CHRISTIAN PARENTS of ESTRANGED ADULT CHILDREN Community Group
Estrangement makes it difficult to talk about with family, friends, neighbors and church members. Christians are NOT immune to broken families. Talk about your experiences with those who know how you feel and get positive support through your Christian faith...."In these last days difficult times will come, for men will be lovers of self...disobedient to parents,...
Instead of just updating my previous post I decided to start a new thread entirely. Well, after I met their demands to defriend those two poor innocent women, which I did, and they issued new demands, my husband told him that it was a lot to digest, and we would all pray about it and maybe baby steps would be best. That unleashed a fury in our son and he accused my husband of not being a Christian, which he has done before. I think that is another one of their weapons to use. Then he started in on me. He told me I had done the right thing by defriended those women, but now I must do everything they ask, and so forth. Now I am allowed to come see the children, but without my husband! This is the same tactic they used before, only my husband was allowed but not me. Now it is vice-versa. I responded that I desperately want to see him and the children, but I am really afraid of the DIL but would be willing to try baby steps. He said she was not crazy anymore and had completely morphed into a wonderful person and had not done anything wrong since 2012?!? Those were his words....2012 he said. So I said well, in January she sent that email accusing my husband of terrible things. I thought maybe he did not know about that, so he needed to know. Oh that sent off a firestorm! Then he told me I was a miserable human being, I deserved that email, I should be ashamed, none of us were Christians, and then he said the most hurtful thing. Apparently my mother told him about my daughter's divorce and he told me I was going to lose that grandchild too because of the divorce. And he gloated about her divorce. Then he told me there would be no baby steps, no nothing. And now no contact ever.
Matthew 10:34-36 “Do not suppose that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I did not come to bring peace, but a sword. For I have come to turn “‘a man against his father, a daughter against her mother,
a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law—a man’s enemies will be the members of his own household.’" (Micah 7:6)
Your testimony bears this out - but I so wish it were not so. I am praying for you.
I've been absent for a few weeks visiting our other son in Europe, but while I was there, the hurt from my ES here followed me like a splinter deep in my flesh. Anyway, I'll write about that later, but today came upon Psalm 38, and it comforted me. Being only a couple months new to estrangement, I have no advice or words of wisdom, but the Bible can step in on my behalf... ;-)
Those who seek my life lay their snares;
those who seek my hurt speak of ruin
and meditate treachery all day long.
But I am like a deaf man; I do not hear,
like a mute man who does not open his mouth.
I have become like a man who does not hear,
and in whose mouth are no rebukes.
But for you, O Lord, do I wait;
it is you, O Lord my God, who will answer.
For I said, “Only let them not rejoice over me,
who boast against me when my foot slips!”
For I am ready to fall,
and my pain is ever before me.
I confess my iniquity;
I am sorry for my sin.
But my foes are vigorous, they are mighty,
and many are those who hate me wrongfully.
Those who render me evil for good
accuse me because I follow after good.
Do not forsake me, O Lord!
O my God, be not far from me!
Make haste to help me,
O Lord, my salvation!
Psalm 38:12-22
What sticks out to me is verse 20 - "Those who render me evil for good accuse me BECAUSE I follow after good."
This is at the heart of it... Ultimately, you're not battling your son (even though it feels like it) but fighting against the evil that is Satan. He has come to rob and steal and destroy. And what could cause us to fear and hurt more than the relationships that matter most?
While I know that God has ALREADY overcome the pain and hurt of our estrangements, I pray that He will give us peace from the constant attacks where we question each and every action and word that passes (or has passed) between our EC and ourselves. Each accusatory conversation, each glimmer of hope that turns rancid instead.... that's not God.
You hold your head up Poodlegirl! God wants MORE for you and your family, not less. You keep loving, hoping, and praying no matter what!!!
Then if he says why don't you respond, you can continue to say you are "processing" and wondering why he is behaving so different from his Christian beliefs.
This business of inviting him but not you, then you but not him, is ludicrous. And wrong.
As we became more comfortable with each other, we have spoken a little bit about what went wrong and how we all saw it.
It is a growing process for all of us.
