand-niece so much and can't wait for her (and her Mom) to move in with me. I can't imagine not ever being able to see her again. That is so unfair of your ED as you will never get back these years of their young lives.

Oh, and my ED is married to an Atheist as well but I will continue praying for her to find Christ. God does work in wonderful ways. I do thank Him every minute that my ED never had (nor wanted) kids.

Hang in there beautiful lady. I know Mothers Day will be tough for you but start loving those who love you back. Say a prayer for your ED each morning and then turn it over to God. He will take care of it.