Guard your heart, the devil is a liar but he's also a taunter, he knows questioning your faith is a hot button, your son and dil are using that to goat you. I wouldn't trust a single thing from either one of them. I would send THEM and email addressed to BOTH and say, look kiddos, it is ALL or nothing. You will allow your father AND I to BOTH see and be in the grandchildren's lives or there is nothing to negotiate. We will never bow to your outrageous demands. We WILL NOT tiptoe through life around EITHER of you. If EITHER of you acts out of line with NORMAL society rules that WILL be responded to. We will NOT be giving you access to the lake house upon such hostile demands. We are always open to communication from reasonable means but if that isn't a place either of you want to start from then there really is nothing more to say. If alienating your children from a loving extended family is the decision you think benefits them best then that is your call, but that is your ONLY call. You only have the power to CALL THE SHOTS with those children and only for as long as you two are on the same team. Be aware that marriages don't always work out and the tactics you so cleverly craft against us are the same ones that would be used on each other if things don't turn out for your union. As far as the kids, yes, we'd love to have them in our lives but not if that means being held to hostile terms that would most certainly be changed over and over until you finally ripped them away again, if that is where your direction is headed, we are not willing to be a part of that. Also know this, children learn from those who raise them and what you teach them about how to treat those around you will be how they treat others when they grow up. I know deep inside you relish the idea of them dangling US on the same hook you've been determined to put us on and you imagine our turmoil at their hands, but be mindful that life does not work out how we planned. We planned to have a life with a loving family and kind children, our plans did not work out. Your plans may very well be writing into your card their estrangement from one or both of you and on that day we'll be nowhere around to cast the blame. You'll need to walk yourselves into the bathroom and look straight into a mirror when searching for a person to blame. At this time, we don't feel anything productive can come from back and forth conversation, you can live out in the world on the fray if you'd like but the world is changing and time is running out. You might want to spend less time focusing on torturing your parents and more time considering the state of your soul because after this life, we won't be here, and you really do need to consider where you'll end up in eternity.
Obviously you can say to them whatever you'd like and it is not my situation, I'm just sharing with you how I would handle it. This is how I PLAN to handle it if my current situation turns into a fuller estrangement and if grandchildren come along and I'm once forbidden to see them, I'll never cower to attempt a second time. I watched my mom live through the pain of having grandchildren that we mostly raised for almost a decade while their lazy parents partied and lived a more free life. Because of a divorce and estrangement those children grew up and do they think on all the home made quilts or jammies my mother made? The hand made sewn dolls? She did ALL the diaper work, potty training (multiple times as they'd lose it being home with their parents for a couple weeks), teething, ear aches, tummy aches, injuries, heart aches. She sang gospel songs to them, told them bible stories, wrote little stories with them and for them. Took them to church every time. Made sure they always had stuff on birthday, Christmas, Easter, etc. Went to every school event they were in....but once the divorce came my ex SIL turned them against our whole family. None of that mattered AT ALL. My brother is NOT a good person but my mom is. As she worked to wreck their relationship with their dad, because these two vile creatures sure DID turn on each other in a horribly NASTY divorce, she planted seeds of poison in those kids to turn on ALL the family. Now, all grown up, married, and with kids of their own was my mom invited to graduations, weddings, baby showers, births, birthday parties, school events? NO, all her effort, all her love, all her tears, all her prayers, all her devotion...it meant nothing to them in the end. Their mother successfully soiled that all. and guess what.....they estranged from BOTH my brother AND their mom. And even though their mom remarried and moved to an exotic tropical location and they do have each other on fb, have they ever went to visit her? Not one time, do they send to kids to grandma? NO, they do not. My SIL let us fall in love with her kids until the divorce and then she and my brother turned on each other, and she raised them for the rest of their time ruining their bonds with the whole family. She taught them exactly how to be vile and estrange those they once loved, so well, they estranged from her perfectly and without hesitation. I often wonder if she looks in the mirror and feels pride that she taught them to be so skillful in her game, or does she feel deeply saddened and overwhelmed with loss....and would she ever find herself in a place like this, too embarrassed to admit her own sins.
hmm, I do really wonder.
I wish you all the best in what happens poodle, I'm so sorry that you are going through such a nightmare. But please consider what I've written and search your heart to decide whether you should even try to be in their lives, will loving them and losing them be easier than never being allowed to be close to start? And you know what? There's nothing that says your daughter will play the same keep away game, she might actually be more appreciative in life to have you to lean on when she sees how hard motherhood can be. Hugs to you and your husband, I hope you are able to stand strong and stand together against such impossible situations.
p.s. sorry for the massively long response, your story touched my heart so much and it reminded me so much of my mother and what she and we went through with the grands.